Andy was over to pick up today’s soaps I taped for him (now yesterday’s soaps). He said his VCR is now fixed perfectly and they demonstrated this to him when he had it fixed before he took it home. He didn’t stay. He was only here to get the tape, but he had said, “You look good tonight. Do you want me to take your picture?”

No, I told him, cuz I had no makeup on and didn’t feel like putting some on just for pictures.

Another line Tom said suggesting he wants to wait on the kid regardless of what he says popped into my mind. He said I really should improve on my “now or never” attitude. That my saying we’ll have a kid later than never is a big help to his “little problem.” I’m not even gonna bother to question him on this for two reasons. Cuz he’ll only insist I read his statement all wrong, and I know we’ll never have one. Therefore, it’s useless to really worry about what’s on his mind.

He went down on me tonight and tomorrow he says he wants to screw, but I don’t know. Yes, I love to screw, but even if I didn’t want a kid 100% of the time, it just feels weird knowing the guy’s only doing it for a hard-on. Then after banging away for 10-20 minutes, he’ll pull out, still hard as a rock, and say he’s ”content.” How weird! Is there any other guy like him? One who only gets hard, but never cums?

He hasn’t mentioned us sleeping together even on his days off and I know it’ll be a very long time until and if we sleep together. I wonder if it’s cuz of his so-called wet dreams. Is he afraid that I’ll feel and see that the sheets are wet and feel angry or hurt? This has just gotten to be way too weird.

He’s gotten a lot of shit done lately, but still, so many things are a joke. The bee machine. The cigarette machine. And now he says that in a week or so he’ll get the business license. Oh please! Give me a break! Who does he think he’s kidding?

I feel bad for Alex who broke up with Mary, but I had to laugh at one of the reasons why. I guess she cheated on him, but I guess she also had a problem with dryness. Then he said sorry to share that with me, which is no problem for me. I wanted so badly to slap back with, oh yeah! Well, my guy here says he wants a kid, we’re very ready and the time’s right, but he won’t cum! Never has, never will. What do you make of that? Not to mention what DES can do to a woman’s reproductive system and a God who doesn’t give a damn.

Anyway, getting it all out in here helps, as well as keeping focused on my many hobbies and the cons of having a kid. I will get through this phase. I’m sure others who can’t have kids go through their cycles too, and I’m determined to one day get over this. Just wish I knew when!

What shall I do now? Bead or read? I don’t know, but I’ll figure it out.

Later...

Holy shit! I cannot believe what Andy just told me, even though I know he wouldn’t bullshit me. He warned me that it’d be far out, but there was no way he’d make this up. I know him.

I haven’t wanted to think about or talk to anyone about Robin’s visit and it’s not that I couldn’t tell Tom, but I definitely want to tell Andy.

He didn’t finish his story and I didn’t tell him mine, cuz his friend Michelle came over. They’re going to go collect more of Stevie’s garbage.

We were talking about how he was scared to walk by his 6 or 7 visitors of his neighbor. Then he prayed and all was alright. They were friendly and didn’t give him any shit or say anything gay to him.

Again I asked why praying worked for him and not me. Especially big prayers. He said I really should get down on my knees when I pray and don’t give up on it, even if the prayers aren’t granted. He said praying for others helps, too. I have, though. I prayed for him to help Tom too, but if Tom’s so insistent and set on holding out, no one can help him but himself.

We’ll see, but anyway, as we were gabbing he said he saw something really weird. A shadow of what he believed was a black man appeared and disappear on a wall. He told me since he’s been there that he believes it’s haunted. He doesn’t know why.

I suggested he try to find out if anyone was murdered in there and he said, “That’s all I’d need to know.” Meaning he doesn’t want to know if that’s the case.

He mentioned talking to someone who reads palms and deals with entities, but we didn’t get into it too far cuz of Michelle’s arrival.

Here’s what he did say - one night he was lying wide awake in total darkness on his bed. He said he couldn’t see anything but could feel a guy crawl onto the bed from the foot of it. Then he raped Andy. He said it wasn’t painful like a real rape, but he could feel his dick sliding in and out of his butt. Then when he came, he rubbed his dick across the cheeks of his butt and he could feel that as well. He said even the next day it felt as if something had been up his butt, but there was no pain.

So anyway, he said it took him a while for a name to come to him, but finally, the name Greg came to him.

I can’t wait to hear the rest of this tomorrow. He said he won’t be home till midnight. I told him I should be up, so to call when he can. I want to share my experience with Robin with him and see if he thinks it was real or my imagination. Oh, I’d love to believe it was my imagination, but I’m about 85 - 95% sure it wasn’t. Well, at least she didn’t harm me or scare me. That shit with the knocking or tapping I heard when I asked God for a sign that he heard me was different. That scared me!

Andy said he believes everyone has a guardian angel and that they’re the ones who work for God and hear your prayers. Then they take it to God and he deals with it and makes a decision about it.

He believes in heaven, and I asked him where he thinks it is, and he wonders if they’re inside one of the planets we can’t explore. That’s an interesting theory or thing to wonder about.

He said you can’t fool God as Tom said. You know how I say that if you’re a druggie, an asshole, or don’t want a kid, you get one? Well, I certainly don’t want to be a druggie or an asshole, but I thought that if I could convince God that I was dead set against having a child, He’d grant us one, but I very seriously doubt it. On the other hand, I believe His intentions for keeping me childless are loving and protecting, too. Like He doesn’t want my worst fears about it to become a reality. Maybe it’s both. Maybe both my theories are right. Any other possibility eludes me at this time as to why He won’t allow us a child. If there’s another answer, it may take years to find it out. Some things that have happened to me that have been good, bad, or neither, have taken me years to figure out. I just wish more of my life could be dictated by me.

