I was right about the 22nd, but first let me mention that Andy will be sleeping over again next Tuesday. They never bombed his place which he was so pissed about and I don’t blame him. They left him a note saying they didn’t bomb cuz people didn’t cover their dishes. So he bitched the office out saying they should have sense enough to know he’d be washing them due to all the roaches all over them. They should’ve left everyone notes to wash any exposed dishes during the bombing. Tom says that if he lives surrounded by trees, they can spray and bomb all they want, but they’ll keep coming back. I asked Andy why he doesn’t just say fuck it and wait till he moves which is just barely over a month away. He says he doesn’t want to take them with him. I told him to just make sure anything he packs in boxes doesn’t have roaches in it and he says it’s not that easy cuz the situation is that bad.

On the 22nd, after I spoke to Tammy and at the end of the day there, all kinds of shit went down with Lisa, but I’ll write about it after getting some more of this typed up.

Later...

Andy liked what I wrote in his journal and read it to Michelle. He said he was amazed at how much I wrote, having beat him already. He wrote 6 pages and I wrote 8.

I have to type up at least one more journal so I can use multi-colored print as I’ve been doing for people’s letters due to our black ribbon being sort of dead. There’s green, blue, purple, red and magenta.

Tom never emptied out the water in the EC which is now running off the roof and leaking down into the back room.

Why does God insist I basically live in old places as well as have me be in weird sexual issues? There’s always something going on that’s fucked up or broken, as well as I’m always involved in some kind of sexual issue that’s negative/abnormal. When I was born did God say, “I’m gonna make sure she always deals with second best or worse and either she or her partners must have problems sexually.” First I was too tight, then couldn’t get anyone I was attracted to (except for a few times) now it’s Tom’s refusing to cum. Can’t God leave all alone for once as far as sex is concerned? I’ve had and still have enough other things about me that are different.

I guess it all comes down to two things again. God being unfair and compensating me for the things I do have and can do.

Anyway, what’s going on with Lisa is that according to Tammy she’s doing horrible in school. Bullying teachers and classmates and getting Fs like never before. Now I know some of it is typical teenage shit, but I know the bulk of her ways are Tammy-inspired. With Tammy screaming and bitching and cutting her down so much, what does she expect? And Bill isn’t exactly father of the year, either. Tammy and Bill are both so serious and tense constantly. Tammy says she’s aggressively looking into a private school for Lisa.

Great. That’ll really solve things and make Lisa feel better about herself and about life and like her parents want, love and care for her. I even asked Tammy if she thought this might make Lisa feel rejected and cause more trouble and her answer was that she hoped it made Lisa feel the same amount of rejection and pain as it was doing to her. She says Lisa’s embarrassed her and when I asked her since when did she give a shit about what others think, she said she always has. Yeah, I guess this is true for her. Larry walking out of our lives really hit her hard whereas I looked at it as, “Oh, well. This is life. Shit like this happens all the time, so what’s one more person dumping me when my own parents did that?”

What is it - a family tradition to send your kids away? Is this hereditary? Tammy almost got sent away herself as did Larry.

Like I said I know all kids cause trouble and that Tammy’s not the worst mother, but I really believe she’s pretty much a carbon copy of our mom and that’s bad enough. I’m not there all the time to see everything that goes on, but I know my sister well enough to know what she’s like. She’ll never change. The only thing that’s changed with her is that she quit cutting me down cuz she knows I won’t listen to it or bother with her. I also appreciate for life her getting me out of Massachusetts, then out of Connecticut, but Tammy is still Tammy. The same as always and I feel so bad for those kids of hers and really feel one of two things will happen. The state will either take them away and they’ll go through the same shit I did in foster homes or she’ll kick them out one by one. The state already threatened to take her kids away once.

I hate how more people need to get involved, but I can’t. There’s nothing I can do, but I hope someone closer to them will.

I hate to say this, but Tammy, like my mother, never should’ve had kids. In a way, I believe it’d be best for the girls to live with a good person(s). I know Tammy would love the peace and quiet and having no kids around and she’s expressed to me enough times how motherhood sucks and how she has no time for herself. She could have this if she were big enough to find a better place for the girls to live or got help for herself, but you can’t help someone who won’t help themselves.

Later...

