The new massager arrived and it’s wonderful. Definitely can’t say it’s as good as human hands but it’s still pretty damn good. Love how I can just lie on my stomach, position it on my back, and it kneads away. I just have to adjust the position every now and then. It changes directions every few minutes. Work well whether I have a shirt on or it’s sitting on my bare back.

Got a crazy story idea in mind that I’ve already mentioned and that I’ve been on a surprising roll with it, even returning to NaNo. I’ve got almost 5K words and my word count goal is set to 10K since I chose not to check the box associating it with a NaNo event. It’s more like I’m writing a bunch of scenes than an actual story. It’s a story but it’s told in bits and pieces. It doesn’t quite flow in the way a typical story does. I’m kind of jumping around in the life of this badass female outlaw and all the revenge she seeks on those she believes have crossed her.

Earlier in the evening, we went on a very chilly walk. I had a long-sleeved sweatshirt on underneath my hoodie and it was still kind of chilly. Because of the hip problems I’ve been having, I didn’t run and was only out for 10 minutes. I’ve made a point of getting steps inside the house by walking up and down it or hopping on my skier.

There really is no end to what will wake me up. Fortunately, I had just dropped off to sleep so it was no big deal. I ended up sleeping just fine afterward. I was falling asleep when I was aware of Alexa talking. Probably to say something like, “Sorry, I’m having trouble playing this right now. Please try again later.”

The Wi-Fi in the bedroom is spotty so she stopped playing the brown noise I had her playing. We’ll definitely have a more reliable setup in the next place. I still had the air cleaner and the white noise running, though.

I didn’t think I had any dreams but after I’d been up a while I remembered a quick dream involving visiting Dixie. She was sitting by the back window in her master bedroom that had a window AC in it. I knew she often dozed in the chair and realized she wouldn’t hear it if anyone were trying to enter the house.

Suddenly, a friend of hers was there and Dixie began to get irritated with me for pointing out the risk of catching the virus which she didn’t see as that big of a deal.

Her moodiness is exactly why I haven’t contacted her. I’ve gotten a few jokes from her, one of which she forwarded to me but I haven’t heard anything else from her and I’m kind of hoping not to.

Later…

My rosewater and jasmine perfumed powder came today and it’s so strong smelling that Tom thought it broke open in the package before he opened it. It’s nice but I only smell the rose and not the jasmine.

When I was almost fully asleep, the dream people showed me how we were going to be going out of here. Or so I can hope and wish anyway. It left me with that feeling that definitely has me wondering if what I had was just a dream or something more. It was weird. It was like I wasn’t even completely asleep yet although close enough to it. I felt myself flying and then slowly turning when I realized I was on a plane that was taking off and turning in the direction of our destination. I then clearly heard the steady drone of the jet engines. It appeared to be the first-class part of the plane and we were on the same side of the plane as last time. So the window was to my left and he was to my right. I turned to him with a big grin on my face and my eyes wet with tears which seemed a little too happy for going on vacation.

Then there was something about a white house. There was some black as well. I don’t know if it was the trim or something else. I just wonder if it could be a sign even though it seems unlikely. It’s just that the feeling was so real! I know dreams can often feel very real but this was a little different in a way that’s hard to explain. I could really feel the sensations I was feeling in the dream and hear the sounds I heard.

I jumped up out of bed and asked him what he thought and he said he didn’t know either as to whether or not it could mean anything although it’s encouraging. When I really analyze it, I don’t see how it will be much safer to fly in half a year than it is now or that we would get that much for this place to afford to go out of here first class as much as I’d love to. I would love to meet my buddy as rough as a drive across the country would be but given the choice and money, we would rather fly there. It would just be so much easier for us both.

Another thing I realized is that if we had our stuff shipped, they’re insured. So if they got in an accident and our shit was demolished, we would get paid for it. If we drove across and had an accident, no one would give us shit.

Only time will tell if it was a sign or not but right now, if I had to guess, we’re driving across. That’s the one that makes the most sense logically. Hard on us or not, driving wouldn’t be all bad if that’s the way we had to go. It’s going to depend on where the virus stands and where we stand financially.

I’ve been feeling good emotionally and I’m trying not to let the what-ifs and bad thoughts take that away from me. Yet I’m doing it again. I’m sitting here wondering how many more years I might have lived after Tom died but knowing I’ll never find out for two basic reasons. One is that I would be so lonely and depressed without him and the other is that honestly, I don’t see how I could take care of myself on my own. Life isn’t as simple as it was in the 80s and 90s when I had apartments. It’s gotten so complex not to mention that I don’t expect to ever live in the city on a bus line. You can’t live in these types of parks or out in the country and not have a car.

Then there would be the everyday issues like getting food, paying bills, fixing things that break, and that would be too much for me, especially getting older. It’s sad to know that the only place I could go where I wouldn’t be alone or have to worry about basic survival would be to prison and that’s certainly no place I would ever go. I would never want to go back to having to fight for my medication, plus I’m a lot needier than I was at 35. Like they would give me oil to help shed dead skin from my fake ear canal? Like they would take care of my dental needs and other things? This is all on top of how exhausted and uncomfortable incarceration leaves you in general. The only thing that would be different would be that I could afford to beat the shit out of an inmate that threatened or even just annoyed the holy hell out of me if I was physically able to and not worry about write-ups and visitation restrictions when there would be nobody to visit anyway.

Seriously, I just hope that unless I’m the one to go first, I have the strength to kill myself and do it right. The last thing I would want would be to commit a crime bad enough to finish my time off in prison or to have to act crazy enough to finish it off in a funny farm somewhere. I go when he goes.