Logged into Tom’s Facebook account to compare his homepage with mine. He has no ads or suggested page likes. On my homepage, the second post down is always a suggested like. Then every few posts from there on down are “likes” or offers. So that reinforces my corrupt apt theory. I have billions of them, though, so I can’t even begin to guess which one it is that’s littered my feed with all this crap. Oh well. People can PM or tag me if they have something they really want me to see. 

Finally got hit full force with a real period after two days of spotting. I’m flowing and cramping heavily, but hopefully it will have backed off before I go to the clubhouse to check out what their painting class entails. 

I want to clarify something and that’s that I’m not having problems with a lot of people or anything like that back when I said the stress of the holiday season seemed to be bringing out the worst in some people. It’s nothing that’s being aimed at me directly and I’m sorry if I gave that impression. It’s just people I see bickering at each other on various sites that seems more frequent than usual that I was referring to. Meanwhile, no one’s mad at me at the moment and I’m not mad at anyone either. I will admit, though, that I was mad at Andy at first when he brought up how sad he was over my lack of in-person friends. For years my attitude has been “It’s my life, I’ll live it as I see fit, and fuck what others think or want.” But I have come to realize how selfish this attitude of mine truly is. But yes, I was pissed at first. I didn’t get why it was so important to him and why he should care as long as it made me happy, and was like, “Who the hell is he kidding bringing up my lack of trust in people? He’s got such trust issues that he won’t even get a BF.” 

But I realize he is happy being alone and that it’s not about his lack of trust or anything like that. I just never thought to push him to get a BF cuz I not only didn’t feel it was my place to do so, but I just didn’t care how he chose to live his life. Him having a BF (or not having one) doesn’t affect me directly either way. 

And my own lack of friends has nothing to do with lack of trust so much as it does lack of time and desire. Yes, more friends means potential for more problems, but it was just me being the loner I always preferred to be. I realize, though, like I said, that this selfishness has got to stop. I can still live like a hermit but make some friends, can’t I? And I can at least learn a little Japanese, can’t I? (I have another friend who’s been harping on me to learn it). 

If Andy were here right now and I cooked him a meal and he asked for more salt or margarine, I’d be quick to jump up and get it for him. Why? Because I want him happy and it’s not too much to ask for, that’s why. I have always been, in many ways, like a puppy eager to please. I hate knowing anyone is sad or depressed for me for ANY reason and that is why I hesitate to share anything sad or negative; because I don’t want to bring them down. As long as it’s something within my means, I love to make those I care about happy. I can be more of what others want me to be without losing my identity. 

I finally shook myself by the shoulders, so to speak, and said to myself, “These people aren’t asking for much, Jodi.” Not that anyone’s demanded or asked me to make certain changes/additions, but I know it would mean a lot to them if I did. They’re reasonable things – they’re not asking me to stand on my head all day, hold my breath for 3 hours, or harm my husband in any way – so what’s the big deal? Why can’t I meet some people halfway? Especially if it’ll bring a little more peace and happiness their way? I don’t have to learn every single Japanese word and I don’t have to make friends with every single person in California. But I can be the changes they’d like to see while STILL being myself. As long as no one asks me to go to church, take up baseball, or win a million bucks, I can make little changes here and there and be a little less me and a little more them. 

It may be a piss poor excuse, but I think part of what made me so damn selfish for a while there is because I had so little freedom for so long in some cases. Turn 18 and get the reigns of your life back from a bitch like my mother was, and yes, the idea of living for yourself and yourself only does tend to go to one’s head. I just got carried away with it and took the “I’m gonna be myself” thing a little too far. But I can still be true to myself without being phony or anything like that. No, I’m not going to be friends with just anyone. I can’t see myself pretending to like someone if my heart just isn’t in it. That wouldn’t be fair to them or to myself, but not all people are bad. 

I want to do more for others for once and not just for Tom and I. I need to change. I know that. Friendships take time to find and build, though. You can’t always “plan” or make that happen any more than you can love. It has to happen naturally and develop on its own. Almost everything good in my life wasn’t planned or even expected. But this morning should be a good start. 

