Unlike last month, I’m having the PMS from hell with water retention and backaches. I find it helps my back a bit if I keep my legs straight and bend over so my fingertips touch the floor. Then I allow a slight bend to my knees, allowing my body to fold a bit more and to place the palms of my hands on the floor. 

Still 25 pounds overweight too, which looks like 50 at this height. At least in my mind, it does. As someone pointed out to me, I realize I, like most of us, am my own worst critic at times. I’m fat but not obese. I’m not pretty but I’m not ugly. Tracy K and Bonny B, those were ugly. My face won’t be found on a fashion magazine cover, but I realize I still have decent features and that things could be a lot worse in the face and the body. 

My thyroid pills would no doubt allow me to get results from both dieting, but I still have the same problem as before – it takes about 1000 calories to do it. That’s not enough food month after month, so I am going to stay where I’m at. Contrary to popular belief, we aren’t what we eat so much as we are how MUCH we eat, so no matter how healthy I eat, 1500 calories of lean meats and fresh fruits and veggies are too much for a woman my age and height to lose on even with exercise. Sure don’t have to worry about gaining, though, so long as I don’t start stuffing myself or sitting on my ass. 

Had a horrible, horrible nightmare last night. Or more like today, I should say. Either way, my sense of hopelessness and helplessness was exactly like it was in 2011 when the government gave up on some of its own, including us. Don’t know why Tom and I weren’t living together in the dream, but I seemed to be in my own 1-bedroom apartment or house or whatever the hell it was. Tom was over one night and we were talking about the latest financial crisis to hit us. Then he suddenly said, “Good night,” and was gone in the blink of an eye. I was on the verge of panicking and didn’t want to be left alone that night. 

“Be brave and strong,” I told myself, “and maybe after the weekend is through I’ll find a solution to this problem and everything will be fine again.” 

But I knew deep down it wouldn’t be. Everything I thought of to help myself had some kind of catch to it, making it an impossible solution. My anger at God surfaced and I thought, I am not going to be His bum again! I realized He’d never stop letting bad things happen to me – really bad things – and that the only way to stop His cycle of abuse was to die. I knew that if I didn’t kill myself, the situation would do so on its own since I couldn’t survive the streets, especially now that I needed medication. Preferring to go quicker and in bed just like in real life a few years ago, I started making preparations when I woke up to pee. 

Once I fell back asleep, the damn nightmare continued, though it had kind of a happy ending. It was the next day and Tom was back with tons of food. 

“Some cop decided everyone should have food subsidies,” he told me, and I was all relieved and happy as I dived into the spaghetti and meatball meal laid out before me. Don’t know why I was, though. Food subsidies will fill your stomach but they won’t pay the mortgage/rent. 

I told Tom about it and he assured me everything was fine. They did, however, lay off a bunch of people on the second shift, which they’re doing away with. He could’ve been one of them had he gotten on that shift, so thank goodness he didn’t. Still don’t know if he’s getting a promotion or not, but as long as he stays where he is, that’s fine. He makes enough money to live on. 

He also pointed out that there wasn’t any imminent danger in the dream as there was in the “riot” dream and the one where we fell 20 or more feet. 

The endocrinologist called wanting to make an appointment, but as Tom said, they’ll just have to wait on us. My schedule isn’t such that I can play appointment right now, and anyone receiving money and not giving it is working for us as far as I’m concerned. So in another week or two, we’ll schedule that, plus the eye specialist, plus the sleep specialist, and then I have my April female exam. That may have to be canceled, thanks to my cycle becoming more erratic. 

Tom suspects the good (sexy) doc wants me to see a specialist cuz of the way I asked if hypothyroidism can cause or affect my OH. Maybe she’s worried the medication could aggravate it or something like that. 

I will also call Tammy and Paula once I’m back on days, the two people left on earth who prefer phones to email/Facebook. 

I’m excited and happy for my friend Christine. She’s getting married and after she and her fiancé looked at my Hawaii albums, they’re thinking of going there for their honeymoon. It still shocks me that Andy said a friend of his went to Honolulu and found it similar to Phoenix, Arizona, only with an ocean attached to it. Well, we went to Maui and not Honolulu, but I still don’t see how the two could even be remotely comparable. Arizona’s brown. Hawaii’s greener than green. You will also find tons of trees, plants and flowers that Arizona doesn’t have. There are only so many things you can plant in Arizona because it is just so damn hot and so damn dry.

It sure wasn’t dry here last night. It rained super hard and we even had some thunder and lightning. I was glad I wasn’t asleep. 

According to a study Tom read, rats have their own “dream people.” They put a chip in their brains to determine brain activity during sleep, eating and playtime. They appear to dream of what they were last doing when they first fall asleep. Then they have random dreams from there on out. 

Later… 

I saw a very scary documentary last night on stalking. This woman moved to another state (I forgot which one) with her husband and two kids. Jane settles in and her neighbor Mary comes over to introduce herself to her. They hit it off instantly and become good friends. Jane always dressed conservatively, but Mary dressed a little young for her age. Then Mary dyed her hair the same color as Jane’s and started dressing like her, too. Jane thought that was weird at first, but took it as a compliment of sorts. 

Then Mary started showing up wherever Jane went. Jane was feeling smothered instead of flattered at this point, and then she became really concerned as it escalated. 

We’re taught that if we ignore the bully, the bully gets bored with us and eventually moves on. Not Mary. Mary became angrier and more determined the more Jane tried to avoid her. Once Mary makes a bogus claim to her son’s school counselor saying that Jane’s been abusive and neglectful, Jane goes to the cops. The cops are useless, though, since she hasn’t technically broken any laws. 

Jane doesn’t lose her son, which pisses Mary off even more and drives her determination up a notch. Mary becomes so obsessed with tormenting Jane that she uses her own daughter to spite her by filing a false claim of Jane trying to run them over. Jane’s then arrested and taken to trial. Jane’s then acquitted and no charges are filed against Mary despite Jane’s insistence that she was being called a stalker by the very person that was stalking HER, a very common accusation made by real stalkers. It’s always you bothering them when in fact it’s just the opposite. 

Anyway, Jane’s damn lucky Mary wasn’t black with the way the courts are afraid to favor whites and get called racists by the blacks involved as well as the general public. Both women were the same color and both had kids. Still, she lost an awful lot of money, went through a world of stress, and had to move to escape Mary’s obsession, all the while Mary would stand there snapping pictures of Jane and her family, which is also perfectly legal. 

It’s scary to think you can cause a whole boatload of trouble for someone simply by making an accusation, true or false, and I don’t understand why they don’t polygraph the accusers. Those are virtually impossible to fool, so why don’t they utilize it more than for just murder cases? If they’d have pollied my own legal perps they would’ve known who was the true victim from the get-go. 

I sometimes said I wished those stalking me online would appear to me in person so I could forever put them out of business, but I don’t know about that anymore. Online a click of the mouse usually gets them out of the picture. I stick to sites that allow for user blocking and I ignore anything that can be anonymously sent to me (I also do so cuz of spam and scams). In person, though, I’d be fair game to whatever they had in mind for me unless I truly did kill them or at least scare them off somehow.