I don’t get some people at times. How can you complain that it’s mostly black people in prison when they’re the ones who are statistically responsible for committing most of the crimes in the first place? That’s like complaining that there are too many rapists in jail. Well, if they would just stop raping, there would be fewer of them in jail, wouldn’t there be? I just don’t understand why so many people have their heads in the sand where this violent, manipulative group of people is concerned any more than I’ll ever understand why they were so needlessly cruel to them 100 years ago. If you still think racial profiling is really that big of an issue, then wow, the blacks and media really have you brainwashed. My disgust for them is totally reasonable and justified as it is with the Muslims and I will never feel an ounce of guilt or shame for it. 

I noticed that Norma was looking for Kayla’s Secret, a story I wrote several months ago and had on Blogger until I moved it. Wow, she would have had to scroll quite a ways down my wall to find that link, unless she bookmarked it. 

Now that the guy on Prosebox has fixed some privacy issues, I was thinking I would make my storybook there public and just make the stories private that I don’t want to share. Then I will share the link on Facebook. I don’t want to share any links to Prosebox on other sites that Molly could see in case she becomes a problem again, though she probably already knows about my account there somehow, or could at least find out about it. Still, why make it easy for her? 

Sarah sent me one of those stupid things that you forward to 15 other females so that something good would happen in 9 minutes, and all about God another superstitious stuff I don’t believe in, so I just ignored it. I don’t have 15 other females to send it to anyway, and I’m sure most of them wouldn’t appreciate it if I did. A lot of people hate those “chain letters.” 

Virginia just took off for the second time in an hour or so. Unfortunately, she goes out a lot more than her husband does. Leave it to the quiet one to be the one to take off more often. I am seriously getting really fucking sick of hearing noise coming from over there every single day lately. But I found out what was going on and I was even in their house yesterday. No, he’s not beating out some new birdhouse. 

When I went out to water the cactus plant on the table, Bob was right there. I mean literally right there between the side of his garage and the retaining wall. I asked what was going on and he said that he was repairing the bricks in the walkway running alongside there from the front of the garage to the back. He was beating on what looked like strips of wood and metal, but when I looked over the wall and down into the little walkway, I thought it looked beautiful, so I don’t understand what it is he thinks he has to fix. Tom said that years of rain can damage the cement. Well, I guess it’s a good thing it hardly ever rains here so that if he can ever finally finish this, I shouldn’t have to hear this particular project again for quite a while. 

After I picked up our mail, I brought them a puzzle I didn’t want, preferring to go to their front door because I didn’t know if they would feel comfortable with me going through the garage. They do have the garage door open unless it’s at night or they’re both gone, but I chose the front door anyway. I called out “hello” and heard Virginia say to come on in. 

I stepped inside, and wow! Their place looks pretty modern, even though I know it’s got to be almost as old as our house since they’ve been there since 1988. Obviously, they have remodeled it, and they’re just the type of people who would do that, too. Although Virginia said something about her place being white and mine being brown. “Not anymore,” I said and told them how we painted all the rooms a different color. 

They have a very different layout than we do, making their place appear smaller than ours, but maybe it really is. It’s still gorgeous and it’s heaven compared to a dumpy old trailer. They also have a two-bedroom. We have a very open, spacious floor plan where you can see the living room, dining area and kitchen all at once. I had to step around the wall in order to see into their dining area and I could not see their kitchen at all. I couldn’t even see down their hallway as easily as you can see down ours. The place looked immaculate and not at all cluttered. Didn’t care for their ugly plaid couch, though, LOL. We have plain glass in the doors to our hutch, but they had cut, decorative glass that was really beautiful. However, I chose to use our hutch to display some of my doll collection and I wouldn’t want anything other than plain glass. 

She and Bob were sitting at their kitchen table eating lunch. Looked like chips and sandwiches on paper plates which they were just finishing. I asked if they like to do puzzles, and Virginia said, “He does,” so Bob took the puzzle while I apologized for disrupting their lunch. They said I wasn’t disrupting them, but I didn’t stay long anyway. Then again, so what if I disrupted their lunch, LOL, when they disrupt my peace at times. Really, please tell me that this walkway project is going to be over soon and that we’re not going to go right into some whole new project that I also have to listen to despite the cooling temps. Even when he isn’t doing something loud, the general movement I hear from over there gets annoying and distracting… things sliding around, things clanking to the ground, etc. IDK, maybe we should just sell out and get an apartment. I mean, if we’re going to have to hear shit anyway, why not save a few hundred a month while we’re at it? I also don’t have much privacy sitting out there with him practically an arm’s reach away. 