I also feel like I’m neglecting some of my online friends and like I haven’t been there for them as much as I should be. I don’t want them to think I’m getting sick of them or that I stopped caring, but I still want to do more things offline, too. Since I can’t be both on and offline at the same time, I’ll work hard and not only be a better, less selfish friend but to balance my time better in both the cyber and real world. 

Later… 

Some may say that making little changes here and there for the sake of making others happy (or at least less sad) is foolish since there’s always going to be someone who has a problem with every little (and big) thing about me. I understand this, but I’m not looking to please everyone in the world either. I know that’s ridiculous. I don’t care what some stranger on the other side of the world may want for me; I’m talking about those I’m closest to. As long as the requests, wishes, desires, or whatever you want to call them are reasonable and I don’t feel like I’m being tugged in a million directions at once or like I’m some piece of human clay anyone wants to shape and mold, it’ll be ok. 

The point is that I’ve been too stubborn in a lot of ways and I want to improve on this. Another thing I want to work on is to quit defending and explaining myself so much and just let others assume, guess or believe whatever they want even if it’s false or just not quite correct. 

I would, for example, be quick to point out that the reason I learned Spanish is that I always thought it a beautiful language if someone insisted I did it because I want to travel or live there, but is that really necessary? I used to correct people so that they would better know and understand me, but so fucking what if they don’t have me 100% correct, right? Does everyone need to know and understand every single little thing about me? Are anyone’s thoughts, assumptions, opinions or beliefs really going to hurt me? Besides, I know what’s true and what’s not, so shouldn’t that be all that matters? I think it’d keep the peace better if I just went along with whatever and let them think whatever they think. Some people have mistaken my pointing out the truth as being argumentative and I’d hate for people to think that in my correcting them my real intention is to pick a fight when it’s not that at all. I don’t mind answering them if I’m asked a question, but what they do with the answer should be up to them. Not me. 

Later… 

Noticed they started telling us the number of followers we have on Ask, but not who they are. I was surprised to learn my secret Ask account has 4 followers. I know one is Andy, but who could the other 3 be. At first I thought of Lady Di, but she’d be following Andy too, yet Andy only has 1 follower on his own secret account, which we know is me. I’d say my 3 mystery followers are just random strangers. As Andy said, if they were the trolls, they’d be following him, too. When we answer the question of the day, people see that. 

My first Ask account has 55 followers. Let me guess, a few trolls, a dozen or so friends… and the rest??? 

Still copying old stuff to Blogger, Tumblr and Prosebox. I’m almost up to 1993. 

Took a walk down to the clubhouse at just after 9am. I stepped into the main room and found it deserted. However, there were rows of about a dozen long tables set up that each seated about a dozen people. The tablecloths alternated in holiday colors from green to red. Next to each plate setting was a small teddy bear. Against a sidewall was another long table bedecked with tons of teddies. 

I then turned and saw the sign announcing a potluck dinner at 11am. Then some guy came in and I asked him about the painting class that was to be at 9:30. He said it was canceled today because the potluck, apparently, is for all the local piggies and firefighters. I guess they give the teddy bears to abused children. Hey, at least they can be doing something good amongst the corruption, right? 

Anyway, the guy said they get their own easels, paints and canvases, and sometimes there’s an instructor there. The classes sometimes just have 1 person, other times 5. 

*sighs* I wish it was swimming season. 

Andy and I were talking about my dad bursting into tears and apologizing for letting his sick wife abuse his kids, but you know what? We both agree that his “I’m sorrys” were a bit late. 

I know it’s only 11am, but it’s been amazingly quiet so far today. I guess it’s cuz of the cold. It’s supposed to be back up in the 60s soon, thank goodness. I’m dreading when the house across the street finally sells cuz having to listen to all the car door slamming will be kind of annoying given where they are. Hopefully, once they get settled in and show the place off to their family and friends, they won’t come and go too often or have much company. Next door comes and goes about twice a day. The yellow house across the street comes and goes maybe 3 times, and the gray house rarely goes anywhere.