Helen was 10 minutes late this time, instead of 20, and I did not enjoy the wait in the waiting room. No, there weren’t any loud and destructive kids, but there was this spider walking along the ceiling that was creeping me out. It was getting closer and closer and just when I thought it was going to center itself over my head and string down on its web right onto my head, Helen rescued me.

We had gone to Circle K before Helen’s where I grabbed some coffee, but I finished it before she called me into her office. Found those flavored lip balms I love, though. I have strawberry, raspberry, and watermelon.

This time Helen gave more input. While I discussed my never-ending freeloader frustrations, I mostly discussed Tom’s lack of cumming, and here’s where she surprised me. She believes him. She actually believes he’s telling the truth to the best of his ability, but no, we don’t know for sure what’s in his subconscious. She also surprised me by letting me know that she has heard of guys who could get hard, but not cum!

I don’t know. I want to believe him, but then how do you explain a lot of the things he’s said and done? His actions don’t support his being truthful, but maybe he is. Just maybe he is.

When I told Helen I was OK with not having a kid, but not OK with having my choice taken away from me as to whether or not to have a kid, she said that maybe God didn’t take it away. Maybe it just hasn’t been time yet. Well, there are a lot of things in this world I don’t know, but if there’s one thing I most certainly do know, it’s that there is no such thing as the right time to have a kid in my life. If the right time hasn’t come yet, it never will. Also, yes God did take away my choice.

Helen also believes things happen for a reason and says that if I get pregnant, it’s for a reason. Yeah, and if I don’t it’s for a reason, too. The only two reasons for it that I can see are to punish me and because I couldn’t handle it. That much is obvious and that much I do know. What better way to punish a female you hate than to take away her choices as to what she can do with her own body and life? Also, as the weekend proved, I may be able to sleep with Tom and sleep fairly well enough every once in a while, but I couldn’t do it regularly. I just can’t function after losing just a couple of nights’ sleep, so this only reinforces my belief that God stole my choice knowing I couldn’t handle it. How could I? If I can’t lose more than a few nights’ sleep, how would I handle losing a few months’ sleep? God and I both also know I couldn’t handle carrying and having a child either but knowing this, he should’ve and could’ve at least made sure that I never wanted one. But because he did let me want something he knew damn well I couldn’t have; this is where the obvious punishment aspect of it comes in.

When I told Helen that most of the blacks I’ve known proved to be assholes and wondered if just maybe there was something about having darker skin that tends to make people more prone to acting out, just like most redheads have freckles, she said her experience with blacks has been different than mine.

It figures. Why do I have to be the one to have all the negative experiences?

Anyway, Helen was reading me a little poem all about attitude and its influence on the outcome of things, but I’m sorry, I just don’t agree. I just don’t see the connection, and I know I’ve written about this before, too. There have been lots of times that I went into something with a positive attitude only to get negative results, and vice versa.

Helen also insisted that I do everything I can to try not to worry about my upcoming court date till I see her again on the 28th of this month. Much easier said than done, I told her, and she said she understood it’d be hard. Still, if I can do it for 5 minutes, that’s 5 fewer minutes I have to worry about it.

She seemed pretty confident that they wouldn’t put me in jail but warned me of fines. Yeah, that’s exactly what I’m afraid of. Anything’s better than jail, but none of this should’ve happened in the first place! None of it!!! Not the January trip to Phoenix, not the July trip to Florence, not the court dates, not the time and money spent – none of it! These freeloaders should be paying me for all the shit they put me through, and Tom too, since he’s had to deal with its effects on me.

Why do I always lose in the end? Huh?! Everyone else gets away with the shit they do, yet I always go down for it. I never ever win!

Helen, who says she also respects and understands that I don’t want to be there (in her office), suggested I not worry about them, because they’ve completely forgotten me and aren’t thinking or worrying about me for a millisecond. I thought about this and realized just how right she is – they’re not thinking or worrying about me. How blessed they are, huh? In fact, a lot of those times I thought they did things with me in mind; they probably didn’t. Meaning yes, after a few complaints they did do things deliberately to provoke me throughout the years we lived together, but a lot of it was without thought cuz they simply don’t care. They just don’t care. They came into that neighborhood without a care in the world, as if they owned it, never thinking of me or anyone else around them. In fact, half of the time, if someone had reminded them that there were other houses on the street, they would’ve been like, “Really? Oh yeah, that’s right. There are. We’re not the only ones in this world,” as if they’d totally forgotten.

Anyway, that’s all I can really think of as far as my visit to Helen goes. As always, if I remember anything else along the way, I’ll add it in.

After seeing Helen, we went to Lowe’s to pick up the mural and a few other odds and ends. I also got a faceplate for the den with vines of green leaves, and 5 rolls of different colored neon twine. I made Mom a bookmark that was supposed to be a bracelet, only I misjudged how much material I’d need. I’ve never made those kinds of bracelets with twine before.

