I have so much to write about! I hope I remember to say all I want to say, but let’s start with the freeloaders. To my surprise, they were quiet all weekend. And I was wide awake all day. There’s bound to be compensation for this sooner or later, but the only vehicle I saw over there was Bill’s. He wasn’t here for long when I heard his car start up with its typical scratchy, wheezy screech, and drive away.

At 10 PM on Friday, I saw a male blackie of about 6’ and the mistake being dropped off in the street. It was too dark for me to see the car, but who was this dude? The teenager? The cock? Someone else? Do they live there? I wouldn’t be surprised if it still isn’t just the bitch and mistake living there. I also wouldn’t be surprised if the lease only allowed just the bitch and mistake to live there, either.

Sunday, a carpet cleaning truck was parked on the street in front of their place. I was surprised to see them there on a Sunday, but Tom says that’s common. Wish the city would cater to our carpets for free! Today, there was a large white pickup that said: City of Phoenix - Housing. Tom said that that fits with the carpet cleaning truck. He says whenever they have that the city shows up shortly after. I haven’t noticed the connection, but it makes sense.

If the kid was picked up this morning, but of course Bill’s here, I didn’t hear it. I still would like to know why Bill’s here all day if the kid isn’t. He must really hate where he lives, and he must be one desperate, lonely sucker! I feel sorry for the man, though, and hold no animosity towards the guy. He never wronged me in any way like his sick daughter. Or his granddaughter. Tom wonders, since Bill’s so old, if that isn’t her grandfather, rather than her father, but I don’t know. I think it’s her father. But it’s also hard to judge this cuz it’s hard to judge that bitch’s age. I just can’t tell how old she is. Tom thinks the early 20s, but to me, she looks mid-30s.

I haven’t heard a thing in the way of music from the renters. That white car hasn’t returned and that was the only car that seemed to have that kind of a stereo. Now there’s some maroon-colored car to go with the red one.

There were a couple of kids playing ball in the renter’s driveway on Saturday. It wasn’t nearly as obnoxious as the freeloaders, cuz it was across the street and not just a few feet from our walls, and it was a plastic ball. Not a heavy basketball.

The only other annoyance was this car somewhere around here. It was even more annoying than the ball bouncing across the street, cuz the fan didn’t drown it out too well. Some asshole around here with a loud engine that might’ve been a motorcycle engine, would sit there and rev up his engine, then let it die down, then he’d gun his engine again, and he’d do this on and off for 15 minutes. Was he that hard up for attention and acknowledgment? Or was he just simply fucked?

Katie and Ashley still show no apparent signs of being pregnant, so if they don’t have babies by March 4th, which would be the maximum time since I got them that they carry babies, then they’re either females who never got pregnant, or they’re males. I doubt they’re males, but for a minute yesterday, it did look like Katie was trying to screw Star. We’ll just have to wait and see what happens. If these were males, it’d still be OK, cuz I’d just bring them back to the store along with the male babies that Star, Bandit, Shy, Patch, and the two Cocoas may have. Like I said, I doubt it, though cuz I’d think that if they were males, we’d have both seen more obvious signs of that by now! They’d be jumping those ladies left and right!

Later...

I just went out back and took a closer look at the pool water around the edges of the pool cover, and yuck! It was very green. That’s Tom for you. He’s great with the bare necessities but lousy at keeping up with the pool and yard work. So I wound the cover on its reel hoping that cooling things down a bit would help. Also, it looks better, even if it’s green. Green water looks better than a pool cover.

I put a bowl of water out for Shiny since the pool was so gross. The reason I stopped putting water bowls out for him was cuz he’d ignore them and get drinks out of the pool. Also, the water bowl would get algae and all kinds of gross shit in it that was nearly impossible to clean out. So I’ll save our margarine containers, and that way, he can regularly have something new to drink out of.

I called Tammy’s to tell her to look for some wild mail from us, which I’ll get into later, but Becky was there alone with a bad stomach. You can leave an 11-year-old alone? I don’t know enough about kids to know this. I mean, I know you can’t leave a 4-year-old alone, but I don’t know about an 11-year-old.

We haven’t had any need to deal with the leak from the toilet tank yet, but Tom got rid of that fucked up push-button and put a regular handle back on the toilet. Words cannot describe how wonderful it is to just quickly flush a toilet again! I’m gonna savor every moment of this, cuz I know it’s just a matter of time before there’s another major toilet nuisance. I mean, first it flushed so sluggishly that most of the time toilet paper and shit wouldn’t get flushed. Then it would leak from within the inside due to a leak in the flap. Then the handle would get hung up and the water would keep running and running. Then we had to deal with the push button that you had to push and hold in so hard for 20 seconds that you felt like your fingers were gonna break. Am I forgetting anything else? Anyway, I’m sure the leak at the bottom of the tank will be our next major problem. If not, God will find something else. For now, though, it’s great if I wake up in the middle of my sleep, cuz all I have to do is just tap the handle. No more having to stand there and wait for the fucking thing to flush while I’m dog-tired midway through my sleep.

