I just spoke to Steve a little while ago and told him about CT. I also spoke with him more about my phone call case. I told him I spoke to Tammy. Yesterday Tammy spoke to Mark. Now I’m worried more and more and I just do not know what to think. So many people have said different things. Also, the same people have said one thing and then another. An example of that is, Chief B told me that I probably wouldn’t be fined as I can’t afford it. He also told me he doesn’t think they could afford to put me in jail and that the jails are overcrowded and it’s not the most serious offense. Carol, my lawyer, and Mark and Kim told me they probably wouldn’t put me in jail, but then in the Greenfield paper Chief B changed his story. He had said 2 years with a $500 fine or 5 years with a $1,000 fine. Also, Mark told Tammy that cuz the company I called is a big part of this town and cuz I’m in a small town, I may be fined or do some time and they’re really gonna push it as far as they can. Or I’d be on probation but maybe not allowed to leave the state for a while. Mark still feels I should get my tapes back in the end and I mentioned to Steve that my lawyer said the DA has to duplicate my tapes. He said that’s very true as it’s still my private, personal belongings. I’m determined not to let them win in this case as they’ve already gotten their number one wish - no more calls from me. Secondly, I can’t go to jail as I’ll get killed or beat to within inches of death. I would rather kill myself than be murdered. Having to defend myself against one girl in jail is one thing but not 3 or 4 or more girls. And you know they gang up on tiny girls in huge clusters and that most girls in jail are there for much more serious crimes. There are mostly big butches in jail who have beaten people or killed them and not in self-defense, either. A lot of them do it strictly for laughs.

Later...

I am listening to a bootleg tape of Linda I got from a record convention in Boston or Chicopee. It’s amazing how strong her voice is. All the time. Linda can always cut it in concert as well as in recordings. I doubt she’s ever sung like shit for one day in her whole life. Gloria, on the other hand, is usually not as good in concert. I have Gloria singing Don’t Wanna Lose You on tape from music awards and it was so pitifully bad. The look on her face, as well as her band members, was like, “Oh my God.” I have a few concerts on video of hers that are not too great, but that was the worst. I wonder how Linda can keep going and going without losing her voice or getting sore throats. Well, maybe I could answer that if I didn’t smoke and did my voice exercises regularly. As a smoker and one who doesn’t do her voice exercises daily, I’m a good singer. I know, however, I could be a great one if doing what I need to do to make that possible wasn’t so impossible. I know, at this point for sure, I’ll never quit smoking permanently no matter how much I want to or how sick I get. Oh well. You only live once.

A few nights ago I was feeling a little bummed, so I called NCC where I had a talk with a very encouraging and positive woman. Not only did she tell me she knew some very feminine professional and decent gay women, but she mentioned this thing called the Gay Alliance. It’s supposed to be geared towards having more stable and upper-class people meet. Besides support groups, they have dances and more feminine people in a safer, cleaner atmosphere. Less trash to sort through than you would in a bar. She told me that the reason why I feel as if there are no feminine gays, is cuz when you see a butchy one walking down the street, they’re so obvious. She then said I’d be surprised how many are walking around appearing very feminine. I still feel there’s one in millions and you know how I am. In some cases, this one especially, seeing is believing even though I’m living proof of one. I still say it’s bullshit and I’m a fluke of nature. Tammy mentioned seeing something like this in some paper out there so since I’m not gonna be here too much longer, I won’t bother. At least I hope to hell I’m not here too much longer, let alone jail. Now here’s the main point of the conversation I had with that woman, who, by the way, took my number to give to some people she knows, but I know better.

The woman named Nancy, now that I remember it, had an idea about Maliheh which I never thought of or considered after I told her the story. In my mind, I’d say she’s only got a 10% chance of being right, but I’ll write about it anyway. I have nothing better to do.

At one point during our conversation, I was telling her how every person I’ve ever wanted and tried to pursue, brushed me off or really slapped me in the face with serious rejection. The more I wanted someone, the more severely they rejected me even if I pursued them respectfully. Without getting pushy, I mean. I told her that is why when I want someone, I’ll never approach them again. Ever. I also expressed my belief that God is influencing these things to happen and that I didn’t know why. I could almost be sure that if I picked 10 ugly women and hit on them, 8 or 9 out of the 10 would be flattered and take me up on my proposition. The 1 or 2 that brush me off, would do so kindly. That’s more than bad luck or a coincidence to me. That’s a case of it’s not meant to be.

So anyway, I told her how interested Maliheh seemed and how she flipped on me when I left that “Dear John” message, as she called it. Nancy felt she had flipped cuz she really wanted me and still did and couldn’t handle my rejection. She said that people have strange ways of reacting. If this is true then I wonder why we never got together for a week. This happened after we met and not only did I sense maybe she wasn’t interested after all but knew God would not allow me to have her. Plus, yes I’m scared to death of people for so many reasons and that awkward feeling came over me despite how much I was attracted to her. So I figured, if I didn’t dump her, she’d dump me or time would go on with me never having her. I like to chase, guess and wonder but not forever. I also only want to capture for one night but I know it’ll never happen as long as I live. Like I said, to me, Nancy has a very very slim chance of being right with her theory. I believe she really didn’t want me after all and was truly pissed when she thought that I thought she wanted me. If she felt so hurt and rejected, then I’d think she’d try harder and not give up so easily and get as pissed off as one would get if they lost a winning lottery ticket for a million bucks. I’d like to believe Nancy’s right, but my past history tells me otherwise. There have been too many others who have found out I liked them through me or by someone else and believe me when I say they weren’t too happy. They were quite angry.

Maybe I should get a sign that says ‘I’m not straight, I just look it’ if I want to go out again.