We just played 5 games of cards and now he’s doing his second usual - the computer.

I’m so fed up with Tom like never before and am even wondering if I shouldn’t just go back out on my own again. Maybe I’m better off lonely and in a complete shell than dealing with his bullshit lies and false promises. Just when we both thought things were getting better. I realize more and more that I could never have a child with this man, even if there were no problems with intimacy. Remember how a few years ago I had said constantly that if one’s gonna have a kid, better to have that kid alone? That way the stress of the relationship itself doesn’t get hit with the double whammy of having the kid to deal with too. It’s so true that two’s company, but three’s a crowd. Sharing other humans whether they’re a friend or a kid with someone else is just all the more hazardous to the main relationship. I couldn’t raise a child with Tom any more than I could have an active friend that Andy and I both shared. I saw what Brenda, Bonnie and Steve did to my friendship with Andy and I know what kids can do to couples. I’d rather be glad this man could never get me pregnant and cry over missing out on being a mom for the rest of my life than take such chances and risks as having a kid with him or anyone else.

Last night he admitted to something that I suspected was true. See? I have these things that I suspect about him that he eventually confirms are true, so why should I be wrong about his not wanting a kid? There’s no way I’m wrong about the kid issue.

When he went to bed, I was in bed crying and he said to get it out now, cuz he didn’t want me to have to get it out 2-3 hours later. I said, “No. It’ll only burden and depress you and cause us to fight.” He said it would burden him, but that I could still get it out if I needed to.

That little fuck! So he really is burdened by things that upset me and really would rather not hear it at all. Well, that’s exactly what he’s gonna get since talking about things could never change them anyhow.

Then at one point, I had said that I played the words he wrote in my journal through my head over and over, but that it wasn’t helping me. I said, “We aren’t ever having a kid, are we?” Then I asked if he thought his fears of me being a bad mom were playing on his subconscious.

He said, “I don’t know what the problem is or else I’d have fixed it. I don’t know if that’s it.”

So he confirmed that that’s a possibility after telling me that wasn’t the case. He is right about the fact that yes, I’d be a lousy mother. I’ll give the guy that much.

I told him the thing I don’t understand about him is why does that have to be another one of those things that he has to put off? Why does everything have to be such a waiting game with him? I told him that if he was very sick, he wouldn’t make a doctor’s appointment over a year from then, so why the wait? How does he know that this problem of his will be “fixed” by April of ‘97? Can’t he see his stubbornness is hurting me? Can’t he see he’s forcing me to wait so long when we could just go to the doctor? His answer to that was that he had doubts if I really wanted a kid cuz I wasn’t willing to wait. Yes, good things are worth waiting for, but that’s not the point. I want to go to a doctor cuz I do want it. I don’t want to wait over a year. Besides that comment of his was just a way to stick the blame on me like he’s been doing ever since we began screwing to cover up his own problems and fears and bullshit lies about it. He uses the most stupid excuses for his problems. If it isn’t me he uses as an excuse, it’s some other stupid thing that’s really just a part of life. Millions of other people who don’t know each other’s names get pregnant from one-night stands, but he can’t with his wife and he expects me to believe that he isn’t against having a kid? I thought I was the #1 chicken in this world as far as having a kid goes, but now I see I’m the #2 chicken. He’s always got to “get relaxed” which he’s obviously never been able to do. There’s never an “opportunity” for him to get me pregnant, he claims. Then he always insists that I want to fight with him and that I’m deliberately taking “cheap shots” at him and now he says he wonders frequently if we should be married. That makes two of us and if he comes home from work today and asks me to pack, I’m not gonna fight for him. I’ll just call my folks for help, go live in a shell and dance till I’m too old to dance and I die of starvation. There’s no other kind of a life I could make for myself anyway if I lived on my own.

Then he said that two nights ago (I don’t know why he waited 24 hours to tell me this unless it was just out of spite), I went on for hours about how Kim and Alex were so respectful while they were here.

That’s a crock and I told the little prick that what I said was that Alex may come out to visit Arizona late this year with a girlfriend and that Alex and Kim would respect our privacy and not get in our way. This didn’t take hours, either.

I’m just so fed up with this man and I’ve never been more afraid to talk to him. I’ll write a million times more as I never thought I could or would be so afraid to talk to him after he admitted to being burdened. That’s true love from him, huh? If I could snap my fingers and be pregnant, I’d be afraid more than I ever thought I could or would, knowing that he really does think just what I thought he thinks about that. Nope. I sure as hell won’t talk to him or be a parent with him. Yes, I’ll be intimate with him, but that’s only cuz I know he can’t make me pregnant. If this latest fight has done me any good, it’s made me more grateful that he can’t climax and made me feel less of an inadequate freak and now I look at his not climaxing as safe and much less of a mess.

