Mom was here last Friday the 13th. If anyone has to visit on Friday the 13th, it would have to be her. A double curse for sure. It was hell at times, of course. One minute she’d be ok, the next bitchy and bossy. She tells me she understands my feelings yet I still feel as if she wants me to be what she wants. I feel as if she’s trying to control me and doesn’t want to see me take any chances or succeed in any way. I feel she could care less about me wanting a part-time lover or a kid or to be a singer.

Tammy and I had a good talk about that and she told me to keep my chin up and to do what I want to do. How can I, though? I feel I no longer have any choice but to settle for what I don’t want, be it a job or a lover.

Mom called me from Tammy’s which is where she went after she left here the next day saying she’s going to be back Wednesday and we’ll talk. When I asked her what we’d talk about she told me she’d like to see me near the family and that family’s important. Asking me to give up my dream for anyone is asking way too much and proves to me all the more that she’s out to control me. At this point, however, I know I’ll never have what I want so I’ll just start doing what everyone else wants. Now I know for sure I’ll never be a singer so why not move to Connecticut? Plus, I know even if I went to a bar 7 days a week, I’ll never have what I want, so it doesn’t matter that I’ll be 100% cut off from that either.

Later...

I screwed up my schedule again. I need to try and get back on days as ma will be here Wednesday and Kim and I are going to the Big E on Friday.

I forgot to mention after I last wrote that when ma was here she brought some food, of course. At one point she and I were opening a big huge can of chocolate pudding. Right before we opened this huge can, I put my guitar up against the stove and was dying to play. I hadn’t played in a few months, put the string on that Bob got me and cut my nails which were really long. So what did mom do after we opened the can? Walked right into it, knocked it over and broke two strings. She’s sending me all 6 strings which I’ll probably get tomorrow. There are two reasons I’m sort of glad she broke them rather than me. That’s cuz she can afford to replace them and I can’t. Also, she sure was a lot nicer after she did that. She even felt guilty enough, even without me accusing her of doing it on purpose which I did to blow off steam. That was cruel to blame her and take it out on her but I guess being the way she is made it easier to do that. Normally I wouldn’t do that to someone. As I said, ma brought some food and two tank tops and a pair of pants. She hemmed the pants and also took in that gorgeous dress I got a few months ago at the sides.

We went out and browsed around the Yankee Candle Co. and ate lunch outside at their picnic table. We also looked into some other shops which are newly built and were mostly of jewelry and knickknacks and plenty of old stuff. She bought me a bracelet and some beads and some of that colored yarn that’s more like string. Last night I made Lisa, Becky and Sarah a beaded bracelet and also began to make one of those colored cloth bracelets. The one with the backward 4’s that’s sort of is like macramé, that the bitch, Michelle that lived with me on Locust St. taught me.

Speaking of good old Jenny C, we had our day in court on Sept. 12th, and as figured, it was dismissed. Poor Jenny. She’s no doubt rip-shitting pissed. I mean, she really wanted to get me good. Andy laughed when I told him about it.

Besides making those bracelets, I made another string of all my different colored beads on a wire string. This is the 4th one and it has a pretty clear glass heart on it and I hung it in the kitchen window/door on a suction cup. I also made a placemat and intend to make 5 for Tammy, Bill and the girls but my first one’s just a wee bit too small. It would even look good hung on the wall. I made it by taking a rectangular piece of cardboard and cutting 18 little slits on the long ends. I took that stringy yarn and wrapped it round and round, hooking it into each slit, then secured it on the back with tape. Then I’d cut long pieces of regular yarn, double it and weave it over and under across the whole thing. After that was done, I cut the strings in the back half and tied them on the ends where I started weaving and finished weaving. Then I made tassels on the 4 corners.

Later...

Tammy and I, as I said before, had a long talk and she said that a lot of people made money when they first entered the music business by selling their songs. She said she heard this on MTV. I like the idea of that a lot but finding the address to send these songs to would be like trying to find a needle in a haystack. Andy said to try the library and look under music publishing. Good idea.