I just began a book called Ghost Fire and it looks like I’m gonna like it.

Looks like Caddie Kid’s been replaced. There’s this light gray car, an old piece of shit, that’s been banging by the last few days. Although it really isn’t as bad as caddie kid. No one can be that bad, I don’t think. Yeah, I knew the peace from the stereos wouldn’t last. It goes in cycles around here.

Tom was my piss courier this morning and drove a sample of my piss to the doctor’s office just like they asked me to do when I finished my antibiotics. I finished them yesterday and I hope I sleep better now that I’m off of them. Last night and two nights ago, I only got 4-5 hours of sleep. Yet I felt amazingly good for such a lack of sleep. Not smoking helps. And not having to do it every day for four months helps, too.

The current plan is to go to a toy store to check out their dolls on Friday. Did I tell you about last Thursday and Friday night’s doll shows? Shit! They’re getting worse. They’re getting more expensive and more repetitious. Usually, they show a quick shot of the dolls they’re gonna show, then they spend 5-10 minutes going over the doll in detail, then they recap them at the end and show you a quick clip of the dolls. So, that’s three times the dolls get shown. The last time, though, they kept showing the same fucking dolls over and over again. All through that long 4-hour doll show, they didn’t show more than 25 dolls. The same old, same old. They’d go over the same doll five different times for ten minutes. It was a complete waste of time and with all the dolls they showed that I’ve seen several times before, no Glenora. They had a 42” doll for $450 and another 36” one for $200. The 42” sucked and the 36” one was so-so.

Anyway, I don’t know if I’ll be able to get to the doll store on Friday or my appointment with Mel and Char on Monday, cuz I’m in the same boat I was in before today’s appointments got canceled. My schedule’s too far ahead to push it back further enabling me to be up at 10:00 a week from now (I got up at 7:30 AM today), and it’s too far behind to push it forward so I’m getting up around midnight. I may not make it to either place, but I’m certainly gonna focus on getting my teeth taken care of. Not getting a doll. If the doll has to wait in order to make my appointment, it has to wait. Or maybe I can get the doll after I see Mel and Char. We’ll see.

Paula left me a message early Sunday morning. I try to avoid her on weekends. Not just cuz I don’t usually do phone chats on the weekend, but cuz I usually try to avoid her when the kid’s there. I wait till he’s in school, cuz it’s so annoying to have her be constantly yelling at the kid while we talk. I’ll call her and we’ll be talking, then she’ll put me on hold for a couple of minutes to go scream at it. That’s what you get for having kids, Paula! No peace. No freedom. No life. Meanwhile, we don’t need to pay for her to scream at the kid. Long-distance calls cost money. Even when it’s her calling and paying, it still really irritates me. When you’re talking on the phone, you should be talking to that person. Not who’s in the room with you.

Another reason to add to my list of reasons not to get in vitro, or whatever it’s called, is cuz of the weight I’ve lost. I worked too long and hard on that to throw it away. I’m confused now, though, as to exactly what in vitro is. I thought Linda said it was basically artificial insemination where they inject sperm into her, but Tom says it’s where they insert a fertilized egg in there. What Tom said would make sense, cuz if all Linda needed was sperm injected into her, couldn’t her husband do that at home? She never mentioned him having a problem. Well, even though Tom thinks I’ll return to a fertility doctor someday, I can’t see it. I love life too much to throw it away. I mean, my life’s not perfect. I still have problems just like anyone else, but you know what I mean. I need all the stability, peace, and freedom I can get. I couldn’t handle anything drastically different than what I’ve got now. I also value my time with my husband. I need to be with him. I don’t care to share him with his mother, his sister, a kid, or anyone else.

True to my vision, I woke up yesterday at 107 pounds! What was the catch for that? I was stuck yesterday. Therefore, I woke up at 109 today. Since I’m obviously gonna be stuck 2-3 times a week, losing more weight is gonna be a toughie! If only I could be 95-100 pounds, cuz it’s a hell of a lot easier to maintain your weight than it is to lose it. Also, I could afford to slack off my diet a couple of days a week, too. Will I ever get down to 100? I don’t know. I mean, it sure as hell didn’t seem likely at 125 pounds compared to now, but only time will tell. I don’t see it right now, so that means that it’s at least not in the near future if it’s gonna happen at all. Maybe in June or July, I’ll be 100 pounds.