Anyway, all this shit with Tammy and Lisa has sent Tom’s fear of when he said he was afraid I’d say mean things to a kid if we had one playing through my head over and over. He’s so right and I don’t want to go through the same shit Tammy’s going through. I’d be a lousy mom and I couldn’t live with myself for putting any child through what I went through. Tammy and I may be different, but we come from the same parents who were abusive.

As long as Tom refuses to cum, I’ll always believe he doesn’t want a kid and believes I’d be a bad mom. I realize more and more how I should follow my head and not my heart and avoid pregnancy, not that that’d be a hard thing to do. Like I have a damn thing to worry about as far as getting pregnant goes anyway?

Tom says Lisa’s an individual, as everyone is, so it’s not necessarily true that the other two will deal with things the way she has. Also, Bill’s not her father, so no matter how loving he is, they’ve both got that to deal with subconsciously.

I’m making pork chops now, so I’m gonna go eat while I watch Little House on the Prairie, then clean the bathroom.

Later...

I straightened up the very trashed patio a bit. Is Tom ever gonna neaten up?! He promised me a long time ago he’d call David to come over and get the old water tanks and the other old chair, but he still hasn’t called him. They’ll be here for months. Will he ever do the things he’s said he’s gonna do? This is another reason I’m afraid to have a kid with him. He’s gonna help influence it to be a slob as well as make false promises to it. Well, I’ll never have to worry about this as we both know.

The old twin-size foam pad and two old pillows were out there that he never threw away when I asked him to, so I did.

It’s quite cool out today, only in the 50s. They say it’ll be 70º this Super Bowl Sunday. Great, cuz I know my family will be watching it and Larry and Tammy can really envy me some more.

After I finish the can of Slim-Fast shakes I’ve got, I’m gonna get more. Dairy still makes me bloated and I’m 100, not 104 lately. Besides, I’m not all as determined and motivated as I’d be if I were 110 or higher. The only thing I wish I could do is get myself to keep working out, not to mention my fantasy of quitting smoking and keeping a schedule. Preferably a daytime one.

I’ve finally got 35 pages left in here. I’ve felt like this journal would never end.

Later...

Tom’s home now and later we’re gonna discuss when he’ll be taking his vacation as we’ve got a list of the weeks available for it for the rest of the year. I know it’s gonna be at the end of the year. That’ll be the only time we can afford to go to California if we’re lucky. Even if I knew I could get pregnant, I’m not gonna have my dream of going to California spoiled by a kid. I want a romantic time with him alone, not having to lug a kid around. If we had a kid before, I’d have it stay at Mary’s. She wouldn’t mind. At least knowing I can’t get pregnant, it doesn’t matter when we go as I’ll be free from having to worry about being tied down.

Tom went on the roof to determine the problem. A pipe broke when it froze. See what I mean? It only costs $3 bucks to fix it, but why is everything breaking?

The overhead light in here burned out, so I’ll have to ask Tom to put a new one in after he eats which takes him forever.

Later...

I’m starting to get tired and am gonna wind down with some coffee.

Tom’s got two weeks of vacation due to him and he’s gonna take a week in February and a week in September. Most months are taken anyway. Tom says we don’t need a vacation to go to California and that we can drive there over for a weekend. I keep forgetting just how close to CA we are.

Somewhere between yesterday and today, I’m mid-cycle, so of course Tom won’t touch me. I wouldn’t even try. Over the last few days, he’s been acting like he just wants to be alone. He’s doing the usual now - watching TV. When I asked if he wanted to play cards after he watched TV, I got no answer. I guess that means no.

I’m kind of depressed right now. Once again, I know I’m better off never being a singer or having a kid and it’s becoming easier to accept, but it hurts. It really hurts at times. It hurts how this man has lied to me. Did he always think he could just go along with what I said to make me happy? Didn’t he ever think I’d catch on and question him? Did he think I was that stupid? Did he think his lies would never hurt me?

He swears he’ll help me assemble and launch an art disk for sale, but how can I believe him? How can I believe this when he’s made too many other bogus promises to me before? Any ounce of trust, faith, confidence, belief or positive feelings are completely gone and I feel there’s nothing I or anyone could do to bring it back. Why should I, though? I’d only be setting myself up to fail or be lied to again. I’ll be damned if I let myself or anyone else play me for a fool anymore.