Will we be married for another 25 years? I wonder this at times but I kind of doubt it. I think somewhere between 20-25 years, though, so we should still have many years ahead! I know I’m always going to have something but I just hope he stays healthy till the end.

Alyssa’s been on my mind since I recently dreamed about her. I don’t know why she pops into my mind at random as she does and why I still feel this longing for her. Hell, it’s been half a decade! Not a sexual longing but just to be around her, to have her as a friend, to chat with her at times, to go out to lunch together occasionally. There was just something about her I really liked and felt comfortable with. She was very personable and kind even if she wasn’t the greatest doctor for me. She was liberal and I could tell we thought a lot alike.

She finally shared a picture of her baby. Not herself, but her husband holding the baby. I was right. It’s a girl. I had a strong feeling for some reason that it was. They don’t mention the name, though.

I’m happy for her but is there anything this woman can’t get? I couldn’t help but feel a pang of sadness for myself. I still don’t regret not having kids, not that it was ever my choice to begin with, and sometimes I’m glad I don’t have to deal with bosses and coworkers, especially when I don’t feel well, but seriously. Some people really seem to have it all! That’s the whole point, I guess, that gets to me at times. From what I can tell, she’s got great parents and comes from a decent family. She’s got money. She can keep a schedule. She’s tall. She’s got a husband who can obviously perform. I’m sure she can sleep with that husband every night, has a great career, and got to have a kid. It’s like whatever Alyssa wants, Alyssa gets.

But If I were suddenly young again, could I get someone I really lusted for while keeping a schedule and choosing the career of my choice and whether or not I had kids? No, of course not. Gay or straight, great personality and intelligence or not, I’d get the biggest sexual misfit there was. While I was dealing with that, I would have a nothing little menial job, if even that, and the rights to choose to have a child, if that’s what I chose, would be up to others or to circumstances beyond my control.

The only two things I don’t get are how the hell she finds time for the kid with such a demanding career and what it is she sees in her husband at least from a physical standpoint. He’s just so incredibly boring. He may not be fat or anything but he’s just this dark blob of nothing.

I just wonder why it is that I was never “allowed” to be normal? Do things really happen for a reason? Or did I just happen to end up this way? It makes me feel like something up there feels I don’t deserve to be normal. Why couldn’t I always sleep with my own husband? Why couldn’t we have had a normal, fun, healthy and exciting sex life together? Why couldn’t I have felt the same degree of lust that I felt for some people I could never have? Why couldn’t I keep a schedule? Why couldn’t I have the guts to drive? Why couldn’t I have a career of my own? Why couldn’t I have been the one to decide whether or not I had kids even if I’m glad I didn’t? Why is it some people can get it all? Really, what could possibly be all that wrong with Alyssa’s life? What could possibly be abnormal for her? What could she possibly want that she can’t have besides maybe a billion bucks? What realistic ordinary thing could possibly be denied to Alyssa??

Do she and her husband ever fight? Will their sex life fizzle out with age like ours did, not that I could have sex anyway due to my LS.

If things aren’t random and we’re basically given a script to play out, why was I chosen to be so unique? Why was I denied so many things that almost everyone else can get or do? What was it about me that made whatever’s up there decide I should be one of the ones to sit out on the sidelines and watch normality play out from the outside in? Why do I have so many health problems? Thyroid, ear, TMJ, rashes, sleep issues, a weight problem I have no control over, etc.

I still worry that I do indeed have LS and there won’t be anything they can do for it but give me the usual temporary solutions that can’t last forever. It’s like with my groin rash. I treat it and it comes back.

If I could get up the nerve, even though it would leave me badly mutilated and hurt like hell, I might wish I could cut off the skin in hopes of healthy or at least pain-free skin growing back.

I made my dream blog public a few days ago just to see if it would start getting any hits, and if it has, I can’t see them.

The weather has been quite mild so far this summer which is saving us money as far as the AC goes but not exactly helping the pool.

I wrote everything above late last night. Tom’s app is now in the store. No downloads yet, though.