Last night really sucked. I was really depressed. Tom reminded me that millions of other women can’t have kids and that they just live with it. And also, not getting pregnant for years, for those who can, isn’t uncommon. True. Or else people’s kids wouldn’t be so spaced out, but instead, there are usually years between siblings. You only have 12 days you’re fertile unless you’re like me and have some problem, out of a 365-day year. So, unless a guy can/will cum several days in a row around the right time, getting pregnant will take years. People don’t usually have sex consistently on a daily basis, so hitting that right 24-hour period in a whole month’s time, isn’t so likely.

Tom said that he was sorry if he seemed hard on me. Then he wanted sympathy for his hurt toe (didn’t I say something always hurts him?) and I told him to try having sympathy for a woman who can’t have a child. He said he does, it tears him up inside, if he could change it he would, etc. Yeah well, he can’t change it. If I’m right, something’s wrong/deformed within my uterus, and there’s nothing he or any specialist can do. God made sure of that. I just have to trust that God isn’t just trying to punish me and inflict pain upon me by denying me a child and that he did the right thing. After all, I’d have only been an incompetent, abusive mother, supposedly. I must put my foot down once and for all and just live with my sterility and quit trying to change/control my weight, our sex lives, etc. I have to just accept the fact that I tried, but I can’t lose weight, can’t change our sex lives, can’t change my sterility, and that I’m just wasting my time if I try to fight it. This guy will hardly cum. I’m sterile. I must let things be however they’re gonna be. That’s all I can do anyway. I don’t want to have such a hard, miserable life and another 4 years or more dwelling on how I can never have a kid. I can’t help my feelings, but at the same time, I’ve got to turn my feelings off any way I can so I can go on living. I want to live in peace, not feeling a gap in my life for as long as I live. All my life, there’s always been some issue that eats at me for years. Yeah? Well, no more!!

Later...

My opinions about what’s going on next door have fluctuated, but right now, I’d say they can’t be that afraid, cuz it looks like they’re trying to catch a certain person that sent them some “hate mail.” It seems that they’re trying to make it seem that the house is empty, but they’re doing a bad job of it. I’d say, though, that the car, that’s been sitting in the same spot for days now, is bait, and due to the fact that he’s obviously some kind of car dealer, he can use other cars. That’s probably why he was in that white thing. She strikes me as the type to get pissed off at such mail and eager to stay around and catch whoever’s behind it, rather than the type to run scared. But then why’d she call the cops? Maybe the cops had nothing to do with the letter after all but had something to do with him, cuz he definitely hasn’t been here every day like the bitch has.

Even though I have a million reasons to hate God, I thank him for this second temporary absence of the dog. If it were over there now, it’d be obnoxious at this hour, but cuz it’s not, all’s peaceful. I shall enjoy it while it lasts, but hey, they’ll be hearing me, too.

Now Tom’s not sure if this bird’s a she. He says that Tweety may be a he, but who really cares either way?

I had to stop taking the Dexatrim, cuz after just 3 hours of sleep I’d wake up, then have a hard time falling back to sleep. It was also making me a bit more nervous/moody. It said that this could happen, too. Also, I cut my food intake in half, if not more, only to gain two goddamn pounds. Something up there does not want me to lose weight. Fuck it, like I said. I give up on everything - the weight, the sleeping with him (he’ll just have to sleep on the couch if he’s sleeping when I am), the sex and the kid. I have no choice anyway, cuz God made those choices for me.