Fire and ambulance just went by but unfortunately, it wasn't because one of Bob's hands fell off. They came from further down the street. 

Last night I had a dream that I opened a door somewhere and looked out into the corridor just as a woman stepped toward me, crying and rubbing her bruised wrist. Then I looked at the guy standing near her and knew he was responsible for it. I said, “If you ever do this to her again, I swear I’ll break your fucking arm.” 

I slammed the door and turned around to where Tom and his family were seated at a long table and repeated what I told the guy. Instead of commending me for sticking up for the woman, I got condemned for swearing. They would do that, too. 

Then I dreamed I was going on a cruise by myself, something I would never do in real life. Any kind of vacation by myself would be utterly boring. Vacations are meant to be shared with the one you love. But I was going on this cruise by myself in the dream when I realized the ship I was to be on that was present a second ago had suddenly disappeared. I asked this guy where the ship had gone and they said, “It’s over there now.” 

My gaze followed where they were pointing and the ship was now a couple of hundred feet away. For some reason, I was desperate to get on the ship, and I literally dove into the water and began to swim toward it as the guy was shouting out my name. 

Later… 

I am so on the verge of dumping Andy! Really I am getting so totally fed up with the same old cycle of bullshit. Instead of any thank yous or gratitude for trying to boost his insecure spirits last night, I get insulted instead and now I am even accused of causing him to have dreams about his insecurity. So now I’m supposed to be responsible for his dreams as well as all this other shit he’s imagining? Maybe he’s having dreams of insecurity because he IS insecure. He himself said he was. I’m tired of this guy blaming everyone but himself for his problems. 

I once read a long time ago on an old Twitter account of his under a bogus name something to the effect of “It’s okay to throw in the towel at times.” He’s right. Our friendship is getting to be a lot more work than it should be because I have to spend so much time reassuring him in correcting his misunderstandings, false assumptions and paranoia. I know some people think the whole world revolves around them and that everything is about them, but that isn’t so. The old Jodi used to fuss, fight, kiss and make up with certain types of people, but the Jodi of today tends to avoid negative individuals. No one’s worth the time and energy when there are so many positive people out there. 

Supposedly I was leaving comments on Facebook pertaining to conversations I’ve had with God knows who in order to avoid a confrontation that is supposed to be aimed at particular individuals. Yes, some chats have inspired certain thoughts about which I have made statements, but there is absolutely NOTHING that bothers me about him that I haven’t already told him directly. The only difference between the two of us is that when I ask him politely not to do something or I point out that something in particular he does is annoying, he does it more, whereas I tend to respect and consider other people's feelings unless they’re asking something totally unreasonable of me or something I couldn’t possibly deliver even if I wanted to. 

There are basically two reasons I’m getting fed up. One is because I’m tired of spending so much time having to defend and explain myself, and secondly, I don’t care for his personality. When I pull back and look at him objectively, and ask myself if he’s someone I would want to strike up a friendship with these days if we were just meeting now, there’s no hesitation. The answer’s a quick, “no.” We’re just too different these days. We used to have more in common, but it’s like nothing’s changed with him over the years. Yeah, he’s got his own place, he’s got his own business, he’s drug and cigarette-free, but he’s the same person I’ve always known… immature, selfish, accusatory, paranoid, insensitive, repetitious and very annoying at times. 

Although they are mostly not his fault, his memory issues and his stupidity get old at times as well. I have to constantly repeat myself and explain things to him like I’m talking to a child. No wonder he’s never been able to acquire any real skills, though he was once an avid keyboardist. I just wish, as I’m sure he agrees, that he didn’t smoke pot for as long as he did. It has really stunted his maturity and his intellectual growth as well as fucked with his memory. Even cigarette smoke can lower one’s IQ/learning ability. 

Unless I’m being just as paranoid as he is, it really truly does seem that he gets off on annoying people at times. IDK, maybe deep down in his subconscious, he’s hoping to drive me away. Some people are like that where they want to end a friendship but they don’t want to be the ones to do it. Well, again, I’m getting very close to being the one to take the honors because I’m getting frustrated. When I think of all the shit I’ve had to put up with from him over the last five years, it’s all starting to really add up. I only held on this long because I felt guilty for dumping him back in 1999. I realize, however, that I have the perfect right to decide who I want to be friends with. No one, including me, should ever feel obligated to be involved in a friendship that they feel their heart is in less and less as time goes on. I have a right to be with people I feel I’m more accepting, tolerant, positive, intelligent, and that I have more common ground with. 