Again, though, who knows if I’ll be here? I wouldn’t be surprised if he dumps me at this point.

Another thing that confirmed that it was sheer jealousy on his part about Kim and Alex’s visit is how he said back then that they didn’t ask him too about coming here. Andy didn’t ask him too about sleeping over. He asked me and I asked him and he said it was OK like I figured he would. Then I told Andy that it was OK as I figured it would be. He never labeled Andy as disrespectful for not asking him too. He went on to say that I rubbed something in his face that we’re never gonna agree on. Bullshit. Then he says that I have to make my own decisions in life and that I should walk around any obstacles that are in the way of what I want. Yeah, right! I made the decision to have a child, but he won’t allow that. Besides, what am I supposed to do? Say to him that he’s an obstacle to my having a kid cuz he won’t climax and go grab some guy off the street to get pregnant? Give me a break!

The hope and thought of having a kid with him are over as it always has been and this marriage might be, too.

Later...

I’m sitting at the kitchen table as I write and making spag.

I’m wondering, though - does one have a right to seal someone else’s fate? Meaning, does Tom have the right to pre-judge and assume for sure that I’d be a bad mother and deny me my right to be a mother if I could?

I suppose he does. If I felt he’d do something harmful to a child, I wouldn’t want to have any part in making him a father. I know that when he comes home today he’s gonna mention my being a bad mother and how he has doubts about it to “get me” for last night. Especially cuz I said fuck you to him. I’m almost certain he’ll bring up the subject of a divorce, too, but like I said, I won’t be fighting for him. All the fight has gone out of me as far as getting anything I want is concerned.

I’m a bit irked by what Andy told Karson. He told her if she wrote me a letter I’d forgive her. Well, I don’t appreciate him taking it upon himself to decide this for me. It’s not a question of my having to forgive Karson whether or not she’s pregnant. I just don’t want to deal with people like her. Why does Karson want to be my friend so much and why does Andy always have to be so pushy? I don’t like subjects or people being pushed on me that I wish to avoid.

Later...

The birds actually like Shake-N-Bake. Yesterday I made pork chops and decided to see if they liked it and they did.

The phone’s ringing now and I’m sure it’s Andy. However, I don’t feel like talking to anyone right now. I better save my voice and energy for the hell to come when Tom gets home. Come to think of it, whoever called didn’t seem to let it ring long enough to leave a message, but I’m sure it was Andy.

Now I’ll go watch an old rerun of Little House, then Charlie’s Angels which comes on after.

Later...

I’m so bored now. I could use a nice hot relaxing bath, so I guess I’ll go take one. Then I can maybe type some more of this up or play computer games.

This is day two of being constipated. It’s amazing I even awoke at 98 pounds, but I did.

It’s 63º now. They say 66º for Saturday and they’re still saying 70º for Super Bowl Sunday.

Only about two more hours until I have to deal with Tom. I doubt he’ll stop at the library as he mentioned doing one of these days since he’s probably too pissed at me.

I just thought of a scary possibility, although it’s doubtful. This one I doubt the most. Maybe God won’t let him let himself climax so I don’t get pregnant cuz God knows we’ll be divorced and doesn’t want us to deal with a custody battle on top of all else. Nah - Tom knows I’d want him to take the kid and God could just sterilize me. God wouldn’t allow me to be pregnant under any circumstances, rich, poor, single or married.

Also, Tom explained to me how he sort of bought this house illegally and maybe he’s waiting till we move to divorce me so he doesn’t get in trouble. On the other hand, I’m sure he could find a way around it and the house is in his name only which I would think would make him feel more comfortable than having a house with both our names on it.

What does he see in me? What does he want from me? He likes how I don’t care to work and he doesn’t need me to carry a child for him, so just what purpose do I serve him?

Sometimes I wish I did have a car and a job and could keep a schedule. Then there’d be more money and less time for me to sit around and wonder and analyze. Kim really got her money’s worth out of this journal she bought me, huh? It’s jammed packed with bitching, confusion, ideas, theories, fears, doubts, anger, depression and questions. Maybe I should learn more about how houses and marriages work. Maybe then I’ll find some answers.

I’m not saying Tom doesn’t love me. I know he does. I just wish I knew why? He says I’m smart and attractive, but I have a hard time buying the attractive part of it for reasons we already know. I simply feel there’s something else he sees in me that I don’t know of. I highly doubt he’s afraid to be alone. He can keep a schedule and with his car and job, he’d have no problem. In fact, I wonder why he doesn’t see being alone as cheaper with less to do and less bullshit. What does he really see in me? Why does he really love me? I hope I’ll know the answer soon enough.

