It’s too soon to really tell yet, but I’m pretty sure that as I figured, they’ve done nothing at all about their dogs two houses down.

I’m not in a good mood now, but it’s mainly cuz I’m tired. For the second night in a row, Tom woke me up. First it was his snoring and last night it was cuz he was talking in his sleep.

Now here’s my latest new experience and here’s what I’ve decided to do about it. When I got woke up at 2 AM, I noticed a small spot when I went to check for my period. Then I got curious and decided to see what would happen if I prayed to God. I said the same thing I’ve been saying. That I knew motherhood wasn’t right for me, that I wouldn’t run away from that fact or try to fight it, and begged for my period. Then I was suddenly engulfed in a feeling of such a warm love and I could feel that God was so very proud of me and there it was!

No, they don’t give a shit about the letter I sent. I can hear them barking like hell right now.

Anyway, this experience has reinforced the fact that I must follow my head and not my heart and do the right thing, no matter how many days I spend wishing I could have a kid. Now I’m determined like never before, even though I know I’ve got nothing to worry about and that God and Tom would never ever allow me to have a child.

I’m starting to wish more that we could just go back to having our own rooms. If you’re not attracted to someone enough to cum and if you’re that afraid of having a kid, you won’t cum whether or not you’re together, a room away from the person you’re with, or a whole house away. He’s just so full of shit when he said that having us sleep in the same room would make him cum and that wearing regular clothes would make being nude more special. It’s all bullshit and I’m sick of his lies and his head games. How dare he tell me he’s gonna win our bet just to cheer me up. He just doesn’t understand me and thinks this is such a joke and that he can hurt me like this. At least if we go back to our own rooms I can always sleep.

Well, guess what? Now it’s time for me to let him down with lies. The difference is that I know when he’s lying, but since I’m now just beginning to join in on his games and lies, he’s gonna be getting psyched up for nothing just like he had me do in the beginning.

He’s not attracted to me (he says he is and tries to pretend he is) and he has this thing where he thinks I’m too thin. Well, he better get his eyes checked cuz I have plenty of a belly and my thighs are quite meaty. I’d have to lose a good 15 pounds or so before I started really looking too thin. Anyway, I said I’d get up to 105 pounds which he likes me the best at, but I’m really gonna lose about 10 pounds. Lately, I’m between 98-100 pounds, but I’m gonna get between 90-95 and give him a taste of his own medicine. I know, though, that even though he likes how I looked better at 105 that he’s full of shit and would never cum no matter what I weighed.

No problem, though. Cuz I’m gonna make sure that from now on that I help God and Tom make sure Tom never ever cums. A kid isn’t for me, whether or not I want one. There’s no way I could handle it. I know God and Tom don’t need my help, but like I said, I’m not fighting or running away from what’s right and what’s got to be anymore. It’s my turn to join in on the games, the lies and the making sure he always holds back. I’m also gonna make it a point to walk around here stark naked more and more.

Lastly, in April of ‘97, there’ll be no appointment cuz I refuse to go to a joke of an appointment. He also doesn’t realize that he’s dropping more and more subtle hints as to the truth. We were talking about pregnancy and periods earlier and he was telling me that you feel different in the beginning. I then said I was curious to look it up and see what’s so different that you’re supposed to feel. He said maybe I shouldn’t do that cuz then I imagine things. Well, I wouldn’t for starters and also, if he’s gonna “make things happen” and if he wants a kid, then why would I have to imagine and why does he have to worry about my imagining things? Well, unfortunately, the lying asshole is on vacation after today and I wish I could say we’ll have a fun relaxing time but I know better. I’ve got to make sure that I stick to the things I said I’m gonna do. No more being the nice and honest one here. I’m gonna be just like him. I’ve also got to make sure I talk about it as little as I can cuz he just can’t handle it cuz baby talk just really turns him off.

Later...