We put up the mural on Saturday, but it didn’t go well. It tore in a few places, acquired gaps between one of the 4 panels as it dried and shrunk, wasn’t lined up very well in some areas, and had bubbles. Amazingly, most of the bubbles had smoothed out by the next day. Nonetheless, it’s beautiful and I love it. We’re going to buy some trim to cover up the edges, as well as crisscross the center of it, and make it look like it’s a big window. This will hide tears, gaps, and areas that are misaligned.

Later...

When Tom came home he brought me a notice to appear for jury duty. Aaarrrggghhh!!! Cops, courts, blacks, Mexicans, probation, jail, lawyers, juries – when’s it ever end?! Anyway, it was for Maricopa County residents only, so I checked the box stating that I no longer reside in that county (this is Pinal County).

I made Tom some chili mac and he’ll be making me the rest of the bacon we got, so I won’t have to get splattered with grease.

I saw a really neat show talking about Charlie’s Angels, my all-time favorite show from the 70s, and interviews with the angels later in life. I didn’t know Kate Jackson, my favorite angel who now looks like shit, had heart surgery and breast cancer. I wish I had my old picture collection. All of them, including Linda and Gloria’s pictures. As you know, they weren’t just pictures to me. They were like individual people, like friends. Anyway, even now the younger Kate is quite appealing to me. Not like Gloria was and like some imaginary characters I made up in my head, but I still think of her from time to time and her pictures too, wondering what it’d be like to reunite with these long-lost pictures.

Anyway, it was great having Mom here. What a difference from when Dureen would visit! I could be myself and enjoy a relaxing, fun atmosphere. Not one filled with tensions and fronts. And you don’t have to constantly entertain her, either. She was content to spend most of the time watching TV and reading one of the books we had. She read half of it and plans to finish it the next time she visits.

She was more with it than I thought she’d be, and pretty independent, too. She only needed help unhooking her bra, getting the water turned on in the shower, going up and down the stairs, and of course, with food, medications, and blood testing. Tom and I tested our own blood too, which is this thing that pricks your finger and is painless. After it pricks you, you squeeze some blood out onto a strip and it reads your sugar level. Ours was normal.

Tom put up a little rail on the side of the bed, but what we really should’ve gotten was a couple of night lights. One for the guest room and one for the bath. We’ll get them as soon as we can. Meanwhile, we left the bathroom light on so she could see well enough. As far as I know, though, she slept well and didn’t need to get up to use the bathroom in the middle of the night.

She has a fork and spoon that are bent at a 90-degree angle, making it easier for her to bring them to her mouth. It wasn’t Tom I had to worry about making gross noises at dinnertime, it was Mom! She was pretty disgusting. She ate like a little animal.

Because of her shaking, she has plastic cups with lids that she uses so she doesn’t slosh her drinks all over. She has two cups for water, juice, soda, and a different one for coffee.

The first night she was here, I cooked the three of us pork chops, then Hamburger Helper the second night.

I showed her various things and she watched me work out while Tom went to Circle K. I enjoyed having her company and having her to chat with while I worked out. It made it go faster and seem less boring, although Bowflex isn’t nearly as boring as floor work, but I totally lost my concentration on counting my reps!

Houdini didn’t seem to mind having her around. It didn’t stop him from coming out like I thought it would. I guess he’s decided to go back to being a night rat, although he still prefers to come out when Tom’s not around.

Later...

Tom finally got around to getting rid of some stuff, since we’ll be needing the money for the freeloaders. He cut out all the premium channels on the TV, cut out Cybertrails, and some stuff on the cell phone.

Tom set up mailboxes so that we can send each other messages. I like having this. It’s fun. I like sending him journal excerpts periodically like I used to via AOL.

I miss the Internet, but not all the problems that come with it. Someday, though, we’ll have faster, better connections. If we can come up with $150 extra bucks, Tom can get the stuff needed to steal free service over the satellite. Pictures that take forever to download by way of the phone will then download instantaneously.

This weekend we’re gonna put a door sweep on the bottom of the bedroom door to block more light, but mostly to keep Houdini out of that area when I don’t feel like chasing him around. I don’t know if it’ll work, though. The bottom of it is flimsy and he may be able to push his way through it and still get under the door.

We’re also gonna put foam weather stripping like we had in Phoenix around the doorjambs. Something we shouldn’t have to do in a brand-new house. But we have to, thanks to the stupid Mexicans who built this house so half-assed. They put the fucking back door on cockeyed, didn’t seal any of them up completely, and God only knows how many little openings there are around the windows that aren’t visible to the naked eye. Even though we just bombed, and even though they can’t live long cuz of it, those little black bugs are raiding this place at night. At night I keep the windows shut cuz they can get through the screen, and they most certainly can get through the door gaps.

Tom surprised me by informing me of the ‘for sale’ sign up at Dan’s place. He never gave any indications of wanting to move when we talked to him, so maybe something happened to him. Maybe that’s why the neighbors seem to be taking care of the place. Either that or he just got so lonely here that he just doesn’t want to come back. His behavior sure cried out for the city and said he was extremely lonely out here. Especially if he’s as gay as I think he is. This is no place for any unattached gay person. Gay people need to be near places where they can meet each other, cuz they usually can’t meet people just anywhere.