Happy 7th year anniversary to these journals!

This is day two of being late with my period. I called Tammy and told her how I felt like I was going to get it and she said she felt like she was going to get her period too, before she got pregnant. I told her I didn’t want to jump the gun, but that if I did ever find out I was pregnant for sure, I wouldn’t tell Mom and Dad. She said that’d be stupid and that I didn’t have to take any shit from them if they gave us any. Of course, we wouldn’t. She suggested I get an over-the-counter pregnancy test which you can use as soon as you’re only 1 day late. She said she had bad morning sickness with Lisa and it was mild with Becky and Sarah. I forgot the name of it, but she said she has something that numbed her downstairs and they made an incision. Yeah, I’ve heard of that. She didn’t have the shot they give you in the spine. She said it hurts but is worth it.

Again I reminded her that he doesn’t cum and asked her if the chances of me getting pregnant were close to none. She said no. Even though my periods have been normal for quite some time, my body’s entitled to some imperfection, so I may not be. If I am, then that’s just truly amazing for it to be that easy to conceive without the guy cumming. Especially being a DES daughter and thank fucking God I didn’t get pregnant those few other times when guys came. If I am, I believe Tom when he says he’d be as happy as I’d be, but I still have my usual fears and a million questions. Will I have a miscarriage or die having it, if I can have it naturally? Will it ruin what Tom and I have? Can we really afford it? How will my parents react? Will I truly be able to be a good mother and deal with it? Will I be forever fat and a major turn-off to Tom? He’s always been there and true to his word when he said he’d be a good husband. I know he’d be a good father, but what if deep down inside he doesn’t want to have a kid, even though he says he does? What if he’s wrong about saying it won’t ruin us, I can handle it, I won’t turn him off, I will survive it and I won’t be forever fat?

Well, this is only my second day of missing my period, so we’ll wait and see. Thankfully, Tammy was encouraging. She didn’t say shit like, “Why now? Are you sure you want this and are prepared to handle it? What about your surgery?”

Tom says surgery should be no problem in the 1st trimester, but if I have to postpone it, I will. I’ve already been like this for 29 years. If I am pregnant, I will surely want to keep it. It’d be hard to consider abortion even if Tom got on his knees and begged me to, but I know he’d never do that. He’s never fooled me yet, but I know some people can suddenly fool you. I hope he’s happy if I am, though I still have a feeling a kid was never meant to be.

Last night I told Tom I was excited, yet nervous about Kim’s visit and he said he could understand that. Should I cancel her from coming here if I am, so we don’t end up in a fight where he wants to leave me?

Later...

No, I am not pregnant. I just had some spotting. Tammy said she didn’t have that and doesn’t know if it’s possible. Well, like I said, it’s possible for someone to get pregnant if the guy doesn’t cum, but I think it’s very unlikely. Plus, we don’t qualify to be parents. We’re not druggies or assholes. The ironic thing if it was, though, when I was wondering was what Bob said in his letter. He said, “It won’t be long now, will it? Do I know something you don’t? Maybe I do. Who knows?”

I have only a few more pages to type up of Journal #18, but my disk might be screwed up. Tom said not to worry and that all he’d have to do is give me a new disk. Meanwhile, I typed up some tips for him on Windows & DOS from a magazine he wanted to be typed up.

When I read back on Maliheh, I couldn’t believe how vague and shitty a writer I was. I failed to write how she asked me to dance with her the second we met, and she shook my hand. And also, how she kissed me as I was leaving.

Later...

Well, I just got to see another 18-year-old violent, doped-up pregnant girl on a talk show. Now I’ll go continue with Tom’s tip list. I also made up what we call a master copy grocery list.

Got a letter from Kim and typed a reply back. Out of those 50 tips, I have 15 done. Later or tomorrow I’ll type to Bob.

I still have a spot here and there, so I’m 100% sure that tomorrow I’ll have my period full force.