Last night I cried for 6 hours and was so depressed. I was trying to do anything and everything I can to shake it. I still haven’t talked to Tom about it and I won’t ever.

There’s something I’ve always realized that I realize now more so than ever before. There are two things, actually. The first thing is that I’ve come to see more and more that even if I could have the things I want, I could never handle them. I’m just not cut out for them. I can’t sing well enough and I could never be a good mother or handle that either. Also, I realize more than ever that I’ve got to start accepting what can and can’t be and stop trying to fight these fights I could never win. I’ve got to let go and just take what I can get in life and take what’s meant to be. I’m wasting my life and driving myself crazy by trying to get things that aren’t destined. I see more than ever now that it’s not that I’m a quitter or am giving up in any way, it’s that it’s hopeless. I simply am powerless to obtain the things I want in life. I really lectured myself earlier about this telling myself, “Come on now, you know that just cuz you got here and you got Tom that you still can’t have first best. You know you can’t have anything you really want that really matters to you. First best isn’t meant for you, so just accept that and move on.”

Move on to what, though? That’s the scary part. Accepting that I can’t be a singer or a mother is frustrating and depressing, but not knowing what’s meant for me for real is scary. God obviously doesn’t want me working regular jobs any more than he wants me singing or being a mom, otherwise he’d have me able to do that and keep a schedule. He didn’t make me that way or able to be a singer and a mom, so what does that leave? What’s he got planned for me? Does he even have anything planned? Do I even have a destiny? Is this really it as far as my life goes? Will I just continue to do journals, sing for fun, watch TV, do puzzles and clean the house? Is that it? Is that it aside from whatever else Tom and I do together? Is this all I’m good for and deserve?

I miss those days when I first got here when I was so happy constantly, despite my problems with neighbors and money. It’s not that I wish for that life back, but I wish I wasn’t hit as hard by things both physically and mentally. It seems that most others who find they can’t have something they really want can get over it much quicker than I do. They seem to accept it quicker and easier and they also always seem to find something fast enough to replace whatever it was that they first wanted and accept it without being so depressed about it. Maybe these people aren’t as happy as they’d like to be, but they don’t seem so miserable over not being able to get what they consider first best cuz most of us don’t get first best cuz life doesn’t work that way. I guess the only thing about it with me is that wanting to be a singer is much more of a long shot, than wanting a child. Most people can’t sing at all and don’t become singers, but most people also can have a child.

Andy was reminding me again earlier that his sister Linda and her husband tried for 8 years before they could have a kid and she experienced all the same emotions as I am. Yeah, well there’s a big difference between someone who can’t get pregnant due to a physical problem than there is with someone who can’t get pregnant due to her husband making sure she doesn’t cuz of his own individual fears as well as his fears of how much she’d suck as a mom and couldn’t handle it. Well, he’s right and I realize more and more that Tom is afraid cuz of how I’d be as a mom. He hasn’t got any faith in me than I’ve got in myself and I don’t know if all the talk he used to say about believing I’d be a good mom was always just talk or if he’s come to see and believe that through time.

There are still only two things Tom can do. The only question is when? When will he come out and tell me that he not only doesn’t want to deal with a kid but that he doesn’t have faith in me as a mom? If not that, then he’s gonna have to make sure he finds a way to beat the appointment in ‘97 and make sure it doesn’t work for him.

Yes, this type of misery is better than the old types of misery which I know sounds funny. At least I’m not in the NHA or broke or alone. Yeah, I know, though. The person I’m with is fucking me out of a dream. Believe me, I’ve asked myself how I could love him for doing this to me and why I don’t just leave, but I love him. Just like I used to ask myself how I could love my mother after all she did to me, but I guess I love her too. I also know that if it weren’t for my mother I wouldn’t be here and if it weren’t for Tom, I wouldn’t be hearing out of two ears and I wouldn’t have a lot of other things.

I wasn’t kidding when I said I wouldn’t talk to Tom about this anymore. It will never change anything and he just doesn’t get it. He’s not the one who wants a kid and to be a singer and he doesn’t want to change anything to make it so we have a kid. Nothing will change the 3 things that are keeping him from cumming. 1. His not wanting a kid to deal with. 2. His fears of my being a bad mother. 3. His enjoyment of teasing me with this subject.

Nothing will change God’s mind either and I want so much more than ever to work on not trying to solve problems that can’t be solved year after year. I have to treat unsolvable problems like hopelessly broken TVs. If it can’t be fixed, you dump it. Well, it’s my life and Tom can control my body from getting pregnant, but he can’t control me from refusing to play this game and deal with hopeless problems year after year.

