In an hour and a half or so, I’m going to go get my bangs trimmed. The girl that does my hair is cute but has extremely short hair and there’s another one who’s drop-dead gorgeous. Really long hair, a nice face, a nice body, and oh so straight. Is there anybody else like me in this world? I mean, this is the type to bet on and always win. Betting on if she’s straight or gay. If I bet she was straight before finding out how true that is I’d win all the time. This is the type you know without asking, and are 100% sure she’s straight. Of course, I’d never ask anyway. Also, she’s good looking so she’s definitely mean.

Damn! There’s nothing like having the average guy want me, the average gay woman rejecting me, and me not wanting the average gay woman. I don’t want just about any gay woman. I hate wanting a real woman and the gay ones look like men. Like I said, if I was looking for a relationship, that’d be unrealistic, but all I want is one night. One fucking night when I finally can experience lust and that real spark and then I’ll gladly go on carrying it in my head like always. Why is God so determined to stop me? How many more times must I go to bed with someone I’m not attracted to till he lets me have my way? If I can never go to bed with someone attractive, then God, give me the gift of not caring about looks like most people don’t. That way I can still have fun with a few one-night stands a year. I’m absolutely not going to get in bed again with an ugly or just a so-so person ever again. If I’d been straight, I’d get a zillion offers from all kinds of women. Thank God for one thing, though, and that’s that I don’t want a relationship and I’m not bullshitting. I’d never lie in this book and if I knew then what I know now, things would’ve been different. Like I said before, though, it’s normal in your late teens or early 20s to feel the way I used to whether you’re gay or straight. Everyone’s naïve and impractical at that age. But after you go through the experience of learning all about life and people, most people remain suckers and just can’t be independent and they’re desperate and they settle. I have self-respect. Same thing with singing and having a baby. I may have fooled myself about being a singer longer than I should have but I know now I’ll never make it. I don’t want to have a kid as much as I did but I do still think about it and was wrong about that, too. Yes, you do have to be rich to have a kid. If not rich, then close to it.