If only I were friends with a legit psychic. A real psychic. One more psychic than I ever could be.

Later...

Well, I guess he’ll be home within an hour. A part of me wishes I were going to bed now, but we may as well get all the fighting done and over with.

I listened to music and played computer games, but now I’m bored again. Bored and depressed and totally powerless to change anything.

After we fight and maybe get told I’m getting dumped and certainly get told there’ll be no kid cuz I’d be a bad mother, I’ll write all about it. If I don’t write tonight, I’ll write tomorrow. I just wish it wasn’t the weekend! I don’t want to deal with him or be with him.

Tom should’ve gotten off work an hour ago, so where is he? Did he stop at the grocery store? I wonder if he’s left. He once told me that if I left, don’t come back. Well, he better apply this rule to himself if he’s gone off somewhere. Is he running down to the courthouse to get divorce papers? He calls when he’s gonna be late, so who knows if something’s up if he isn’t on his way home now.

Later...

Thank God everything’s alright! He came in at 5:30 and I said, “Do you have any idea just how worried I’ve been?” He did go to the library which was the last place I thought he’d go. Then he asked if I was still mad at him. I said, “No, but I tried lying to myself and saying to myself that I was.” We hugged and kissed and he said he was sorry I forgot about it and got worried. I said I wanted to forget about last night and move forward and he agreed.

Due to forgetting he was going to the library and knowing he calls when he’s gonna be late, I called Tammy in a panic. I told her, “I know you can’t help me, but we had a spat last night and I’m afraid he’s filing for divorce.” Then I told her how he got cigarettes for me this morning, then left for work, then I got up.

She said, “He’s not gonna get your cigarettes, then file for divorce.”

When I told Tom, I wrote 23 pages today he asked if I wrote a lot of bad things about him. I guess he may not appreciate some of the things I wrote, but I also wrote negative things about myself, too. Like what a shitty mother I’d make.

Later...

I’ve really got to push myself to smoke outside only as I’ve said many times before cuz it makes it stink in here and it affects Tom. It’d make me smoke less, too.

Tom’s reading his electronics magazine that he got in the mail. Where’s my puzzle magazine? It seems to me it’s quite late and I’m running low on backup ones.

I don’t wonder why Tom’s not horny and why I’m sure he won’t touch me this weekend, but I wonder why I haven’t been horny. It comes and goes, but it seems this low point has lasted longer. I know I could always take care of myself, but I guess it’s easier this way. Plus, it’s not always convenient for me to take care of myself the moment the mood strikes.

I can’t believe I wrote 25 pages today. That’d shock the shit out of Andy and I’ll bet Andy would never write that much in one day.

I’ve decided to get two more journals like 100, 103 & 104. I want to use one for a regular journal but with different colors of print. The other I want to use for drawing as I feel I’m worthy of it now. I’ve improved so much, even though, I still have a long way to go. I have so many more ideas to draw. The spiral journals would be perfect for it cuz they’re a perfect size and the spiral ones lay flat when opened, unlike this one. Tom couldn’t find any drawing book ideas, but he brought home two oil painting books. One’s by Bob Ross.

The first one of them, which has step-by-step instructions that I want to try is one of palm trees and an ocean. A good 99% of all his paintings are of New England scenery. A lot of fall and winter landscapes.

I guess Tom’s gone now to do some computer work. I still feel as if he’d rather stay away from me unless I called for him to be close to me.

Anyway, the other painting book was of several different things. Scenery, naked women, buildings, still life, etc. All the pictures were either ugly or boring, but they had a color dial in them which is helpful. It shows you what colors to mix to get certain colors. It’s pretty neat how you can buy a Bob Ross book that’s much less in thickness for nearly $20 but get a much thicker book of his for free at the library.

I’m getting really fed up with those two dogs two yards down that bark all the time and that are so cruelly neglected. I can’t even be in the music room without having the music on. Sometimes I want to sit in there with no music on. Just peace and quiet so I can concentrate. I may check the house number that’s painted on the curb and send them a letter saying I work for the humane society. Or how my crazy brother is threatening to shoot them or something like that. I doubt it’d do me much good, though.

Later...

My name is Jodi Lin S and my nickname is Mystery. I’ll get into how I got that nickname some other time. I’m 30 years old, 5’ tall, 100 pounds with green eyes and brown curly hair to the top of my butt (when you pull it straight).

I’ve been living in Phoenix, Arizona since 6/9/1992, but was born in Springfield, Massachusetts.

My husband Tom, is one of the few natives left of Arizona. My husband Tom, who’s 38 and who works in a bank, is 5’ 10”, 192 pounds with blue-gray eyes and wavy brown-gray hair. His hair color suits him well and his eyes are gorgeous. His middle name is Allen, by the way.