Well, I’ve known Tom for two years as of today. God, that’s amazing!

Anyway, what my parents sent wasn’t a card or a letter. It was a newspaper article with a picture of my dad in it holding one of the flags they sell. Apparently, a law was passed, then tossed out, about businesses putting up flags that’d make the place look like a circus. It never was intended, though, to stop people from decorating their homes. This would’ve also meant bad business for them and as I said in a letter I typed them, people should have the right to decorate as they wish and not be controlled.

I jokingly asked Dad how much he was paid for his modeling contract. Also, I’d use the search mode to make sure I didn’t leave the letter ‘l’ out of the word flags.

I had a discussion earlier with Tom on how I feel he’s indirectly blaming me for reasons why he doesn’t cum. I said, first it was my attitude, then certain things I’d wear that don’t create tan lines as he likes, then my talk of getting pregnant. Next, how do I know it won’t be cuz I have red nail polish on or whatever? He reassured me it was not my fault and that I can’t control his dick, but that I should control, worry, and take care of myself and give him the benefit of the doubt. Meaning, wear what I want and don’t worry about him. Another example he gave me was when he said he doesn’t believe in premonitions and vibes but doesn’t try to change my opinion of it. In other words, it’s OK for me to believe he could’ve always cum at any time, but don’t throw it up in his face and challenge it. The man has a point. How do I really know for sure what’s on his mind about what he says about not cumming? I should do unto him as I expect him to do unto me. He takes me for face value, gives me the benefit of the doubt, lets me think and feel as I please, and doesn’t tell me what to wear and do. This excludes if he says - Jodi can you please get me a soda? Or - can I help you decide what to wear occasionally?

There are times when I like and ask him to pick out outfits for me. I know he appreciates all the little things I do for him, and that to him they’re big things that all add up. Still, I sometimes feel slow, stupid, and inadequate cuz I love him so much that all the more I want to be able to make him happy. I know it’s harder for me to wait for certain things, whether or not they’ll happen. He said I accepted waiting for a dishwasher easier, for example, but to me, that’s cuz it’s a material thing and those are easier to wait for.

Later...

I am in a lazy mood as I begin this journal.

Getting back to our earlier conversation about acceptance. He was saying I was getting worse at not accepting some things I can’t have right now, as I did with the dishwasher. The dishwasher is a material thing, but I would just totally love to be able to do that with the singing and the kid as easily as it is to say so. I want to be able to say to myself that if I can ever have a kid, I can’t have one now, and if I can, it’ll possibly be months from now or maybe even a few years. People don’t normally get pregnant just like that.

I should’ve known him better and I should’ve known that when he said I’d be pregnant soon, maybe he really did think that and that he wasn’t knowingly, intentionally, and deliberately trying to lead me on or play with my head.

I cooked up some spag and potatoes earlier, so I think I’ll go chow down now. I also typed a letter to my folks as well as one for Kim and one for her to mail to Doug. Soon, after eating, I may do some editing, work on my story, do puzzles, or whatever. I also have my library book to read. Maybe I’ll call the radio station and see if I can request a few songs.

Later...

I got the bandages off, so why am I still getting headaches? They’re not serious and painful, but they’re annoying. It can’t be my hair. My hair’s not that long anymore.