Felt great yesterday but after a night of shitty sleep and shitty dreams, I’m feeling kind of blah today.

In one dream, I had my own apartment and I guess something must have happened to Tom even though I didn’t “feel” like he died or anything because I was crying to my ENT about how I was done and it was over for me because of how hard it was going to be for me to make it on my own.

“I don’t think people realize just how hard it is for those with circadian rhythm disorder,” I said, and then she put a finger to her lips and said something to suggest it wasn’t a crisis, though I don’t remember what she said.

Then I fell back asleep after getting up to pee and was crying about the same thing in the next dream, only I was at the termite’s place and our parents were still alive. I was telling her I hadn’t paid a dime of last month’s rent and was really scared for myself.

I wanted desperately to call our parents but was having trouble getting through. When they finally called us, I wanted to blurt it all out but all I could do was sob and tell them I missed them.

Got to my appointment a few minutes early and waited in the car. Being the first patient of the day, we saw Doc A drive in at 7:30. She drives this ugly navy-colored thing.

Doc A confirmed that no, nothing in my brain broke that’s causing my negative emotions otherwise there would be other symptoms. Found another site called Gennev that also confirms that the negative emotions, including depression and anxiety, can extend into the phase of menopause I’m in.

It’s true that when I think about it, there isn’t anything else physiologically wrong with me that should be causing it other than hormonal changes. They do chemistry/hormone panels at least once a year and I don’t have any other issues or diseases that could cause depression and anxiety. Yet even though my logic tells me exactly what it is and that it can’t go on forever, I still worry it will. Because I can never know for sure what will happen and when it makes it harder on me. But if I knew it would taper off around such and such a time, I think that would help at least to a degree. Since there’s no magic pill I can take, I just have to utilize other tools like tapping, the tea, and getting out as often as I can. The nights I used to love are now something I totally dread.

For the longest time, I said that if the me of my 20s could read many of my future journals from my 30s and 40s, I would be amazed, delighted, and surprised by much of what I read. But if the present-day me could read entries from the next 5 to 10 years I would honestly be afraid to! I’m just afraid I would cringe at what I might read.

I told Doc A about the side effects I had from the statins and the bupropion and that I can’t get into the lab until next week. She said to let her know when we’re actually moving so she can give me a few months of medication to hold me over until I can get a new doctor.

I showed her the red spot on my leg and she isn’t sure what it is. She says that if it ever bothers me or I ever want to find out, I can go to a dermatologist for a biopsy. Fortunately, it doesn’t itch and it hasn’t changed color or size in quite a while.

Loud vehicles, including motorcycles, are getting bad again. We’re looking at about a week or two before we contact the Sundae-like people. I can’t fucking wait!

We went online so I could submit my excuse for wanting to get out of jury duty and that’s that it would take an hour and 40 minutes via public transportation each way. Fortunately, this is true since I don’t think they’ll accept my simply not being interested.