Later...

I hope to have no more encounters with Robin, but need I really be afraid if I do? Can she thoroughly know me and look in on me like I believe God can? Does she know everything I think, feel, believe, fear, hate, like, love, etc.? I always believed spirits of our dead loved ones could. I just hope they don’t when I’m having sex.

Can Robin read all my journals? Should I try to influence any contact with her? Maybe I shouldn’t cuz then if anything happens it’d more than likely be my imagination in a case like that. Right? I’ll have to think about it, but in the meantime, I’ve remembered a couple of other things.

I’ve also learned things about her I couldn’t and shouldn’t know, but I just know. I just do know them.

The night I talked her to sleep when I stood with her in her cabin she mentioned or said, “She’ll stay on the bed.” Meaning her dog, which I believe did sleep with me. Then something about how the dog liked me, which she said in the morning.

I wish that Polaroid she gave me was still with me. Better yet, I wish it were a picture of her she gave me.

There were two twin beds in that tiny cabin. I wonder who, if anyone, slept on that other bed normally? Perhaps that explains one of the things I now “just know.”

An adult usually slept there who was maybe sick or had to go wherever cuz she was only 16 when I was 9! When I suddenly knew this I said - 16! But how? I thought she was 20-25 back then, but I suppose a 16-year-old could look or appear 20-25 to a 9-year-old. That would make her 36 now if she were alive, not 40-something, and she died at age 26.

Would they allow a 16-year-old to take a 9-year-old overnight? Yeah, I suppose they would at a camp. I think I do remember her asking the counselor in my cabin if she could take me and the counselor saying something like, yeah take her.

I wonder why she was in that small cabin. Why not in one with other campers? Maybe she was a backup. Meaning, if a counselor in a cabin got sick, she’d go to that cabin.

I wish I could remember what we talked about. I think she was involved with the campers and their activities. Maybe sports. I was a really big storyteller back then with all kinds of tall tales. I believe I was trying to convince 1-3 counselors I was bionic at a picnic table. I wonder if she was there to hear that one. It had to have been the summer of ‘74 when I was 9. I called Andy to ask what year The Bionic Woman came out to make sure the years are right, but I’m quite sure they are.

Later...

Here’s what I know about Robin: It’s all good stuff. The only negs are she’s rather quiet. Not as quiet as Brenda was, though! Maybe not too intelligent. She didn’t have many skills, but she wasn’t stupid. She was always thin and kind of fit. She was never pretty and feminine, or ugly and dyky. She was plain. She always had her hair between her shoulders to nearly her middle back. Always a plain/casual dresser. No makeup, or the types of clothes I’d wear. No high heels, either. No drugs or violence of any kind. She was great with kids but never had any. Never married. Her income was mostly average. She had 1-2 roommates at one or more times on her own, then had either an apartment or a condo. Nah - maybe a duplex. Some kind of townhouse. She had an OK childhood. Never had many friends. She preferred to be alone. She wasn’t close with her family, but she wasn’t enemies with them, either. She may have been a Phys. ed. teacher at a school during the years. She had about two lovers and was gay.

Back when she knew me she either sensed or knew I had trouble at home and wished she could keep me. Not as a lover, though, at the ages we were. Now, she wishes we could be together if she were alive. She loves me and considers us soul mates that weren’t meant to be. This is all like - wow! Huh? I mean, it’s been 20 years for God’s sake, so I know it’s real. Especially when I hardly ever thought of her, even though I always remembered her. Why else would that experience have happened? Why else would I know all this information?

Later...

Thank God I’m not watching anything on TV right now. The pigs are swarming around right now in their helicopters like crazy and that interferes with the reception. Something big must be going down right now.

They say by Monday or Tuesday we could be in for some T-storms, so I hope there’s either nothing good on then or it’s no big deal to me if there is.

Got the clit vibrator today and I really love it! There’s still nothing like when Tom and I have fun, but the vibe is for when I get horny when he’s working or asleep it’s great. At first I thought to myself, this feels great, but I’m never gonna cum by this. I did, though, with no problem.

I got a surprise when I called Tammy’s today. It sounded noisy and I asked, “Have you got company?”

She said, “Yeah, I’ve got company”

So, I offered to call her back and she told me to hang on. Then I heard, “Jodi Lin!”

I was like - Dad?!

Yup, he’s there till Sunday, then he’ll be in Brimfield, MA doing the flea market.

He jokingly said, “I came here again cuz I like Tammy better.” I told him I was jealous, and I am to a degree, cuz I miss him and everyone else a lot.

Tom helped remind me that it’s perfectly OK to miss my family, they love me, miss me, and are proud of me, but Tammy needs them more. This is true, then Tom said, “Don’t tell Tammy this, but I think the main reason he’s there is cuz of the flea market.”

That’s true too, and we all know that.

I told Tom about some of the talks Andy and I had, and he found it quite interesting and funny. Of course, I never mentioned his black ghost or Robin and yes, I’ve had more experiences with her, but I’m not gonna get into it now.

Tom and I kind of both agree that it’d be awfully hard to fit billions and billions of spirits inside planets. I don’t think you leave the earth forever cuz then I wouldn’t have had the experiences I’ve had with Nana and Pa. I think you can be anywhere, anytime.