For the first time in eons, I prayed to God and here’s basically what I said: I still may never know if you’re a hoax, a myth or evil and you know the reasons why I’ve been afraid to pray to you. I’ve also been confused for the longest time as to what I should pray to you for. Nonetheless, I see it’s obvious you won’t budge on the issue of a child and I know you’ll never allow me to have a child or allow Tom to allow himself to have an orgasm. I’ve come to realize that it’s not that you won’t allow me a child to punish me, but that you’re just trying to protect me. I promise not to fight you on things you won’t allow anymore if you’re really trying to protect me and all I ask is two things. Please continue to protect me from pregnancy as I see that I could never handle it or handle a child. Also, it’s very important that you help me find a supplement in life. Something I’d be satisfied with doing that’ll occupy more of my time and help me to accept not ever having a child. I’m tired of being upset over things I can’t have, so please help me to make it easier to accept the things that I can’t have and to find other things in life.

I decided it was my turn to play another game with Tom. Well, you remember our bet about 5 months ago I knew I’d win and I did win? We bet that if he came within 30 days that I’d have to go a day without smoking and that if he didn’t cum, he owed me nothing. Due to his loving to lie about it, he said he was sure he’d win the bet and that there was no doubt in his mind about it, but we both knew he wanted to lose. He didn’t seem the least bit upset about losing, either, cuz that’s how much he wanted to. I made a new bet with him. I said he could have till March 1st to cum with no excuses such as bad days where he’d need more time. If he didn’t cum, nothing would change. If he did, he doesn’t have to clean the back room (which he tried putting a guilt trip on me about earlier cuz he said he’d clean it nearly 2½ years ago) and also, I’d go a day without smoking. I told him, though, that I don’t make bets I can’t keep. He asked me, “If I clean the back room before March 1st, then win the bet, do I get to trash the back room?” I told him OK. Why does he love things so trashed and unorganized? He says he doesn’t, but his actions say differently, just like with the kid, or else he’d have cleaned it long ago. I can’t believe how stupid he thinks I am. Anyway, we both know he wants to lose this bet and that he will, so I’m far from worried about having to go a day with no cigarettes. And again, if he did cum, it’d be once and during a time when I couldn’t get pregnant and so he could get out of doing the back room and so he could see me suffer for a day without smoking.

Only two things will happen. He’ll either admit the truth about the kid or beat that 1997 appointment.

Tom’s also sick again, by the way. NOW does he believe me when I say it’s gonna be one thing after another and that he’s not the only one trying to hold us back?

The roof in the back room is leaking much more and he’s got to figure out what to do about that this weekend. I also wonder how much longer the TV will last.

I thought the hair growing out by my ear where it had been shaved looked stupid, so I trimmed the other side to make it even. It looks better this way.

Later...

Did I mention something funny I did with Sandy’s birthday letter? On Jenny’s, I drew a flamingo and on Sandy’s, I drew 3 palm trees and wrote: If you stare at these trees, will people think you’re weird? This is what she said was the case when she stared at all the palm trees in Florida.

I forgot to mention how I got the nickname Mystery. It was my stage name as a dancer. A friend’s friend had a baby named Mystery, so that’s how I got the idea.

I spoke to Andy and Michelle about Michelle calling Tom from Big Brothers & Sisters and asking what I already wrote about. Yes, she is an excellent actress and yes, she will do it. When I first told Andy about what I wanted Michelle to do to Tom and why, he was nervous at first that if Tom gave me an answer I didn’t want to hear, it’d ruin our marriage. Now, why would he think that? I explained to him, of course, that it was just my way of assuring myself whether or not I should mention adoption. Of course, the truth is to see if he says he doesn’t want a kid.

How will I react if he tells Michelle he doesn’t want a kid? Not surprised, but pissed. Also, as hard as it’ll be, I’ll have to keep my mouth shut about it, cuz then I wouldn’t be able to do something like this again if I needed or wanted to. Besides, it won’t change anything. It’ll just reaffirm what I already figured, and he’ll be all upset if I were to confront him. Not due to being tricked nearly as much as being “caught” with confessing. I think his answer might be “maybe” rather than “yes” or “no,” cuz he’ll probably not want to bother discussing it and he may not wish to answer yes or no without knowing what the point is. Of course, there’ll be no point as she’ll be hanging up in mid-sentence after his answer.

After the job is done Andy will tell me over the phone what his answer was. Not on the machine, naturally, so there’ll be no way Tom will know about this unless he reads my journals or bugs the phone and I highly doubt that.

Later...

Tom worked 4 hours, then stopped by his parents’ and now he’s working on the back room. I appreciate how aggressively he’s been working the back room, but I almost feel like he’s punishing me for it. It’s like he’s saying, “OK, if you’re gonna get on my case with the back room, I’ll do it, but I won’t be giving you sex.”

No problem getting him to go down on me, but we haven’t screwed for a good 8 days or so. It’s amazing how long he can go with no sex and how low his appetite is, but I’m sure that in the shower and when he goes to the bathroom, he gets it out of his system.

He said he saw a city van go in to clean next door when he got home yesterday. I guess the city does own the house and that they’re gonna try to sell it again. Soon the 2-4 or more kids will be there as well as the 1-2 dogs.

Can you believe I’m 98 pounds 2 days before my period? Lucky me.