It still seems, though, that no matter how much weight I lose, it still looks like I have a double chin when I have my head tilted downward. And I’m still fat in the lower cheeks where my jaws are. Jowls, I think they call it. I know a part of it is that it’s sagging with age, although my tits and ass miraculously haven’t started sagging yet, but still, I hate it! First I had to contend with a fat gut and fat thighs with craters on the backs of them, and now I’ve got a fat face and neck to add to the picture with craters everywhere! My hips aren’t exactly as narrow as they used to be either, and I’m still thick-waisted.

We didn’t screw this weekend. Now I don’t know if Tom didn’t screw me cuz he truly chickened out for fear of me being all irritated down there, or if he did it to punish me for needing a break from sex. But it’s not a punishment to me. I don’t want sex with him. I still don’t think sex and relationships are a good mix, and I just don’t desire him sexually. I love him to death, I want to spend all the time in the world with him, I want to cuddle with him, chat with him, and do things with him, but I just don’t feel right about screwing with him. It’s almost like we’re too close for that. I know it sounds funny since it’s usually those who aren’t getting along that don’t want to screw, but you know me. If it’s different sexually, it’s me. Or the one I’m having sex with. Well, I guess I should just be thankful that the relationship part of it is as good as it is and that I don’t want to have sex with others other than in my mind, and that he loves, understands, and accepts me as I am. He’s so patient and supportive. I swear no other man in the world would be like this in bed and take this attitude towards the lack of sex and the lack of desire on my part. I never heard of a guy like him! So, what used to frustrate, depress, and even anger me, is now something I consider myself to be very blessed by.

He made the comment that he was trying to think of ways to “ease us back into sex” after not having it so long when we were cuddled in bed, and then I told him if he was gonna chicken out and not be able to get into it, that was OK too. Then he pointed out his dick, which was rock hard the whole time, and said, “This doesn’t get hard unless it’s excited?” 

Then I couldn’t resist responding with, “And it doesn’t squirt when it’s scared.” I couldn't resist that crack, true or not!

Anyway, Tom suggested we ease back into it (for the millionth time) by him just going in on the side during the week when he’s tired. That’s fine, and my saying he can cum or not cum still stands, but I can’t take this on-and-off sex shit with him! We have to screw once a week, regardless of my lack of desire. Period. I can’t keep dealing with the irritation I get when we “ease back into it.” From here on out - we either do it consistently or we don’t do it at all. That’s the only way it can be for me cuz of the irritation, or else I’d love to take breaks from sex due to my lack of desire. I’m even losing the desire for the vibrators. It used to be that I’d cum a few times a day in no time at all, but not anymore. Lately, it’s half as often, and seems to take me forever to cum. Sometimes I just can’t cum. I think that’s the main problem; is that it’s gotten to be so hard for me to cum. It just doesn’t happen as easily as it used to. It takes so long. I think that may also be why I don’t want to try to do myself with him on the side. Because by the time I came, if I came, he’d be dog tired. That’d be just fine with him, and even though I know he’d be fine never having sex with me again and that he could take care of himself forever, even though he’d say differently, I still would feel guilty and like I was depriving him. My attitude towards the next time we screw is to do it out of a sense of duty, so to speak. Not cuz I’ve just got to get laid.

Fucking kids! Why did I ever want one of those loud, obnoxious, destructive little monsters in my house? I’m sick of these kids parading around in our yard after they get off the school bus. We’re on the corner, so that makes it easier to do, but what is it with kids playing on other people’s property? There were about five of them and they were picking up some old roofing bits and one boy was chasing another up the driveway with it and I don’t need them throwing shit at the house. So as soon as I opened the door and said, “Please don’t come in our yard,” they all scurried off, but one. One was looking for something in between our driveway and W. Weldon within a patch of weeds, acting as if he couldn’t hear or see me. And this isn’t the only busload I have to deal with. They drop off kids at 2:05, 3:05, and 3:35. What I don’t get, though, is why the kids on all these buses look the same age. I thought the younger ones got out of school earlier. Most of the time they scurry right away, but sometimes I just never know what they’re gonna do. Of course, asking them not to come into our yard may’ve been a dumb mistake.

Later...

I figured out something about the freeloaders. I don’t know what took me so long to put two and two together, but the cock lives next door. I was wondering why he’d give up his gray car and why I wouldn’t see the cranberry car on weekends. I think he ditched his gray car to hide the fact that he’s living here and that the dude in the cranberry car comes to take him to and from work (I saw him get dropped off at about 4:00). Meanwhile, the cranberry car doesn’t come around on weekends cuz he’s here, and cuz that car only needs to come around to take him to work. If the cock was roommates with the dude driving the cranberry car as I had thought, then he’d be bringing the cock here on weekends, which I haven’t seen him doing. That must explain his getting dropped off last Friday and another time I saw him get dropped off in the afternoon. I knew some male blackie that was around 6’ lived there. It may not be the cock, though. These things all look the same and isn’t the cock bald? Well, this thing I saw today had a little wool fuzz on its head. Maybe it is the cock and it’s growing its hair out. It wore glasses. It looked too old to be a teenager. Well, if he lives here - fine. I won’t contact the city. But that’s only as long as he has no car. He’s not to live here with a car and therefore a stereo to torment me with. It’s not the fraud I care about. That bitch can have ten people over there who aren’t supposed to be there. It’s the constant music and door slamming I refuse to ever put up with again. If he had played his music at a reasonable volume in the first place, not come out several times a day to deliberately slam doors on me, and not put a barking dog just outside our walls as another way to piss me off, then he and that dog could’ve been here all along and there’d never have been any problems.

