Before I expand on other jobs I’ve had and more, let me tell you about my sex life with Tom. Well, other than the fact that I enjoy it and can get off by him either going down on me or by him being inside me, it sucks. He has never ever had an orgasm since we’ve been together, but this is his own choice. In the beginning, I felt like an inadequate freak who wasn’t good enough to get her man off. I sometimes still feel that way, but I don’t for the most part, as I know it’s he that chose not to cum. They say actions speak louder than words and his actions have shown two reasons as to why he’s chosen not to cum. One is cuz he doesn’t want a child, even though he swears he does. Two is cuz he enjoys teasing me with issues of sex and a kid and playing head games with me about it. He firmly denies this, though, saying he has some other kind of psychological block that’s preventing him from cumming. He’s said he’s been experimenting with all kinds of things to see if this helps him, but I really believe this is all just part of his games. The thing I wonder, though, is when and how is this game going to end. Why and how could such an otherwise honest and loving guy want to be so cruel and dishonest to me about such a major and personal issue?

I know most other women would get the message as far as him not wanting a kid and leave due to feeling like a freak and being teased and lied to, but I love him more than life itself. Yes, he’s hurt me and I’ll never forgive him for his lying to me and not allowing me to have a child, but I did marry him and not a child and he’s got way, way more good to him than bad, otherwise I wouldn’t be with him.

We’ve made an agreement that he promises to stick to. That we’ll go to a doctor in April of ‘97 if we’re not parents by then or if I’m not at least pregnant. However, I’m afraid he’s gonna try to “beat” this. Maybe he’ll cum enough to get out of going to the doctor’s, but not enough to get me pregnant if I can cuz I’m a DES daughter which I’ll get into some other time. Or maybe he’ll go, but not allow it to help him due to his being so against a child. You can’t help someone that doesn’t want to be helped, even though he throws out suggestions to me that he feels will help him. I believe he does things like this to cover the truth of his not wanting a child. I have my theories as to why he doesn’t want to be a father. Things like money, the time it’d take up, what I’d have to go through carrying and delivering it, fear of my being a bad mother, etc. When we both met, he dropped subtle hints as well as said things bluntly that said he doesn’t want to deal with a kid. Now he swears it’s the exact opposite, but two different nurses I once called and asked about it say they think he’s just saying he wants a kid cuz I do and he doesn’t want to let me down. What does he call what he’s doing then? I guess he just wants to put off telling me the truth as long as he can. His nature is to put off most things until the last minute, so who knows what’s really on his mind? Maybe he wants to make things turn out so that our only choice is to adopt an older kid or maybe he’ll keep trying to fix this bogus problem of his till I’m too old. That way he never has to deal with telling me the truth. I’d hope, though, that if all else fails after we see this doctor in ‘97, he’ll allow his sperm to be injected into me. I know they can do this. My friend Kim from MA thinks he’s telling the truth and that there’ll eventually be no problem. She’s a nurse, too. Maybe he’s waiting, but just doesn’t want to tell me that, but I highly doubt that one. He says he wants a kid and wants one now, but if he ever did let himself cum, believe me, I’d be as shocked as I’d be if I could make the computer jump off the desk with my mind.

I just wish I knew the truth. Is he lying to me as I’m pretty sure he is? Is he waiting to let go right before seeing a doctor? Will he let go enough to get me pregnant? Am I sterile? Is he gonna come out and tell me he never wanted a kid or suddenly doesn’t? What’s really on his mind? Does he really have any plans or tricks up his sleeve?

He now believes that his so-called problem is in his subconscious like I’ve told him all along. He said he doesn’t know if he fears my being a bad mom in his subconscious.

Before I get into my thoughts about the pros and cons of having a kid, let me just say this. I don’t believe Tom and Tom alone is the reason why he is the way he is or why we’re childless. I also put a lot of blame on God. Maybe more. They say God doesn’t make any mistakes, but I don’t know about that one. If that were true, then why are more teens, druggies and people that don’t want kids or who are abusive having kids? They also say that God doesn’t give us more than we can handle. Well, I don’t buy that one either, or else no one would ever commit suicide. For me, though, maybe that does apply to me. I should’ve, let alone could’ve, died a few times in my life, so maybe God really does feel that having a kid would kill me and is only trying to protect me. We all know what lack of sleep can do to me. It almost killed me in CT, but I’ll get into that later. I’m also quite sensitive and I myself can’t see how I could survive giving birth to a child. To me, the thought of having a kid is no different than a knife being plunged into your belly and pussy over and over. I can’t see how I’d deal with raising it and getting barely any sleep. I look at other mothers as having to be Wonder Woman and I’m just not that.

Anyway, I really do believe from what I’ve seen and heard that in order for God to let you have a child, you have to fit one of those categories. If I didn’t want a kid or was a druggie or some kind of a big-time asshole, then yes, I’d have a child now.

