I woke up depressed for reasons I couldn’t explain. Tom suggested that maybe it was cuz the house was going to be up for sale in just a few days, and I was like, how the fuck could that depress me?! I’m thrilled! He said it’s normal for people to feel let down after anticipating something for a long time when it’s finally about to happen and when the point of no return arrives. Believe me, I don’t want to return!

Then he said he thought it was a lack of sex. Maybe, I said, but if having sex means hurting, I don’t want to have sex. I asked, and he said he wasn’t depressed about it, and said he could adapt to whatever would make me happy. As I told him, this man’s so tolerable! So patient! So easy to please! So, I made him compromise with me by promising to be consistent about it and not spend too much time on the side, he agreed, and we screwed. To my utter amazement, there wasn’t a stitch of pain! I thought it was gonna be excruciating and that I’d have to stop him long before he could go up top, but nope. So now I know that the irritation I had wasn’t due to the length of time in between screwing, and now I know I can go a week, 2 weeks, 3 weeks, however long we want to in between sex.

I told him that it was up to him whether or not he cums. Whether or not it’s out of his hands, or a conscious decision, I’m happy as long as he’s happy with whatever it is he does. I also told him that just because I didn’t want a kid, I’d do what I could if he decided he wanted a kid, as long as he understood that that’d mean making some sacrifices. As he himself said, sometimes you gotta put up with a lot of crap and do things you don’t want to do to get something you want. Well, if he decided he wanted a kid, he’d have to temporarily change his sexual habits, and sacrifice not cumming and being himself and all that if a kid were important enough to him and if he ever wanted it bad enough. I don’t see this as something we’ll ever consciously want, but here’s something just as weird as waking up depressed; the thought of conceiving doesn’t scare me. He didn’t think this was odd, but I do. I mean, it should scare me. Not only does the thought of conceiving not scare me, but the thought of actually finding out I was pregnant doesn’t scare me, either. Again, it should. Anything that can bring so much pain, lack of sleep, lack of life, and cost so much money, should scare the living shit out of me. Out of anyone! Maybe it doesn’t cuz I know it can’t happen. Maybe cuz I know God would never give me more than I could handle? Whatever. I’m just glad it doesn’t scare me cuz that’s one less thing to have to worry about and deal with. No two. Now I don’t have to worry about when we screw, either! It takes a load off me.

I just wish women didn’t dry up so much with age! The KY’s a little too sticky, but I can’t think of anything else as effective. I asked Tom if he wanted to discuss stimulants with a doctor when we move, but he said we should wait and see what happens first (I didn’t tell him nothing would change. I’ll let him see that for himself), not that I can imagine him discussing it with a doctor. Aren’t guys supposed to be shy about discussing sex with doctors? Well, either way, I don’t think we’ll need it. He hasn’t complained about not being stimulated enough and he hasn’t brought up wanting/needing any additions to the sex, and as long as I’m not in pain and we’re both happy, everything will be OK. A little dryness on my part won’t kill us, and even a little drop of KY is all it takes to ensure I don’t get overly dry and irritated. The Vagisil also cures any irritation I may get in 1-3 doses. The stuff’s a total lifesaver! He says that the exercise machine should help with the sex too, but that’ll depend on how often we use it. It’s strictly up to him, of course, but I can’t picture him using the thing regularly. Me? Well, I’m gonna try to be as consistent as I can, but it’s gonna be hard. I mean, think about it. How many people look forward to working out and how many see it as a chore?

The only thing he’s done that I disagree with is tell me that the reason he cums so rarely is cuz I mention it when I mention sex. First of all, the two do sometimes go hand in hand. Secondly, it’s wrong for him to say that that’s why. That’d be like him saying, “If you don’t talk about how tall I am, it’ll change my height.” He is how he is, be it consciously or not. No matter what people say, it’s in our nature to be however we’re gonna be. He’s just the way he is. Period. I’m just the way I am, too. It’s not in my nature these days to cum as much as I used to, but that’s just me. It’s got nothing to do with anything he says or does. The only way he could be the way he is cuz of me would be if he thought I could get pregnant and he too, thought I couldn’t handle it. If this is the case, that’s his problem for not saying so, but let’s just sum it up like this - he cannot cum for a reason, he cannot cum for no reason. As long as he’s happy - great. If not, I’ll do whatever I can to support/help him make whatever changes he wants, and I assume his attitude’s the same; that he wants me to be happy and would also support/help me make any changes I wanted to make. Right now, though, I see no changes necessary. We can screw however often or however little we want and we can cum as little as or as often as we want. Once every 1-3 months or so, I will definitely want to get off by him and I will want variety, so I’ll have him go down on me. I told him this earlier, and he agreed. He also agreed we wouldn’t try to get me pregnant or try to avoid it when we move. This is subject to change, I understand, and I can be flexible. Like I said, if he decided to try to help me conceive (regardless of if I don’t think that can happen), fine. Just like I’m sure he’d be willing to try to make all the surer I didn’t conceive if I wanted to do the rhythm method or have him never cum at all. Like I said, though, I trust destiny to take care of itself. To each their own, but I don’t think we have to influence or help what’s fated to be.

So, what do I see up ahead as far as sex goes? Whatever happens, happens, but I’d have to guess, going by logic and our natures, that I can expect to see more on-top action and less side action, us rarely cumming, and more of a variety of times between sex. At least we don’t have to be consistent about it, but he does have to watch how much time he spends on the side. If he spends too much side time I get pressure pains.