Speaking of barking, I heard not one bark all day in the living room from anywhere across the street. Except for the squealing kiddies, it was a peaceful day.

I tried Tammy’s again, but Lisa answered saying Tammy was at some business meeting with Mark. Lisa and I had a good talk and it was nice to touch base with her.

She said she did a solo in January.

I got a kick out of how she said the kids were all laughing at her when she got on the bus with frozen hair. She had just come out of the shower and her wet hair froze in the bitter cold. I remember that shit! Yuck!

She has to smoke outside and says she’s got to quit smoking cuz of the cold, but I know she won’t quit till she’s around my age. Maybe even older.

She claims she hasn’t talked to Larry since November and that he’s probably pissed at her for not calling, but I think she’s been calling regularly, even though she always makes it sound like she’s done with him. It’s her life. If she wants to associate with people like that, that’s her choice.

She’s a typical teenager, but more so, it’s amazing how much she’s just like I was when I was her age. The cigarettes, the pot, the cutting, the eating disorder. I was anorexic, but in her case, she’s bulimic. She says she’s not puking up her food, but nowadays, I’ve learned that sadly enough, I can’t always trust what she tells me. I myself tried what she’s done, but puking’s just so gross that I could never get myself to do it. She said she felt that way at first, but with her sick fuck of a father on her case, she’s been really desperate to lose weight. Yeah, I know how it is. Dureen picked on me about my weight too, and I ended up how I did cuz of it.

See, this is why I have to make a clean break when we move from everyone I was ever related to in the state of Florida, Massachusetts and Connecticut. When I hear her tell me how Bill taunts her about her weight and all the other stuff I hear from her and Tammy, it burns me up inside! It’s frustrating when you want to kill someone that’s on the other side of the country! It not only sends me boiling with anger, but it brings back a whole flood of shitty memories from my past and I can only fully move on by letting go of these people and associating with only positive, happy forces out here if I can help it. If that’s being as emotionally weak and as non-accepting as Dureen, then so be it, but that’s my problem. A person’s gotta do what a person’s gotta do.

Now I’ll get into Tammy’s mail. I’m also sending Paula and Andy my latest computer work, too! They’re gonna love it. It’s totally different than anything I’ve ever sent them. Tom showed me how to superimpose pictures to make them look really out of this world. It’s easy, but it’s hard. The steps are simple enough, but it is a bit time-consuming.

I made it look like Shiny was standing on top of me while I was floating in the pool in one picture. How I did it was I traced Shiny from a picture of him getting a drink indoors, then copied and pasted him into the picture of me floating. Then I sized and positioned him to where I felt it looked best. I also took a picture of Tammy’s kids sitting on their couch and put an enlarged picture of Ratsy sitting on Sarah’s lap. As Tom said, she had the perfect expression for that too, cuz it was like, “Great! He gets to sit on my lap!”

I took one of Andy singing on stage where he had his arm sort of out by his face. It was about a foot away from his face. I made it look like he was holding a very large mouse by the tail. In another one, I made it look like a mouse was crawling up his arm.

I cut out my legs in a picture of me doing the perfect handstand in the pool and put them behind Tammy on her kitchen counter. I put Tom lying in her snow-filled yard.

It’s so much fun and I did so many wild things. I put my hair on Lisa and made it even longer. I blew up a different shot of Ratsy and put it on the table with Becky and Sarah. I put Tom’s face where Sarah’s face was in a picture of the three of them. I put my face in their dog’s and in Lisa’s hands.

Later...

I may be adamantly against a child, but I’m still a curious person. So I looked up meningitis on the web and couldn’t find anything linking that and infertility. Tom says this wouldn’t surprise him cuz this happened before his testicles were even fully formed. My gut feeling also says he’s fine. It’s either a 50/50 case that there’s nothing wrong with either of us or that there’s something wrong with me that no one discovered. Well, we’ll never know which was the case. Having the HSG done, however excruciating it was, helped dull 90% of my curiosity, so that’s good.

I discovered another song on Linda’s latest album called When We Ran that I like, but only the chorus. Its verses are boring and too long. The song’s called When We Ran, even though the album’s called We Ran.

Is AOL going back to their old shit? After five attempts to get online, I said fuck it.