Tammy has been very understanding as far as her narcissistic brats go. She admits that she doesn’t agree with everything her girls do, but because they’re adults they do have the right to decide who they want in their lives.

I appreciate that she isn’t taking sides and understands where we’re both coming from and doesn’t try to push anyone one way or the other. I know in my heart I didn’t do anything wrong and that I was only cut off by the girls because I said things they didn’t want to hear. So my conscience is clear and I don’t feel guilty in any way shape or form as I had just as much right to express myself as they did. I’m actually kind of glad they’ve cut ties with me because it’s easier this way. They’re too sensitive and emotional in the wrong kind of way so now I don’t have to feel like I’m walking on eggshells because they have to be so damn fragile. It isn’t just that they’re overly fragile or sensitive but more that they’re just very selfish individuals. They have a problem with what others say but they have absolutely no problem whatsoever with saying what they want to say.

Oh, life’s little sensitives. rolls eyes Don’t you just love them? They’re still young so maybe they’ll grow up a little eventually. Even if they do, though, I don’t do do-overs. I used to, but not anymore. So if they decide 5, 10 years down the road that they’d like to reconnect with me, it’s too late. Consider me a train. When traveling Amtrak and stepping off for a smoke or something, if you don’t get back on that train when it takes off, it will not stop to take you back.

I may not feel any guilt or shame where they’re concerned, but last night I sure ended up feeling the worst I’ve felt since beginning this dosage experiment just over 8 weeks ago. What’s next, a period?

I was definitely more than just a little on edge. I feel a bit crushed, heartbroken, and kind of devasted, too. I now have absolutely no clue what could be causing it, though I agree with Tom in that it’s probably multiple things. All I do know for sure is that I definitely had problems when I first went on 75s and when I took 88s. That couldn’t be more obvious than it was.

But now I’m thinking it’s more likely tied in with going into menopause, a condition I happened to acquire, things going on like noise and sleep issues, or maybe there’s even something cursing this house. I don’t know, maybe there’s just something bad about this place. Some kind of negative energy in the area. That one seems the least likely so I guess all I can do is hope it’s tied in with changing hormones and someday it will go away even if it’s looking less likely the longer I have it. It would be especially devasting if I had it 6-12 months after being officially menopausal.

I’ll probably just have to deal with it when it hits and enjoy the days that it doesn’t. So far today I’m fine but I’ve only been up for 5 hours and it tends to set in more towards the middle of my day. I still think there could be a connection with drug brands too, but just like I one day had to accept that I would never lose weight and that being heavy is simply the older me, I might have to accept that I’m going to suffer on and off from anxiety for the rest of my life. I guess if I could adapt to being fat and even become comfortable with it the more familiar it got, I will eventually do the same with the anxiety. It’s me. Just like having a deformed ear is me.

That fake ear canal has 9 hours before it’s properly cleaned. Yeah, nothing like having your sleep broken up due to a nightmare, waking up tired, even if I’m not as tired as I thought I would be, and then having a million hours before your appointment.

In the dream, I was sitting on the edge of an airbed. Tammy was in the room as I looked at a remote I held in my hand that said it was low on air. So I blew it up a bit and then checked the remote. It’s still said it was low on air, so I began to blow it up again. Initially, only the head of the bed began to rise and my first thought was that one of the inner walls had burst. But in just a few seconds, the bed curled upward and wrapped around me, squeezing me in its center. Sandwiched in as tightly as I was, I couldn’t work the remote that was still clutched in my hand in order to release the air. I awoke hoping Tammy would run and grab a pair of scissors and start cutting me out of the thing before I could suffocate to death.

So not a nice dream at all. :-(

Saw an ad for the Chernobyl series on HBO and forgot that we have HBO. It’s part of our internet package. So I began watching it. What a horrifying tragedy!

I’m also absolutely thrilled that for once we’re going to start controlling men’s bodies instead of just women by castrating child molesters. Only, I don’t think just “certain” child molesters should be castrated. I think all sex offenders of all kinds should be regardless of the age of their victims. But this is a start! Now let’s see how they like having their bodies controlled and being told what they can and can’t do with them.

I’m just wondering when women are going to finally fight back. If they keep sitting and letting men tell them what they can and can’t do, they’ll keep being taken advantage of. Sometimes you really do have to step on people to get ahead. Marching in parades while chanting and twirling signs isn’t going to do it. Physically going after these politicians and putting them in their place is what’s going to ultimately lead to their freedom. Once they make an example out of the bastards that are controlling them, this is what’s going to send the right message to future politicians and remind them of what can happen if they even think of jumping in the driver’s seat of a woman’s reproductive rights.

Anyway, other than being a little tired tonight, I’m still having some head pressure upon standing up, neck knockers, lightheadedness and that strange vibration I get in my head at times.