Had I known for a minute that he was going to say and do a lot of the things he said and did over the last half a decade, even though he has apologized for most of these things, I never would have contacted him five years ago in the first place. First he prank-called the shit out of us when we didn’t have money to spend on minutes to delete all the shit off our phone. 

Then he insulted us in numerous ways online. He knew virtually nothing about why we haven’t had any contact with his family, yet he was making all kinds of comments in their favor as if he were an expert on the situation. The same with the freeloaders next to us in Phoenix. He knew some of it, but the things he said were incredibly cold. Just totally mean and cruel. Imagine, for example, that someone just raped you and then your best friend turns around, only knowing part of the story, and made YOU out to be the perpetrator, all the while defending them and accusing you of things along the way you knew absolutely nothing about. Yet I supported HIM 100% when he told me about his own past legal battles. 

Imagine being told it’s sad that you don’t want to have more friends when it’s even sadder that you’re stuck having to clean toilets for just a few grand a year and even sadder that children die of cancer every single day. Really, if you cry tears for the happy, can you possibly have any tears left for the unhappy? All I know is that as soon as people start pushing me to be someone I’m not, I’m gone. No one has a right to sit in judgment of me any more than I have a right to judge them. 

Imagine being called fat when you’re not that fat yet the other person is seriously obese. 

Imagine being called an “excuse queen” for your sleep disorder when he has a sleep disorder as well (sleep apnea). 

Imagine being laughed at and called a chicken because you have a driving phobia. See, that’s the wonderful thing about him… If he doesn’t have or understand a particular thing, then it can’t possibly exist. His way is the only correct way, in his mind. Oh, the power some people falsely flatter themselves with believing they have at times. Again, he has apologized for this and knows that I wish to hell I didn’t have this sleep disorder, but no one in this world has this amazing power and control over me that would cause me to lie about it. If the truth was that I really didn’t want to work, I would come out and say so. No one can spank or punish me for the truth. I’m not a child. 

Again, he’s apologized for most of these things, but that’s not the point. The point is he did these things and it’s not something one can just forget even if you’d like to. Just the fact that he’s done this as little as a few years ago tells me how little his personality has changed over the years and just what kind of person I’m dealing with. He supposedly did some things as a form of revenge against me for dumping him back in 1999, and later claimed to regret doing this, saying that he had become anti-revenge. Yeah, but the snide remarks and taunts about my driving phobia, along with a few other things, came after our friendship had been re-established. I wish to hell I could jump in a car every day and go to work, even if it was to some nothing little job that paid minimum wage, but then again, do I really need to defend and explain myself to anyone? Even my sister once told me a long time ago… “When you know the truth and that’s all that matters.” Damn right! 

I also get tired of him claiming how he loves to be unique in one breath while equating others to himself in the next breath, most of the time in an inaccurate way. If he’s miserable, then he wants the rest of the world to suffer along with him. If he’s jealous, then you are too. If he’s broke, then you are too. No matter how many times I have tried to tell him that he’s him and I’m me, it’s in one ear and out the other. Lately, giving him any kind of advice (I told him not dwelling on food so much might help when he was saying on Facebook how frustrated he is with not losing any more weight) is like talking to the wall. 

To continue down the list of things that have pissed me off over the years, not only have I been called a liar when I have been telling the truth, but he has jumped the gun and made false accusations numerous times, and has even used pictures to offend and annoy me on Ask. Yeah, I wasn’t stupid. He sure thought I was, though, until I spoke up about it. So yeah, I can see where someone as paranoid as he is may think things are aimed at him. He admits that he has been very insecure this year, but people can only be so patient, understanding and supportive for so long before they finally throw their hands up in frustration and have had enough. 

His lack of sensitivity and compassion says a lot about him as well. Then again, he’s kind of strange where that’s concerned. He can be as compassionate as he can be insensitive. He has provided coats for the homeless during the winter and has had cheesecake desserts sent to me to help take my mind off of the medical drama I was going through last year. At the same time, he rarely commented on any of my journal entries that covered those horrible times and believes that Robin Williams “chose” to throw it all away. 

Sorry, but you are totally naïve if you believe there is a single person out there who is so damn happy they can’t stand it and can’t wait to “throw it all away.” I understand that it may be hard to accept and imagine that there really are medications out there like what he was on and like the Prozac I was on that can make you suicidal, but that doesn’t make it untrue. I can’t imagine living in Alaska. Doesn’t mean some people don’t. Anyway, some people can be helped, while unfortunately, some are beyond help just like when it comes to certain cancers and other things. I know the guy has a right to his own beliefs and opinions, but I prefer people who don’t think the way he does because they tend to have the kind of personality I prefer. 

