Tom just went to bed. For the rest of the night, I’ll be reading, listening to music, maybe singing softly, and watching the women’s gymnastics that I’m taping. Although tonight’s games run for 5 hours, you barely get an hour of gymnastics. That’s because they have other events too, along with commercials and interviews with the Olympians.

I’m a bit stressed and depressed right now, but what else is new, huh? If it ain’t one thing, it’s another. I still can’t believe I was ever thrown in jail and forced to go to court for this shit with the blacks, regardless of whether or not she and her cronies did shit to us to deserve it. I mean, it just seems so petty! What a waste of time and money going after me for this. Never once in my mail to her, or to the Mexicans for that matter, did I ever directly threaten them. So she got some mail she didn’t like – big deal! We all get mail/letters we don’t like; should we all go running to the cops about them? This world is so damn sensitive and spiteful! All she had to do was not read it, throw it out, and forget it. Same goes for Bill and Tammy. No one made them read my mail and listen to my calls. If they didn’t want to hear from me, all they had to do was erase my messages without listening to them, and if they didn’t like what I had to say in my letters, they shouldn’t have read them. They should’ve and could’ve just ditched them and moved on.

Although I don’t vibe it as strongly as I did for a while, I still fear going to jail. Not just because of God’s “lock-up” pattern, but cuz the state wouldn’t mind spending the money. They waste money all the time.

If these assholes had been white, would the law have come down on me like it did? Somehow, I doubt it. Like I said, times have changed. You could kill an off-brand in the past and get away with it, no questions asked, but today, if you so much as dare to even look at one wrong, you’ll get lynched for it. Just like all the rights used to go to the whites in the past, all the rights now go to the minorities. Everyone’s quick to believe the word of minorities before the word of whites.

Tom said that he hopes Helen can brighten my outlook on my future. That’s a laugh. If she could do that, then we could’ve done that ourselves by now, but why bother? My future’s my future no matter how I look at it. It’s etched in stone, a done deal, destined to be what it’ll be. I realize more than ever that I’m never going to be fully happy and content with life. The next 35 years will be 85% bad, just like the last 35 years (almost) have been 85% bad. I’m not going to repeat past mistakes again by tricking myself into believing I have a destiny other than the one that’s meant to play out. No, I can’t have a career or a family should I decide I want one, and that’s that. There’s no sense in getting me to think I could have/do things I wanted to, just to be let down and disappointed by reality in the end. This is my destiny. I’m living it right now. I’m going to court for the people who victimized me, I’m cleaning the house, doing my usual hobbies, etc. That’s my life. Period.

At least my life is much better than it used to be and I don’t have as many problems/worries as I used to. I may not be able to pick and choose a career or have a kid, but at least I’ve got my freedom (I hope) that I’ll always be able to keep and hang onto because of not having a kid. At least I’ve got Tom. That’s the most important thing right there, even if we don’t turn each other on (sex really is such a small, insignificant part of a relationship) I don’t have to deal with things alone in an apartment in the city, and I do have some things to look forward to, too. It’ll take time, but I know I’ll get more dolls someday, go to Vegas, play miniature golf, etc. There’s still some life left out there to be lived by me.

I had a hard time getting up when the alarm went off at 9:00 today, cuz I had trouble falling asleep last night, so I decided – fuck it, I’m doing a rollover. I need a break from this little blackie and to take back my life and to have a little teeny bit of control over it, if only for a little while.

I hope to hell I get a chance to express myself in court. After these freeloaders lie about me, I want to be able to tell the truth about them and let the courts know, even though it won’t do me any good, that these people are perpetrators too, and that I’m a victim as well, and let them know why. I feel that keeping quiet about them would not only make me feel like I lacked self-respect, but it’d make me feel like I was covering for these people, and I sure as hell don’t want to protect these assholes from the truth, even if I don’t have the evidence to do them in for their wrongdoings. They’ll never do a day’s time for what they did to me and they’ll never pay a dime for it either, but by God, I’ve got a right to tell my story too, and to let the judge know just what we’re dealing with here!

In my next letter to Paula, which I hope won’t be handwritten, I expressed my concerns to her about the bad vibes I’ve had pertaining to Justin. I didn’t tell her that part of it was logic, having nothing to do with being psychic, cuz of the kind of mother she is. I knew all along this was coming, but it’s getting closer – him being in trouble with the law. We’re talking big stuff, too. I have drug/robbery vibes, but not like I do with assault, rape, and possibly even murder. I didn’t want to scare her, but I felt it my duty as her friend to warn her.