I have spoken with Ma and Tammy both and have made a very final and definite decision. I’m moving to CT. I feel way too isolated here and have no way to save up for my goal. The expenses are just too high and it’s been the ultimate struggle of my life. There’s no bus line and Kim’s got her own life and is always very busy. I have no one and nothing. I’d hate to be involved with too many things and too many people cuz that’s how you get burned. On the other hand, when you’re completely isolated you’re safer, but you go insane.

I have to return to court on October 4th and if that’s not my final court date, I’ll just leave and say fuck it. Yes, I’ll lose any chance of ever recovering some or all of my tapes as well as my $80 answering machine, but I’ve got to split ASAP, and Andy can replace some of the tapes. Also, I wouldn’t want to, but I can live without an answering machine and can always get a new one someday. Plus, even if the DA were to say right this second, “Give Jodi O her tapes back and everything else you have,” they’re only gonna fuck with them by breaking them or conveniently losing them. sighs I’m so sick of people taking and breaking my things.

I will miss this apartment, and according to Tammy, the apartment they looked at is small but it’s a 2-bedroom, modern apartment where your heat is included. I hope I get the heat I pay for. I did with Carabetta and from what I heard they have that kind of heating system Carabetta had. No old fashion radiators. Also, it’s wall-to-wall carpet with laundry rooms and even an elevator. Since I don’t do first floors I guess I have my choice of second and third. If the third floor’s the highest, that’s what I want. So, as Tammy’s said, it’s small but at least I’ll have my family, a bus line, more things to do, and I’ll be typing for her for $30 or $40 a week and can save to leave the east coast.

I spoke with Andy the other night who made calls and he also blared some of the edits through the phone into my speakerphone and into my boom box. God, I’m so pissed just knowing only 10% of the material on all those will be recovered! All the time and money I spent on those tapes. Tapes that were totally blank. Songs from other people’s tapes I don’t have. Nervous and Fran convos I’ll never have again, crossings, and the list goes on. I’ll never trust anyone again and from now on anything private or personal is to be disguised to a T. I’m still so paranoid to write my own fucking life, thoughts and feelings in this journal, terrified that someone somewhere will, take, steal or destroy it.

I hate people, man! I hate fucking people! If I ever do meet new friends or eventually was able to settle for a so-so-looking woman in 10 years how can I ever trust them? No matter what she looked like, if I met a woman, how am I ever gonna handle it after Maliheh and all the others that fucked me over or just weren’t that great? How can I ever trust again? How can I ever believe or be confident in anyone again? How can I ever even have sex again? How can I ever get involved without pushing that person away? How can I get involved without running away scared? How can I ever have confidence in myself in a part-time relationship like I do as someone’s friend? How? How? How? How? How? How? How will I ever be able to handle a compliment without doubting the person? Will anyone be able to say they like or love me with me being able to believe them? Will I ever be able to trust anyone?

I think that over the last year after experiencing what I have and knowing what I do now I’ve come to know and accept that none of the above will ever happen. Even though 5% of the time I still wish I could have just one night with someone attractive. Someone I feel that sexual spark with. The type of character I usually can never get, I’ll never have sex again if my only choice is the same ongoing pattern. Never again is sex gonna be a boring chore. No spark, no sex. Just like with singing. No singing, no big 40-hour-a-week job.

Later...

Well, I managed to stay up until noon yesterday as I got my schedule screwed up again after 3 weeks. I only slept until 6 PM, though, as I woke up to the sound of Kim running her bathwater. My bathroom’s right across from the bedroom. And directly behind my bathroom is hers.

Tomorrow I was gonna go to the Big E with her but since I’ll never be able to go to bed and get up at 9:00 which is when she wants to leave, I won’t be going. She wants to stay till 4:00 or 5:00 which is much too long to need or want to be there. 3 hours or so would be different. Plus, she’s backed out on me so many times before that I don’t feel bad about it, and I said I’d do to those what they do to me from now on. Within reason, that is.

Now, I’m contemplating and toying with the idea of doing my writing in notebooks from now on. I’m not sure yet. Notebooks are cheaper and they’re easier to write in as the pages stay open better. Journals like these are more expensive but much prettier, durable and they’d last longer. Would I want to invest more money into something that very well may be taken away or stolen or something like that?

After being in Brattleboro and Valleyhead, remember how I said I’d always fantasize about being invisible? I’d lay in bed at home in Longmeadow late at night wishing I could snap my fingers and be there invisible. Once there, I’d go up to everyone who treated me like dirt and slap them upside the head. Well, now I wish I could be invisible and soundless, meaning if I screamed, talked or laughed no one would hear. Also any object I touched could become invisible if I so desired it to. If I could make this fantasy a reality for one single day I’d go to the police department and get my stuff, then go to any restaurants I could and steal the tips. I’d also be able to go to wherever my mother and other people I don’t like are and either punch them or just poke at their faces. Maybe rearrange a few items too. I’d also make sure I did this while someone else was there to see them freak out and think they’ve lost their minds.

Later...

I spoke with Jessie earlier about CT and she said she’ll definitely get those suits mailed out and see me in CT, if not here. I hope she puts enough postage on the envelope as I can’t afford to pay the difference. I’ll also get in touch with Steve, Jai and Paula. I won’t even bother to give my new number and address to Jimmy who I had a great talk. He got caught drunk driving so he lost his license and may also be doing jail time so he won’t be able to. He tried calling me but dialed the wrong number. Hank, I have not heard from in ages and when I call he never answers. Fran, I won’t bother with after I move. He changed his number like he does every other month which he had given to me over the phone. He either gave me a phony number or I copied down the wrong number. Chances are neither of the above is correct. He probably thought he was giving me the right number, but by accident gave me the wrong number. You know how stupid Fran is. Unfortunately, I’ve never gotten a call or a letter from Nervous, but it’s his choice to either contact me or not if he wants. I do wonder what he’s up to nowadays.

Later...

Hank called me an hour ago. He was in St. Francis Hospital in CT due to his heart. That’s what I figured. Hank gave me Mattie’s number and while he was on the line I called her and freaked her out with the edits. I wish Hank had 3-way and I hope Fran hurries up and calls before I move.

This time, when I tell Fran I’m moving, I will give him a phony number. He’ll probably try to get the number from Mom, but of course, she won’t give it to him. I have the feeling, however, that he’s lost Ma’s number and he’s always losing shit and lost my new number here when he moved to another floor in his building. That’s Fran for you. Luckily some people are stupid as it’s convenient for those who aren’t.

Later...

I made sure I stood up as late as I could and slept as late as I could. I ended up getting up at 7:00 this evening to reverse my schedule again. In another 2-3 days, I’ll be on days again. I need to be as I’ve got some errands and other things to do. Monday, Shadow’s gonna be fixed. I’ve got a form sent from Boston for half off as I’m low-income. Between Shadow’s shot and his being neutered, it should cost about $25. He only needs one shot, they told me, as he’s an indoor cat. Luckily males are cheaper to fix than females, but Kim gave me the money for this. That’s so nice of her.

Earlier I spoke with Tammy and told her everything about the calls, tapes, court and the search warrant. I wouldn’t have said anything if I knew it could be completely wrapped up by October 4th, but it won’t be. I didn’t want to upset her but she listened patiently and tried to understand and said she’d say nothing to mom and dad. It isn’t as if Mom and Dad would disown me, but you know how they are. They’d be very upset and I don’t blame them but they can’t really handle shit like that. Tammy asked for the number of Chief B, Mark, and my lawyer, and I gave them to her. She says she’ll call on Monday.