I have tried praying to God for this and asking him why he does the things he does. Why does he have to be so unfair and why does he insist on me only getting second best or lower for the most part and why do I always have to be in some kind of weird situation in life? I can’t keep a schedule to save my life and God’s always got to have some kind of weird thing going on with me or someone I’m associated with. First I’m too tight, then I can’t get someone I’m attracted to and now this shit with Tom. It’s like he’s cursed me sexually. He just doesn’t want me to have a normal sex life. Now that I can function sexually he’s got to make sure the one I’m with doesn’t.

They say different is good, and yes, I’m proud of some things about me that are different, but for the most part, I’m sick of being different and I’m certainly sick of being weird and of being associated with weird.

Tom goes and talks about wanting to solve his “problem” by not taking the fun out of sex. Well, how can sex with no cumming be fun? That’d drive me frustratingly crazy to live like that. Also, I thought cumming was supposed to be a natural and fun thing to do? Is it really so much work for him that’s no fun?

Anyway, I can’t bring myself to pray to God. Not after the things I’ve seen him do. Anyone that gives kids to murderers that he lets off scot-free, can’t be trusted or prayed to by me.

Yes, I do want a kid and will probably want one for the rest of my life, since I know the bottom line is that Tom and God won’t allow me to have a kid, but I have my fears and doubts about it too. They say that’s normal, though.

What are my fears? How I’d handle the not getting any sleep part of it and get on a schedule. The pregnancy and the delivery and being forever fat. The money and time issues. Also, I don’t know anything about kids and learning all there is to know is very overwhelming to me. Fears of Tom leaving, fears of this violent world and we couldn’t protect the kid forever. Fear of Tom being turned off me cuz of how I’d look. Fear of being a bad mother and of regretting having a kid. Fear of it coming between us and ruining our marriage.

Sometimes I feel Tom doesn’t understand me. He’s not a woman and he’s not the one who wants the kid, so I don’t think he has any concept of how his lying and games have hurt me, even though it’s gotten easier. You get used to things with time and accept that you can’t fight them and change them, but there are some things that I’m amazed he can pick up on. I don’t care nearly as much as I used to if Tom never cums cuz it numbs my desire to have a child somewhat due to knowing he doesn’t want one. Well, he said he could sense the part that doesn’t care as much if he cums or not. He said this is good cuz that may help him. Weird. I would think that my caring all the more about something would help someone that loves me want to see me get it and try harder. His philosophy is to not try hard if you even try at all. I’ve always been taught and have mostly experienced that if you want something bad enough, you have to work for it and do all you can to get it.

I agreed to go to a doctor in April of ‘97 cuz it was the soonest I could get him to agree to go. To me, this seems like a long time to wait for something you say you want (we made the agreement in Sept). He says it just seems like a long time to me cuz I believe we’ll need to go to a doctor whereas he’s 100% sure we’ll have no problem before April of ‘97. He said he feels this way due to the progress we’ve made, therefore we should have no problems progressing all the way. Well, the only progress that I see we’ve made is that I can take him inside of me and do a few more positions, but he still hasn’t cum. So as far as I see it, I’m the only one who’s made progress. He always says he’s getting closer to cumming and that he’ll cum anytime soon, but I know he’s full of shit.

Anyway, it hurts knowing I’ll never be a mom and I’ll never forgive Tom for lying to me and hurting me, but I love him and I know I can’t force him to be a father.

What I mean by being a DES daughter is that this was a drug (now not used for this) that mothers who were at risk of having miscarriages were given. Later it was discovered that it causes problems in both daughters and sons of mothers who were DES-exposed. However, different reports seem to state different things. Some say the biggest issue was the higher chances of cervical and breast cancer. Others say the biggest issue was miscarriages and sterility. Well, sometimes it’s unfortunate that my woman’s intuition or ESP or whatever you want to call it is pretty accurate on things I feel strongly about, cuz this is one of them. I mean, my gut has always told me I’m sterile, regardless of Tom and his shit. God just won’t budge on this subject and allow me to have a kid and I still don’t know if it’s cuz I don’t qualify or if he’s just trying to save my life. If God can do anything, and I believe he can, then why can’t he allow me to have a kid without it killing me or my marriage? This is why I think he won’t allow it cuz I want it and cuz I know I wouldn’t be the worst mom in the world. I’m also not a druggie and I haven’t gone through shit in life that would be even worse than what I’ve already gone through that’s bad enough. Meaning I haven’t been raped or molested or in some accident that caused me to break every single bone in my body or burned in a fire. I’d have to not want a kid all the time or have something so incredibly bad happen to me that’d be beyond anything I’ve ever experienced or have a major flood or fire in here or get into drugs. No thanks, so I’m out of luck.