I drew a woman on her toes in ballet slippers up to below her knees in the kitchen. I got the idea from journal 41. I don’t know if I like it. I guess it’s OK, but it seems that one foot is bigger than the other, as usual. It’s hard to get two eyes just right, two eyebrows and two feet proportioned.

I’ve been thinking of an idea that I’m finally going to put into action. I’d need Andy’s roommate Michelle to do this, though, cuz Tom doesn’t know her voice and I don’t know anyone else who could do this for me. I just hope she’s as good of an actress as I hear and won’t fuck up. I was thinking of having her call and say she was from Big Brothers & Sisters and ask if he has any kids, then if he’s planning on having any and see what he says. Right after his answer, I’d want her to start to say something like, “The reason why I’m calling is-” then put her finger on the receiver as if the line got cut off by mistake. Then, she can report to me or have Andy report to me whether or not he said no to the question of if he’s planning on having any kids.

My own best friend, however, doesn’t know the truth about Tom as Kim does cuz she’s a nurse. I’m just too damn embarrassed. He thinks it’s just the DES that’s the problem, so I’ll say that the reason why I want her to do this is cuz I’m thinking about asking him about adoption, but that sometimes people may answer a stranger differently than someone they know.

He was in a good mood, as I said earlier and he said he felt relaxed and calm. Just what he needs to feel to cum, so he says. Is this why he only wanted to go down on me earlier? It’s ironic - and maybe funny - but true that there’s one day out of every month that I cannot count on us having sex and doing other stuff. That’d be the 14th day after my period started, of course.

He’ll be on vacation from the 10th-19th of this month and I jokingly said, “Wouldn’t it be funny if we made a family during your vacation?”

He said, “That wouldn’t be funny. I’d be happy.”

Yeah, right. Sure he would. Well, his vacation’s out of the question anyway as I won’t be mid-cycle till a day or two after his vacation.

When I thought back on the message that he wrote for me in the angel journal, I’d always thought there was something phony or just plain old not right with it and it was last night that the answer hit me. I guess it was the way he worded it “if you’re not a mother” and not “if we’re not parents.”

We were talking about what sex therapists do and he was telling me that they condition people like he’s conditioned himself to wake up before his alarm goes off. I then asked him how come he couldn’t condition himself to cum and he said cuz it’s harder. Oh. Then that’s not gonna help us in ‘97 for sure. What the doctors will have to do would be strictly physical (plant his sperm in me), unless he then comes out and admits to not wanting a child.

Speaking of kids, well, I do hate to listen to them, just like other people’s music, dogs and whatever noise they can give off. Once or twice in the last 5 days or so, they’ve been fucking using the basketball hoop next door. I fucking swear, if there was a way I could tear that thing down I would! Don’t fucking tell me this is gonna be a new thing with them that’s going to occur more often. And the bulk of the time the kids have made noise has ironically been mostly when Tom’s here. As if God’s really trying to tease and rub in the fact that he won’t allow me one.

I just wish I knew why God hates me so much. Take Karson, for example. You mean to tell me that God loves her so much more than me that he goes and blesses her with a child and feels that she deserves it more than I do? Does he really think I’m that undeserving and such a bad person? Obviously so. I just hope to hell Kim can get pregnant when she marries Doug. That’d really restore some of my faith in God.

Anyway, I’ve decided to write according to subjects for the most part. I told you about myself, Tom and where we live and now it’s time for me to tell you why I hated New England so much. It’s too damn cold, old, ugly and expensive. That pretty much sums it up, not to mention the many bad memories I have from back there. I always felt “out of place” since I was little and that I didn’t belong there, and I really believe that I was born in the wrong state. I always knew I was meant to live out west. I just thought back then that it’d be California. I can’t wait to visit California, though.

So, where have I traveled to? Well, I’ve been to all the New England states as well as New York, and other states below Connecticut. My parents and I drove to Texas when I was about 11 to see my sister Tammy who lived there when she was married to her first husband.

My sister Tammy who’s 38 now lives in Salem, Connecticut. My brother Larry who’s 42 lives in Feeding Hills, Massachusetts and my folks like in Palm City, Florida. I’ve been there 3 times. I don’t remember the first time, though, since I was just a baby.

Anyway, Arizona’s the furthest from MA I’ve ever been.

Rather than get into my family and places I’ve been too much now, let me continue on with the jobs I’ve had. I don’t want to jump around too much and get sidetracked too much.

After I both quit and was fired from the Harley Hotel, my parents got me on SSI and SS checks in 1986. It wasn’t much and sometimes they had to help supplement me. I only worked a couple more jobs that barely lasted a month cuz I hated it so much and found it getting harder and harder to keep a schedule.

I tried waitressing in Springfield, then I worked in the laundry dept. of a nursing home in Springfield, then down at the end of my street in Springfield in a small convenience store, then waitressing at Denny’s in Chicopee with my best friend Andy during 3rd shift.

I quit all of these jobs, but I quit the one down at the end of my street out of fear as the neighborhood was getting deadlier by the minute.

I tried housekeeping on my own and babysitting back east here and there and even when I first came out here, but that was a drag, too.

Then I met someone after I’d been here a few months in 1992 who told me she was an exotic dancer and she didn’t feel threatened or scared by her work and that I should think about doing that myself. I did think about it for a few more months and after I’d been here for 6 months, I finally got up the nerve to audition at a nearby topless joint. I auditioned with two songs and even other dancers gave me tips. I got $18 just for those two songs and was hired that night.

The good news was that my money problems were over, but I was making far less than I’d hoped to. I thought I’d have hundreds of dollars left over to just blow off in the mall and even help my sister out back east, but this wouldn’t be the case.

For 8 months I worked at 4 different clubs. I didn’t work too much through February of 1993 cuz of a cold followed by the flu. First I worked at Sha Na Na’s, then moved and worked at the Mile High club which was the deadest. So, I left there and went to work at the Candy Store, but they changed their story as to what hours I could work, so I left and went into private-room dancing at a place called Favors. I made $275 the first night, got my picture in a magazine that these places advertise in, but then left cuz I made no money for 3-4 nights in a row. The last place I danced at was the Ex-Caliber club and that was OK, but by then I had settled in here with Tom and just decided to take care of the house so we could have more time with each other as he worked days and I’d have had to work nights.