Slept from 5am - 1pm. I was surprised to get up at the same time as yesterday, but even though I woke up 3-4 times along the way, I feel well-rested for once. It seems I might’ve dreamt about preparing to go on vacation again. 

I’m down a pound, though I don’t know why. I ate when I was hungry yesterday, and treated myself to a big bowl of ice cream with caramel topping, and didn’t work out. But today I need to hit the treadmill and put more effort into it which means avoiding certain sites so I don’t have to hear all about every single fucking bite of food everyone ate today that will only remind me even more of how hungry I am. Hearing what people are eating every now and then is fine, but I don’t need to know about every single meal and snack you have any more than you need to know all the details of my daily workouts, measurements and weigh-ins. 

Before I drop the subject of food, the chicken casserole I made came out incredibly bland. Fuck cooking. I suck at it and I have no interest in it anyway. I’ll stick to buying prepared foods. It’s more expensive but it’s definitely more convenient, and not all pre-made stuff is bad for you. 

I nearly wanted to scream when I got an email alert saying I’m being referred to an endocrinologist, Dr. D. It’s great to be insured and to take preventative measures to ensure I make it to 60, but remember, I have to pay for this shit. Tom and Jodi don’t get things handed to them for free in life. We don’t pay for lab work, regular check-ups and things like that, but specialists and special procedures like removing my ingrown toenail are things we have to pay for. We pay 20% at the dentist which doesn’t include cleanings and x-rays, $25 copays, and $35 for specialists. I guess we’re going to borrow against our 401K when it comes time to do the carpet and floors so we don’t have to take from the savings, which is dwindling fast. We’re still paying for shit we did in Hawaii, but hey, how often does one get the chance to go down in a submarine? 

Anyway, I was confused at first because the results of my ultrasound showed nothing to worry about at this time, yet I guess this person needs to adjust the medication levels. Why I can’t just go to the lab, beats me, though they may want me to go before the appointment. I’m sure they’ll have to adjust the Simvastatin, too. 

Later… 

Looks like whoever was harassing me at my first my-diary account has found my second one. They used a bogus email address, of course, from Everlistentoyourself@Soundslikeyourparentsknewyoubest.com and then wrote: Jodi gets free stuff always. Tom is the worker bee silly rabbit. 

It’s sad what marriage is all about today. What’s hers is hers and what’s his is his. Why get married if that’s the attitude people have? Really why bother if you’re not going to be a team? Why is it that if you’re BOTH not physically and mentally able to contribute on an equal measure, it’s “unfair?” Now don’t get me wrong. There are a lot of lazy people out there. People who aren’t disabled in any way and who have at least an average intelligence level that are perfectly capable of contributing in more ways than just cooking and housework. But what about people like me and others who are disabled? What, we’re only worthy of being a spouse if we can “pay up?” 

I can also understand that it’s only natural to feel guilty even though you know you shouldn’t and that it’s not your fault. I just expressed to Tom the other day how I felt bad my health issues were costing us so much, and he assured me and reminded me that it’s not my fault. Also, what’s the point of making money (whether it’s one of you or both of you) if you’re not going to use it for things you need? 

I know what he’s saying. Money Tom makes is OUR money just like money I make working online is also OUR money. It’s just natural not to wish you could make even more at times, you know? But I also know I would do the same for Tom if he was the one who was disabled. That’s what true love is all about; being loved and accepted as you are, shortcomings and all. We all have our strengths and weaknesses, and anyone who feels we don’t measure up and aren’t good enough when we’re trying our absolute best can’t possibly love us. It isn’t about who can make the most money; it’s that you have what you need to live on. Period. 

Sometimes I wonder if it’s a random person who followed my other account closely and then happened to find my new one (if they frequently checked the latest entries to come in on the main page) or if it’s someone I’m close to that I have regular contact with. Someone I’d least suspect that has a Jekyll and Hyde personality I’m not aware of and that’s been two-facing me like Kim did. It could be Molly’s mother. She’d defend my parents and use the “silly rabbit” thing. Kathy doesn’t seem the type to use the parents thing, and she’s preoccupied with a baby these days, so I’m going with Mrs. M or the stranger who likes to complain that I complain too much. Hell, maybe it’s Andy. 

The more Tom and I go over the bill at the online health site, the more confused we are. It suggests we owe $25 as well as $650 and even $900. Well, which is it? These people make no sense. And I still don’t get why the sudden endocrinologist referral. She told me she was sending me to an ear specialist. She told me she was sending me for an ultrasound. She told me she wants me to go to the sleep clinic. So then why didn’t she tell me about the endocrinologist???