I got caught up on my sleep but woke up too soon this morning tight and wheezy. Luckily, with Tom wacking my back and some coffee, it got under control fast enough. Then I went back to sleep.

Dr. Rausch is now my primary doctor. I haven’t had any Theodur in almost 48 hours! I feel great. He told me to up the dosages on both of the inhalers to curb the inflammation and the too many white blood cells which they now believe causes adult asthma. Along with irritants like cigarettes, too. I probably won’t have to see Dr. Rausch again for 4-5 months.

Earlier I asked Tom point-blank if he was not having sex with me to punish me. After being with him for this long, and if our relationship were to be platonic from here on out, I could get by for the bulk of the time. I love him too much to leave him and I guess this is why the one-sided sex we’ve always had bothers me so much. I love him so much that I want to get him off, not just make him hard. His being so against a kid makes me feel not good enough for him sexually. I know that the bottom line, though, is that if he’s so dead set against cumming, then I can’t change that no matter how I am in bed.

Anyway, I’d have preferred to have had our own kid, but here’s a note I left him anyway.

Dear Tom,

I just wanted to write all these thoughts/questions down for you while they were fresh in my head. Well, as you know, in my honest opinion and belief I’ve never seen any reason to believe that I can ever get pregnant. Therefore, I figured I could do 1 of 2 things.

1. Never have one of our own.

2. Adopt a teenager who’s going through the same BS with the system I went through.

My big questions are - would they let someone with a record adopt? Would they let us adopt with an income of under 40 grand a year? Would they let us adopt with only one income and with the fact that I’m not working out of the house? Well, if you’re interested in discussing this and like this idea, I think we should check into it as soon as there’s time cuz I’ve heard that it takes years to adopt. Especially older kids and I believe thoroughly, strongly, and truly that this will be our only chance to have a kid. It hurts and I didn’t want it to go this way, but if I can save some other poor girl from the hell I went through, I’m willing to do whatever I can. I feel I owe you, my family, and God this much.

Later...

My guess is that Tom will be totally psyched about the idea. If he’ll do anything about it is another. I was always against the idea of adopting, but feelings do change and when you want a kid, you want a kid. Why it takes so long to adopt, beats me. Are there really that many other victims of sterility out there?

To try out the new colored pencils I got, I not only decorated envelopes, but I drew a girl in the weirdest and strangest way ever. Not only does her hair have many colors but she’s got different colored eyes, eyebrows, eyelashes, etc. It actually looks kind of cool, though.

We went out to Denny’s today and to Office Max. He got some disks, mailers, and labels for the business. I got two blue pens and was bummed cuz they were out of their boxes of multicolored ones. Precise, the brand I use, makes blue, black, red, green and purple. They have 4-packs of blue, black, red and green, but were out. I also got clear plastic folders (100 of them) to put my drawings in to protect them. We got a paper cutter. Two super balls to play with in the pool as the one I had got lost.

He also picked up brackets to make another table for the back room. That way we can de-clutter the desks and the floor. I’ve been helping him sort tools, resistors, etc.

I picked up cards for Tammy’s birthday and my parent’s anniversary. Believe it or not, I kind of felt it unfair of me not to send my nephew Larry a birthday card, so I made him one earlier.

I typed up letters to Kim, Tammy, and my parents and will be doing one for Andy.

Wonder if I’ll get a letter from Minnie on Monday? Or Andy? Or my parents?

Monday I’ll be calling Barbara at the JCC at the number on her card. I hope she’s got news for me. I don’t sense it, although I didn’t sense I’d hear about Charlie the last time we spoke. Anyway, Charlie’s no use to me without info.

It was 121º yesterday! There was only 10% humidity, but that’s hot! For the last 3 days, the temps have been 118º - 121º making this house feel like all the other summers in here. A sauna!

Tom’s gonna have me model a life-size picture to promote the printing program. We’re also gonna superimpose more pictures.