I have so much to write about, it’s pitiful. Again, I wish I wrote when things were fresh in my mind. As time goes on and more stuff happens, my mind goes blank.

All had been fine and Tom said it looks possible for us to go see my family in the spring of ‘96. He told me that right before he went to bed, then an hour later, it hit me. One of those strong, sure, dead-set feelings I’m almost never wrong on. We are going to see my family which is great, but there’ll be no kid. He said, “If the kid is delayed we’ll go, but if you’re pregnant we won’t go. It’s as simple as that.”

We’re going. But I did figure as much anyway.

Despite all the pros of not having a kid, I was so angry as I was lying in bed that night. (two nights ago) Through my tears, anger, and frustration, I said, “God, I want to know why? What’s on your mind? Why are so many things in this world so unfair? Me and my friend Andy have prayed several times, but it’s quite obvious You don’t want us to have a child, so I’m not even gonna beg for one. I just want to know why. Are we too good? Not good enough? Is it not a good or right thing for us? Will it really ruin our marriage? Would it really kill us physically or mentally? Is it because we’re not losers, abusers, or druggies? Why, why, why?”

Then it happened. An experience I’ll never forget and will never ever tell Tom, or anyone else for that matter. Before I get into it, though, I’d like to mention a few other things that we discussed. I was confused by his telling me to never give up. Then why the decision to either get a hysterectomy or go on the pill in January? He said January’s when I decide if I still want one. (like he knew there wouldn’t be one)

I’d love to be as against it as I’m against gangs. Realistically, though, and like he said, I think I’m always gonna feel the same. I’m also gonna feel that he doesn’t really want one no matter how many times he says he does unless he ever cums. Maybe the reason why he insists he wants one is so I don’t believe he doesn’t. I asked him if he’d honestly tell me if he thought it’d be years from now until and if we had a kid and he said yes. Well, right now when he says he thinks I’m very ready, this is a good time, and that I can get pregnant, it means nothing to me till I see a certain action in bed.

Oh shit! Tom and I both forgot his promise to write in here. Oh, well, there are always other days. I’m starving now, so after I take a break I’ll write more later.

Later...

After I was letting God know just how angry I was, I was all of a sudden overwhelmed with a calming, soothing, and comfortable source. No, it wasn’t my grandparents. It was Robin. I don’t know how I know or remember her name, but I just know her name is Robin M. She wasn’t by my bed long, but she said stuff like, hang on. God doesn’t hate you. Your remaining dreams will come true, etc.

First, though, I could feel her take hold of my arm, but not really feel it in the way that I would if Tom took hold of my arm.

She began by telling me she died 10 years ago of cancer, but that God makes the rules and that spiritually she was not allowed to connect with me in any way till now. She didn’t say why. She told me she always has and always will love me and that I was truly special to her.

I tried to ward the whole experience off. Tried to tell myself it wasn’t real. It wasn’t happening. I wish I could say it was all my imagination, but I know she was here. In the end, she said there were some things she missed about “life,” but that overall it wasn’t bad where she is, and that she’ll see me there someday, but not for a long time.

Larry called Sunday which is cool. The other Larry picked up another phone saying he needed it and Larry was teasing him saying, “What are you gonna do about it, big man?”

So when Larry told him I was on the phone, we exchanged quick hellos. He enjoyed the edits and the video.

When I said we were planning on me singing Desperado to music on the computer, he said to send him a tape. That shocked me cuz he used to hate my singing along with myself and most others years ago. Well, I’m sure that through talks with Mom and Dad and me singing on a few edits, he knows I’ve improved over the years.

He’s thinking of going back out on the road to stay and that eventually both Larrys will drive together and maybe own a truck or more. Yeah, I can see them driving together.

Later...

I’ve been doing quite a bit with the beads. I made 3 necklaces for my nieces which I’ll send out tomorrow, along with a letter to Kim. I made Tom a bracelet. I made myself a bracelet and a necklace and also a bolo tie. I made a strip of beads with the bead loom and plan on making a beaded barrette. We bought a barrette with nothing on it at the art store, as well as pin backings, needles, needle threaders, and silver metallic thread.

I still plan to expand on more ideas. I’m currently working on a coil bracelet that I’d wrap around my wrist several times.

Andy was over late Sunday night and agreed that I do look like I have a tan. I showed him labels, beads, and my 3-D journal.

Then I taught him the intro I figured out to an Abba song that I hate and he loves. We played a little keyboard and I forgot that I knew how to play If I Were You by Stevie. He taught me shortly after we met up again.

My day didn’t start off on a good note today. Tom said I was having a “crisis” cuz I felt feverish.

I was? Since when is feeling warm a crisis? It was warm in here, though.

He put a regular white blind up over the outside of the living room window the day I got the 60-drawer cabinet for the beads, so that’ll help.

I told him, though, don’t ask for me to tell you what bothers me mentally or physically if it’s gonna upset you.

Earlier this evening was quite a riot, though. He had to go to bed early cuz he’s got to get up early, so we lit the box of sparklers Ma gave us before it was dark.