It just dawned on me that I may never have described how much nicer Florence was than Estrella, not that I’d ever care to return to any jail. You get a blanket at intake unlike at Estrella, and the cells are way nicer. The windows are bigger and lower, and each pod has two DOs in it, and you’d flip a switch inside your cell when you wanted out. I’m talking about the open pod I was taken to after I left the holding tank.

Last night I was full of Scot anxieties. He was really eating at my nerves.

Relax, I tried telling myself over and over. If he does anything to fuck with you, your life isn’t the only one that’d be miserable. He would only have to pay the consequences for harassing you, if he started to do so, so just don’t let him, or any other “authority figure,” intimidate you. If he thinks he can intimidate you, he’ll take advantage of you like a vicious dog that preys on fear.

Yes, Scot, you’d only be sinking your own self to get at me, if you should ever get any stupid ideas.

I just feel so open, vulnerable and exposed to pigs and freeloaders being on land and in this state, but on a boat, no freeloaders, pigs or nosy passersby could just drive up. It takes nothing. Nothing at all. I mean, all Scot or some pig would have to do is simply decide they don’t like me for whatever reason, and they could come and get me anytime for anything, no matter how innocent I was. I know the corruption ring is a 24-hour operation, but it seems the only time I feel at ease is at night or on weekends. I guess all I can do is try to put Scot, the pigs and freeloaders out of my mind as much as possible, wait it out and hope for the best. It’s just that I’ve got years to wait this bullshit out, and then who knows what else may happen after that? I’d like to think that they won’t bring any more bogus charges against me right at the end, shoot at the house or torch it, but you just never know. These are very sick people and they know right where we are. This shit ends on 10/2003, so maybe by ‘05, if I can get that far without them popping up into my life for the millionth time, only then might I begin to breathe easier and believe I finally managed to lose them from my life for good, but we’ll see.

As for Scot, it isn’t just about power and control, it’s about money. The client/PO thing is a business just like any other. And just like a hairdresser doesn’t want to lose clients, neither do POs. The more clients, the more money and the merrier the state is, and Scot’s nothing more than one of their little drones. So for a “bonus,” he could be tempted to do all he can to extend a person’s probation. He may not be a Misery, but he’s no cool dude, either. So far, he’s kind of in the middle. Better to be in the middle than at the worst end of the stick, but after all I’ve been through, I can’t and won’t trust anyone, even though I think he’ll be okay.

Now I know why they ask you before sentencing if you intend to fight the outcome. Because I was told I’d get a year of probation, I had no reason to answer yes to that question. As soon as you say no, they know they can go harder on you and not have to deal with a fight. So, saying no is like saying you’ll take their shit, no matter how unfair/ridiculous it is.

If only I’d said yes and gone to trial!

At least I met my Teddy Bear. Thank God for that much. At least some blessing came from this curse. This freeloader curse I can’t seem to escape!

I had a scary moment this afternoon. I was standing in my office, chatting with Tom, when I felt something crawling on the back of my leg near my ankle. All in the space of a second, I looked back, saw it was a bee, and swatted it off of me without getting stung. It hit the floor in a daze and I sprayed it with Raid.

I got a new MP3 player and it’s so cool. A little small, but what’s cool about it is that you can download different “skins” for it, which are pictures, colors or designs. It’s a lot like browsing for wallpaper. I have a lot of the same things I have as wallpaper - flowers, animals, scenery.