I’m going to express myself freely in this journal entry but limit what parts of it I share with others. I just don’t want to offend anyone or be misunderstood. This entry is NOT aimed at anyone in particular, but just those I’ve dealt with in general. I know some people think I’m “not accepting” their opinion, but that’s not the issue. I can promise you that much. It’s when I feel like one is trying to control and change me and when they can’t just love/like and accept me as I am that I have a problem. Lecturing someone about the dangers of smoking I can see. But harmless, mundane shit that makes them happy? 

I honestly don’t get how the hell Alison would want to be friends with Kim and Molly, for example, and even she told me earlier tonight that she understands that her thought process is rather complicated and she can totally see why I don’t get why she’d want to associate with delusional liars that have caused her and others so much grief. BUT… that is HER right. I’m not going to try to talk her out of or harp on it for hours and make her feel like I’m trying to push her into dumping them or like she’s wrong to be the way she is. What works for some doesn’t work for everyone. Furthermore, it’s not important. Her health and happiness are what’s important. She said she sometimes feels the need to have crazy, selfish, weird, demanding friends same as normal ones, and hey, that’s her right. 

There are a lot of things I don’t understand. I can’t imagine having 4 kids for the life of me. I can’t imagine being a poor oppressed woman with little to no rights in the Middle East forced to marry a stranger and be nothing but a sex toy. 

Why do people like porn? Why do people think God is good? Why do people support groups of people that are a menace to society? I could go on and on with all I don’t get, and while I’m not afraid to express my opinion I’m not about to try to push my ways on anyone either and rub shit in their faces I know they’re either not interested in or don’t want to hear. As long as people are happy and no one’s getting hurt in the process I try to live and let live. Now if you find it fun as hell to let your dog bark at my expense or to let your kids tear up our place, then I don’t care how happy you may be. I’m drawing the line at that point. 

I realize I just can’t be a universal people-pleaser. For a while, I tried to be what others wanted me to be because I hate to see people sad or uncomfortable in any way. I want those I care about to be happy, and when you’re raised with the kind of control freak I was raised by who was obsessed as hell with “normal,” you become overly eager to please. Through time I learned to live my life for me and then for both Tom and I. Is that selfish? Maybe so. Is that wrong? Probably. But if it feels right to us and it works for us and it makes us happy, we see no need to change things, but that does NOT mean we’re not open to possible change either. LOL, I swear we aren’t. We don’t “refuse” to make friends, but we’re not going out of our way to either. 

The next Thursday I’m available at 9:30 I’m going to take a walk down to the clubhouse to check out the painting class they have. If I make friends, fine. If I don’t, that’s fine too. I don’t have any set rules on that. The only “rules” I have is that I won’t keep those in my life that I feel are bringing me down in any way, and if that’s wrong too, so be it. I’m not going to feel guilty for purging my life of toxic people like Kim and Molly or apologize for it. 

Ok, onto Alison and why I’ve chosen to set my journals private for a while. It’s not forever or anything like that, but just for a while. Then when I feel comfortable enough going public again, I’m going to stick to more generic things and keep personal things more to myself. I understand that what one accepts, someone else is going to have a problem with whether it’s something big or trivial as hell, though I’m sure people will always find something I write to complain about from the food I eat to the color of my walls. People like to criticize those they don’t get or who aren’t like them. I know this. 

Another reason for going private for a while is because, well, I get tired of all the damn censoring. Did I remember to take out this one’s last name, did I remember to omit that one’s address? I want to write for me. Again, am I being selfish? Maybe so. But this is the way I want it for a while. I can’t offend people if I keep my big mouth shut, and people can’t use against me what info I don’t give them. 

Alison emailed me and apologized for the things she did, admitted she’s not perfect and understands why I’m pissed at her, but to please keep her out of my blogs. I realize that my bitching about her in public like I did was indeed wrong. I shouldn’t have even gone to Andy with it, though she doesn’t know that. It wasn’t anyone’s business. It was between us and I should’ve kept it that way. 

I’ve been offending people like crazy with big things and small things, important things, and non-important things. I don’t want to hurt or upset people anymore. At least not for a while. I want to write for me and not for the world. This way I can be as open and as honest as I can without having to restrict myself and watch what I say. A part of me almost misses the days before online blogging existed. I’m still going to keep the blogs going, regardless of whether they’re public or private because I enjoy all the different site features that I use (until they change) and I’m not gonna be private forever. 

I’m sorry I haven’t been a better friend to some people and that I can’t always be what they’d like me to be or think I should be, but I do try my best. Right now I want to be selfish with both my writing and my life so I have the writing freedom I miss, then I’ll share, and not so much as to conform to what others want, but to be a little more, IDK, normal? 

Andy had me laughing my ass off when I described playing with Sugar and how he’d jump all over me and lavish me with kisses, saying that’d be traumatic to others. LOL, yeah, their worst nightmare come to life straight out of a horror movie. 

Later… 

I think a good time to go public again is when I finally get all the editing and copying done of old journals. I’m editing on MD and LJ, then copying to Blogger and PB. 

Tom asked what I want to do on my birthday and I reminded him that he’s going to be working all day and I’m going to be sleeping all day. Most of it anyway. But he’s going to bring home a shitload of KFC for me, which will make me plenty happy enough. :) 

We ordered about $250 worth of stuff on Amazon – a new phone for him, a set of 3 tropical trees for me, a squirrel with a nut in its mouth for my little animal collection, some pink floral contact paper for the boring orangy brown floral contact paper that’s in here, plus a few other things. 

Each tree is one big branch with triple heads and two will go in the bedroom while one goes in the living room just as soon as I get pots for them. 

All’s been quiet on Ask #1. Maybe Alison being friends with Kim and Molly is doing me a favor of sorts. Maybe it’s keeping them off my ass cuz they feel the need to behave and not stir me up so I don’t go whining to Aly about it and risking their friendship. 

Anyway, she adamantly denies being behind the Karli account or copying Adonis’s writing style or pointing a finger at me, but does admit to leaving some comments in defense of Molly, despite agreeing that she deserves some of what she gets. Do I believe her? I’m not sure. 

She insists she has had cancer and really does work for the FBI and wouldn’t use her hacking skills for her personal life. Do I believe her? Yes, I do. 

Aly may have some strange ways and may not always be as honest as she should be, but she could never be as remotely fucked in the head as Kim and Molly. Never. Alison’s just one of those that’s hard to stay mad at for long. We’ve shared a lot since we met in 2008. 

She said something about a whole shitload of stuff going on I don’t know about that has to do with money. She said not even her parents know the whole story and that her job is on the line. She said she’s afraid everyone would blame her and that she’ll look bad if the info gets into the wrong hands, which could make things harder for her. It’s in the Department of Labor now, whatever it is. Not sure what this has to do with anything, but hopefully it will all work out.