The last few subjects I could think of that I have written down in my notes are friends, enemies and those I couldn’t be with that I wanted to be with. They’re all rather connected, so I guess I’ll begin going through my life little by little from as young as I can remember and from whatever events I can remember. There’s a lot that I can remember, but there’s also a lot that I can’t remember. No one can remember everything, though.

Well, let’s just start with the fact that I wasn’t supposed to be born in the first place. That’s why my mother took DES, since back then they didn’t know the problems it causes. A part of me believes that because I wasn’t supposed to be born and my mother fighting to have me is the reason why I’ve gone through so much misery. Another part of me believes that being blessed in so many ways is also why I’ve been cursed in so many ways.

The dogs still bark on and off as usual. Not only do they probably not care if they get shot, but they’re probably figuring, well, we can’t or won’t debark them and we sure as hell would never allow them in the house, so fuck it.

My puzzle book finally came. I was wondering if they either forgot me or were trying to rip me off.

Anyway, I lived at home until I was 15. It was a nightmare. The only things I didn’t go through were sexual abuse, drugs, alcohol or poverty. I went through 80% emotional abuse and 20% physical abuse.

My parents’ full names are Dureen June O and Arthur Irving O. My siblings are Larry Ross O and Tammy Sue G. My maternal grandparents are Shirley & Jack G and my paternal grandparents are Bella & Joseph O. After Joe died, Bella remarried a guy named Herman G. My ex-aunt is June W. Mary & Ronnie G, as well as Ruth & Marty O, are my two sets of aunts and uncles. Ronnie’s my ma’s brother and Marty’s my dad’s brother. Both are aggressive assholes, according to most people’s standards which includes my own. Ronnie’s kids are Lori & Lisa and Marty’s are Polly & Philip.

My mother was very negative and didn’t want any of us kids to be “better” than her. That’d take the attention away from her and make her jealous. She’d cut me down about anything and everything. Her parents lived next door to us in the first house we were in and my mother was just like her mother. Typical case of like mother like daughter, and this is why I know I shouldn’t have a kid. My parents weren’t stupid, though, and they also did do me some good. They’ve taught me valuable things whether they were big or small. They kept me well-fed and clothed. Going to them with a problem, was almost always a whole different story. She seemed to get off by my being upset and by her cutting me down. When I was sick, though, she took really good care of me.

My brother didn’t live at home too long during my childhood since we were 12 years apart, but I liked it when he was there cuz we got along the best.

My sister was a nightmare. She was and still is in most ways, a carbon copy of our mother. Bitchy, too serious and negative. She used to cut me down to nothing too, and boss me around like there was no tomorrow since she was 8 years older.

Later...

Why is God so mean to me and why does He hate me so? It’s a hell of a coincidence that the more I try to ignore the subject and turn away from it I see and hear more about it on TV, the radio, or wherever. He made up his mind to make sure that I don’t have a kid, and I’m trying to do the right thing and get over not having a kid, yet he rubs them in my face. Today would be the perfect day for them to be out playing near the house after school. Something tells me that they’ve just got to be sent here today.

I had to wait a long time to accept that I’m not having a kid, but how long will I have to wait for my replacement? I just hope I even have a destiny. There’s got to be something else out there for me. I just hope that just cuz he won’t let me sing or be a mother doesn’t mean that he won’t let me do something else. I just wish I knew what else I could do and when?

If I had a choice to either have a kid or be repulsed by the idea all the time, I’d want to be repulsed by the idea all the time, but since I am only sometimes, I better quit dreaming and just hope and pray that there’s something else that I’m meant for and that it gets here fast enough.

I was thinking earlier of how I need a new bathing suit and right away I said to myself that I’d get a blue 1 piece. Am I ever gonna quit thinking of him and do for me? Nothing I say, do, or wear will change things.

Anyway, back to my life back in the first house where we lived till I was 12.

