Tom and I had fun swimming after he came home and ate, but we didn’t screw around.

Where in the world has Alex been? I guess he’s busy with the move to Vermont cuz I haven’t heard from him by AOL in a couple of weeks. Since we had our last live chat anyway.

I’m kind of sunburned today. So even though the pool is at a very comfy temperature in the mid-80s, I’m gonna take a break from being out in the sun for a couple of days.

I forgot to mention a couple of past events. Last Sunday Tom attached the mirror that goes to the vanity table. He did a great job. It’s nice and sturdy and stands perfectly upright.

Also, Andy’s become good friends with his neighbor Pam, who’s on disability. He’s really changed with time. Even he admits that he was very selfish and insensitive the first year or two after we met up. Back then, I’d be wary about discussing a headache with him, knowing he’d freak out about it. But now, I could talk to him about anything and he’d listen and try to cheer me up. A lot of people are afraid of stuff they don’t know about or understand and he was afraid of those with disabilities, be it physical or mental, but now he’s not so afraid and paranoid. There are always gonna be Ellies and Frans out there, but he knows not all people on SS or SSI are fucked up. Here’s the funny part of it, though. When we first met up, he called my mother and asked her if he should be afraid I’d go after him with a knife or something like that. Well, he said to me regarding Pam, “I didn’t even call her mother to ask if she were dangerous or anything like that!”

I just got done recording his soaps for today and am gonna tape them again tomorrow. Hopefully, the cable will then be set up, as he was told it would be. He’s already got his new number which is easy to remember.

As for the games we got off of AOL, there are some really cool ones. We got more for his parents that I don’t like, like crossword games and cryptograms.

Here are the ones which he put in my world which are really growing. I mean, when I first got into this computer I had only about 4 things in my world. There’s a kitty puzzle, a connect the dot game, and a telephone game where you make words out of the numbers on the phone pad. There’s also a sliding number game where you have to put numbers in order from 1-15 on a square board. Meaning, 3 rows of 4 numbers, then the 13, 14 & 15 on the bottom. I also have a quilt game where you have to match a sample quilt design. Lastly, concentration games which I’ve always liked. One of them is with a deck of cards. Another is with colors that you have to match.

Guess what next door was doing on and off last night from 12:30 to about 2:00 in the morning? Hammering away. I wasn’t pissed cuz I was awake, and if I’d been asleep, the fan would’ve drowned it out, but that’s really rude! It was distracting, though, cuz I was trying to read, but I was mainly worried and pissed off for Tom. He did get woken up but said it was no big deal cuz it’d be only once in a blue moon that he’d be hammering at that hour. (I hope!) He said he thinks the wife and kids split to Idaho and this is why he’s catching up on home repair. That makes sense cuz you can’t get much done or accomplished with kids around. I know they practically never sleep, but that’s still really rude and selfish. I don’t know if they’ve gone to Idaho, but I wouldn’t be surprised if they did and if it was him that was hammering. You see, I never felt that Lenore didn’t care about others’ peace around them; it’s him that’s like most others. He just doesn’t give a damn about those around him. I could always tell that from certain statements. Like when he said the kids might get noisy. And when Lenore said that she told Dean she was worried he’d wake the street up by pounding on the piano in the middle of the night, and when the kids said in their letter to me, Dad keeps opening the windows on the side by our house. Anyway, if it doesn’t happen again, it’s no big deal. If he pounds away tonight then yes, I’m gonna call over there for Tom’s sake, cuz I know Tom would never do shit about it no matter how many nights he was woken up or how pissed he got. If he won’t take care of any problems dumped on him, his loving wife will. I’ve met lots of childless people who were selfish and only cared about themselves, but it seems that people with kids are much worse for the most part. They think that just cuz they have kids, they own the world. They can do anything, and to hell with anyone affected by it.

We screwed around yesterday and like I said before, I made it clear to him that my “middle” was around the 31st and the 1st, so we’ll see if he conveniently avoids me. I was thinking of confusing him for the July period so he’d be thrown off as to when my middle would be then, but then I thought about it. I then realized it doesn’t matter where I am in my cycle. If he doesn’t cum, there’s no way for me to get pregnant if I can. So I said, fuck it. If he really wants a kid, he’ll cum. He’ll either never do so, or he will when he’s ready if he’s truly holding back. What are my guesses as to why he’s holding back? Well, they don’t go with what he’s said at all, but you never really do know if someone’s bullshitting you just to make you happy. Meaning, maybe he doesn’t want one but doesn’t have the heart to tell me and so he says he does want one. Maybe he really doesn’t think I’d be a good mom. Maybe he does fear for me physically and mentally the same way I do. Meaning, about the lack of sleep, the stress, the pain, etc. I know he’s capable of being jealous, so that could be it too, as well as the stuff we’re planning to do, the job change, and shit like that. It could be money. It could be a lot of things he doesn’t tell me, or that he tells me the exact opposite of.

I have a plan that I may have mentioned before that I’m thinking of starting to put into action. I’ll do it around July 1st, plus this is also what he claims will help him. Well, it’ll be hard for me to get used to, but I’ll omit all talk about cumming and having a kid and see if there’s a change in a couple of months or so. I have a very bad feeling, though. One that tells me nothing will ever change with him no matter what I do or do not say. I love this man and I don’t want to leave him, but the more months that pass with no changes makes me wonder what’s really going through his mind about everything and anything. I know the sayings like, life is full of false promises and people don’t always do what they say they’re gonna do, but if I find out for sure, or have a strong sense that he deliberately lied and led me on about a kid or other stuff, it’s gonna make me do some thinking. It would be the point of the matter that may have me thinking about our being together. I hope to God it never comes to that for either of us, but what else would I do or think? When I see that nothing will change month after month as I fear will be the case, what do I do? Stay cuz of how wonderful everything else is? Or leave and call him a head player and a liar? I’d like to think that I’ll be able to say to myself when this time comes, OK, he was never serious about cumming and having that kid, but no one’s perfect. At least all his other qualities are wonderful, if not, almost wonderful, and it’s not worth going off the deep end over and walking away from him. He has given me so much and has taken care of me in so many different ways be it chatting with me, caring for me when I’m sick, and the way he keeps food in this house and buys me journals and stuff like that. All stuff he could say he doesn’t care to buy or to take me to buy. He could’ve never bought me anything, kept barely two bites of food around, pushed me away when I wanted to talk, and never given a damn when I got sick or never dealt with my ear surgery.

I’ve reached the final straw with these mailmen and I called the PO today. I said I’m sick of having mail I sent returned to me that I know isn’t too thick or heavy. And I’m also sick of getting next door’s mail, and I know our mail’s gone elsewhere too. He said he’ll take care of it. Let’s hope so. I know that Irene W would return to us anything that looked important, and she has. I would think Lenore would too, but I don’t know about Dean or any other households.

I got a letter from Bob today and in it, he enclosed a small envelope that he addressed to me and put a stamp on. Well, the PO put a message on it saying something about the envelope not being of standard size. So, I tore the stamp off and put it on an envelope addressed to Kim with another stamp we had here. I put his remaining edit pages in it with a note to her about the problem and asked her to mail it to him. I know she’ll do me the favor and I can count on her. She also sent me a letter today. Deerfield has a new rule and that is that they don’t return letters to the sender that has postage due. In other words, if I send Kim a letter where there’s postage due, she has to pay for it.