I’m no genius myself and I’m not always the perfect friend, but I would never defend my friend’s perps, or insult and pick on someone for a lifestyle that was harmless, or their fears and phobias. That was OMG kind of insulting, apology in the end for it or not. I hate people like him who expect to be accepted (for being gay and other things) all the while they think they have the perfect right to judge and critique others. Because he’s so miserable himself, it’s like he wants to believe that others are as well, saying he feels “sorry” for Tom and me because we choose not to have a lot of friends. Yeah, and we feel bad for a guy stuck having to clean toilets and who is forever single. Funny, that he should say this because as he himself admitted, he likes being a loner and doesn’t have many friends either. I don’t think that’s his choice, though. I think he has a hard time hanging on to people because he just doesn’t get along with most people. 

Since Facebook shares our interactions with our other friends, I once saw him telling someone that guys can’t wait to get away from him when and he starts talking to them. Did he ever stop and think that maybe he needs to just shut up and listen for a while? If you came up to me with nonstop ramblings I’d want to get away from you, too. That was the one negative aspect of his visit. He went on nonstop about his celebrity fantasies. 

As I told him, we all have our passions and obsessions, but most of us learn how to control them at least to a degree. First I constantly had to hear all about God and Stevie Nick’s, and now it’s nothing but food, food and more food. No wonder he’s not losing any more weight, older or not. He’s obviously developed a serious food addiction. Any idiot can see this based on how often food is on his mind and how often he mentions it. I have pointed out that this is annoying, and I shouldn’t have because now he is mentioning it more. Yeah, that’s how considerate my dear “friend” is at times. 

He admitted that he’s been very insecure this year, but no matter how many times people try to tell him that all that matters is how he feels and what he likes/wants and that he should stop worrying so much about what others think, it doesn’t seem to help the guy. All I know is that it has to do with something bad happening when he visited family in Florida. I guess they are annoyed with his immaturity at times as well, including his hobbies. They call his imaginary band tours immature, and technically they are. Most people in their 50s don’t live in a fantasy world. But in the end, it is totally harmless and it’s not like he can’t distinguish fantasy from reality. Well, then again, that’s debatable if one person believes in God and the other believes that’s just a fantasy passed down from one generation to another as a means of coping with this thing called life. Still, it’s annoying and it’s immature, but it’s harmless. I think there’s something else going on I don’t know about. I don’t like to pry or make people feel like they have to tell me things they don’t want to tell me. 

Yes, he’s immature, and yes he can be annoying at times, but I would rather be annoyed than cruelly insulted. Also, if someone can’t handle the little things we ask of them, I’d hate to see them try to take on anything big. 

“Sounds like I’m about to get dumped,” I just saw that he said on our private Ask account. Is that what he wants? This isn’t the first time he’s said that, so this reinforces my suspicions of him trying or at least hoping that I’ll dump him. *sighs with frustration* At this point I’m not sure what I’m going to do, though walking away would probably be the smart thing. Again, I’m experiencing more frustration than anything else lately. Friendship shouldn’t be that way. Now I’m afraid to post anything on my Facebook wall viewable to him, knowing he may very well take it personally. Again, yes I’ve made comments inspired by conversations with various people, but that doesn’t mean everything’s aimed at him or all about him. I actually prefer to voice my frustrations about people on Twitter, though absolutely none of it is stuff I haven’t said to the person directly. 

Part of me wishes I had someone to talk to about the situation who knows as much as I do about it, but the only one who knows a lot about it is Tom, and he doesn’t even know every little single thing. He’s always told me to do what I felt was best and never that he was leaning toward not dumping him or dumping him. 

I also don’t think it’s right to go to others about your problems with people. I’m sure most levelheaded people would tell me the same thing… got drama in your life? Remove it. Got paranoia in your life? Remove it. Not that I would ever wish him any harm or that all problems can be removed easily enough from our lives. But not contacting him would be plenty simple. Oh, I’m sure I would get a barrage of emails and phone calls, and maybe even a postal letter, but I know how to mark email as spam without reading it, I know how to delete messages, and I know how to write “return to sender.” 

Tom suggests not worrying so much about what he says and just ignoring any comments I don’t agree with. That’s not always very easy to do with him, but it’s better than being all or nothing. For now, anyway. Like he said, though, it’s easier to ignore 100 emails than just 1 person who’s literally right in your face.