I sure wish I slept later than I did. I got up at 7:30 PM. Andy left a message saying he can’t “decide” if he likes a certain Gloria song, so that means he’s not sure.

Well, they say everyone’s different and that much is true, but I have a feeling things will never change with him. I have a feeling that if we wanted a kid right now or in the future, we won’t be able to even if I’m not sterile cuz he either can’t or won’t let go. I just wish I knew which one it was. If he can’t cum, I’d like him to find out why. If he won’t cum, I wish he’d just come out and say, “Hey, I don’t prefer to cum. All I want to do is get hard.”

At the same time, I believe he is attracted to me, I feel I’m not pleasing to him cuz I’m confused and I don’t know for sure what’s going on. Not knowing is hard, but maybe there’s a third party involved. Whether or not he’s deliberately holding back, maybe whatever’s up there has a major control on this to keep me from getting pregnant. But then again, couldn’t it just sterilize me or make sure he doesn’t cum when I’m ovulating? The more I think about it, the more questions I have and the more confused I get, so I’m just going to keep on going about my life as I have been and try not to dwell on it. If in another year to a year and a half, nothing’s changed, then perhaps I oughta talk to him about seeing what a doctor has to say about it. I don’t know, but I really think it’s me. There’s something about me as a person (not my body) that turns him off. Perhaps it’s my aggressive nature and also fear of being a father too soon. I think he does was to be a dad but in a couple of years. This is what he told me, too. I also have a feeling he may never want to be, so due to this, he’ll keep on holding back.

He can’t keep that up forever, though, so if he’s the one preventing himself from cumming, he’s going to have to deal with it with me someday, as he can’t always make excuses. I can’t always be “new” to him, so if one of my theories is correct, I hope he talks about it.