I didn’t do too well in school, other than science, gym, music, art, typing and lunch. I was a troublemaker till 6th grade. I’d just walk up to a kid for no reason at all and kick or punch them. I was holding in all that anger that I had for my mother, but I certainly couldn’t take my anger out on her.

I did grades 1-5 in an elementary school named Blueberry Hill. I stood back once in second grade.

For some reason when I was in first grade, there were these two girls I just had to be friends with. Christine T and Cindy F. Chris and I ended up being friends, but Cindy never liked me.

There were two teachers I had crushes on, too. I can see why I had a crush on third-grade teacher Linda M as most people liked her, but why I had a crush on fifth-grade teacher Joan B beats me. What did I see in her? Everyone hated her, too. She was easily the worst-liked teacher there.

During third and fourth grade I was in the resource room, OKA: the retard room, the dummy room, or the troublemaker room. You were put there if you were either slow or a troublemaker. I was in there cuz I was a troublemaker, even though I was pretty stupid till I was in my early 20s. I was about 7 years behind my age in looks and brains. I was always jealous of someone else due to them either being smarter, having longer hair, being skinnier or cuz they had nicer parents.

Stephanie Watnick is another girl that stands out in my memory. She was in the fifth grade with me. She was friends with me, but she was also one of those I beat up on whenever angry.

Other than these 5 people, the only other one worth mentioning was Rose M. She was my fifth-grade teacher and she was friendly with my parents. She even spent a day or two with us during the summer at the beach.

I did 6th grade and 3 days of 7th grade at Glenbrook middle school, then transferred when we moved to the other side of Longmeadow. There are about 4 elementary schools in Longmeadow, 2 middle schools, and 1 high school.

Glenbrook sucked. You had no lockers. Just cubby holes so anyone could rip your lunch money off. There’s nothing about that school or the teachers there that stands out in my mind at all.

William’s middle school was way better. You had lockers there and I liked the teachers and some of the students there better.

Later...

I’m surprised they haven’t begun to play basketball next door. God’s probably holding them off till Tom gets home. That way I can’t go out there and say, “I appreciate your right to play, but could you please take it somewhere else? My grandmother’s real sick and she needs to sleep.”

Back to who stands out in my mind at William’s. There are two teachers. Mrs. Bogert was pretty cool. I didn’t have a crush on her, but I liked her personality. Mrs. Tricinella was one I had a crush on and again, I don’t know why. I don’t know what I saw in her and no one liked her either.

For students, there was Brenda P. She was a friend of mine, but she ended up not liking me. There was Laura C who never liked me. She had long pretty hair, but she wasn’t there for 8th grade, the last grade of middle school. I think she moved out of state.

Then there was Jessie S, Big Bird’s adopted daughter. We had met before when I was about 10 and she was about 8 at the Jewish Community Center. She was another longtime good friend of mine besides Jenny and Andy. I hope she’s doing well today. At least our friendship didn’t end on a bad note. We simply lost touch with each other. I suppose I could track her down through her mother, but there’s really not much to say to her. I could update her on my life, but that’d take forever and I’m sure she’s busy doing whatever it is she’s doing nowadays.

Later...

Thank you, God and Tom! Winning the bet is going to be no problem and Tom has made it clear, although subtly, that I will get my period next month and I strongly vibe it, too. When I was asking him about Ibuprofen being addicting or playing with my period, he said not to worry and that it’s non-addicting and that it won’t mess with my period for next month. I’ve been needing it for my tooth as well as for cramps.

Having a kid has not only become scarier but it’s gotten to be quite a turn-off in my mind in light of all that’s gone on. First I lived in the depression of knowing I couldn’t have a child and now I live in the fear of getting pregnant. Not literally, of course, cuz I know God and Tom are taking care of making sure I don’t. It’s just that even though they’ve got that covered, I still have to do the work at making sure it doesn’t happen. Even if Tom really did want a kid, we have to wait till my teeth are done being worked on whenever that’ll be and we have to wait till his father dies and that’ll probably be during the middle of the summer, I guess.