Tom doesn’t believe God is vengeful or loving. He thinks of God as a creator, not as something that controls our lives one way or another. He believes in meant to be and not meant to be, but just because. Not for a reason. I disagree, though, I think God does control our lives and that things that are meant to be or not meant to be are so for a reason. If he’s right, though, this world sure is full of an awful lot of delusional people. If you think about it, though, everyone wants to believe in Santa Claus and the tooth fairy, so why not add in God, huh?

The reason I don’t think things happen just because is that it’s too ironic how certain things in my life have been timed. As if something up there was always looking out for me survival-wise, despite the pain and punishment it’s inflicted upon me. Isn’t it pretty ironic, for example, how I wasn’t cut from disability till after we met? How that impacted tooth didn’t show up till after we met? How my ear didn’t really start to get to me till after we met? This is how I know Tom’s wrong when he says that I haven’t conceived just because I haven’t conceived. The reason I haven’t conceived, thank God, is cuz something up there knows I could never handle that level of pain and a life with a kid. The only thing about that that doesn’t make sense is the fact that I still have my parts. Then again, I’m sure that just because a woman can’t have kids, doesn’t mean she has to lose her parts cuz of it. It’s just that usually, when a woman can’t have kids, it’s because she’s had some female problems or has had to have something taken out. You don’t have too many cases like Linda’s where she couldn’t conceive for no apparent reason, and I still don’t think it’s got anything to do with his cumming once in a lifetime or that there’s something wrong with him. Whatever’s wrong or not wrong, good or bad, wanted or not, things do happen for a reason. God, or whatever the hell it is, has our lives written out for us day to day from birth to death before we’re even born.

I still haven’t heard from Andy. Wouldn’t it be funny if he was the one to dump me after all? Sometimes, if a person thinks you’re gonna dump them, they feel it best to beat you to it and just get it over with themselves and so they end up dumping someone before they get dumped. People would rather be the dumper than the dumpee, but I hope he’ll see it more in terms of me walking away and letting him be him, rather than me dumping him. I suppose that’d be hard for him, though. Anyway, I made my call to him last Monday and let him know we could talk, and it’s up to him from here on out to either call or not call. If he’s dumped me, so be it. I want him to be himself and to be happy, so I’ll let him go if that’s what he wants, as I intended to anyway.

Tom said that while I was asleep he only saw the van once. He said it came in for a few minutes, then went back out. There was evidence of someone being at the house yesterday when he was up on the roof, though, cuz clothes were hanging out on their line. He also said that he could hear soft music when he was coming back from the store, but that once he got inside the house, he couldn’t hear it. Lastly, a car he couldn’t see, cuz it was dark at the time, came and honked 6-7 times, then left.

Went online and got a list of V. C. Andrew’s books, who’s dead from what I read.

Later...

Tom got a manual can opener that’s supposed to be better and longer-lasting. It leaves smooth edges on cut covers so you don’t get hurt, but I don’t really like it. When we move I want to get a new electric one cuz ours is dulling down and getting old. It’s just over two years old. Art and Dureen got it for us when they were here in May of ‘97.