This was definitely not a good day for me back in 1981. I went into the Brattleboro Retreat in Brattleboro, Vermont on this day till December 18th or 19th. Or maybe even the 16th or 17th. Somewhere in the teens. I can’t remember the day I went into Valleyhead. All I know is that it was August of ‘82. I definitely left in August of ‘84. It may have been August 24th. July 23rd means something to me, too. Was that the day my first guinea pig Penny died that I’d had for two years? Or was it the day I flew back from where my sister was living in Texas?

One of these days I’ll have to write up all the major events I can remember and try to put their correct ages and year to them as a reference.

With the exception of going to appointments and doing errands, I wish it were 105º - 115º every day of the year.

I love being able to use the pool, have a little color, and it’s quiet. I haven’t known that next door exists. Sure, I hear his van come and go, but he comes and goes and doesn’t sit there with it running for 45 minutes. I almost never hear their dog. I asked Tom if he’s heard their other dog and he said no, so I guess they were only dog-sitting. I hope so. I no longer have to worry about kids or music (I hope), but I hope this coming winter will be the quietest one here with no van or dogs.

Today we went swimming and I helped vacuum the pool. I also sorted some tools for him.

Never again will I ever even try going to chat live with Alex. There’s always a problem. We tried to send each other instant messages which wouldn’t work, so finally I sent an email message saying how something was wrong somewhere - sorry - but fuck this shit.

When I told Tom I finished my story, he shocked me by saying he wants to read it. I reminded him that it’s nearly 6 journals and that he may not have time. He said he’d make the time. He said he didn’t want to read it till it was finished, cuz it’d be hard to read something that he didn’t know where it’d lead to. Make sense to me.

Later I’ll write about the hypnosis book Tom had, but now I want to dub more convos.

Later...

Today it felt like all the other summers I was here inside the house. It was nearly 85º in here and it was 116º outside. The sucky thing is that they say it’ll be very humid this weekend and the temp will only drop to about 112º. Tammy said that it was 96º with 90% humidity where she is today. It was only 11% humid today here, so that’s a huge difference.

I finished dubbing the backup convos for Andy. He’ll be getting 3 tapes.

I haven’t wanted to write about this yet, as I’m still not very good at writing up on terrible things. Last Tuesday night was horrible. I haven’t blown up or felt that angry, pissed, confused, or depressed in a long time. I felt contradicted by Tom and like he understood a lot about me, but also didn’t get a lot of things I said. We both said a lot of mean stuff to each other, although he always says we shouldn’t blame each other for whatever.

At one point during my rage, I smashed a porcelain doll. He claimed to be all upset about it saying I gave it to him to decorate the bookshelves with. When I said I didn’t feel it’d be any loss to him, he wouldn’t believe me, but I feel that he said that cuz I say I don’t believe a few things he’s said.

I was hoping he’d be man enough to finally come out and tell me, one, he’s just not into me sexually, and two, he doesn’t want a kid. Instead, though, he’s still lying about it and insisting he wants one. The guy’s never gonna stop bullshitting me. I mean, really! The guy’s so against having a kid that he’s willing to sacrifice a normal sex life for the rest of his life. He’s too damn stubborn to cum.

No, I don’t hate sex with him. Yes, I mostly like it one-sided where he takes care of me, but every now and then, regardless of the kid issue, I just wish he’d be into it too. I wish he’d at least cum every now and then and show me how much he likes me in bed. I know he does to a degree, otherwise he wouldn’t get hard like he does every time.

He’s a great “platonic lover” so to speak, but sexually? I just don’t know anymore. Is it really worth it when I can just take care of myself? I always did say that sex does complicate things.

Also, due to my saying I hated him at one point during my rage, he said he couldn’t have sex for a while with me cuz he couldn’t have sex with someone that hated him. Well, he knows I didn’t mean it, I knew he didn’t mean some things he said to me, so it’s all just a punishment as far as I’m concerned. Fine. Cuz I don’t think I could have sex with him for a long long time either. I’m sick of having sex with someone who’s only slightly turned on by me and who lies to me by saying they want a kid when I know they really don’t. I think we’re both better off taking care of our own selves sexually, never sleeping together and never having a kid. I’ll always miss not having a kid, but that kid will just destroy this marriage. This marriage may be way better than most, but when we’re fighting, we don’t need a third party around, or extra pressure put on this relationship.

The next morning, he kissed me, said he loved me and that we should move forward, so that was good.

Later...

Andy just called from his friend Pam’s house. He’s gonna call back later about coming over.

Yesterday Tom brought up an interesting theory. Maybe God was testing me to see if I really wanted a kid. Of course, I think both God and himself could be testing him. He’s probably stalling on telling me the truth while hoping I’ll eventually come out and say I’ve changed my mind. He’s always told me no one will make me have a kid, but never that no one will make me not have a kid.

I know it’s not in God’s cards for me and that God won’t allow it no matter what, but Tom reminded me to be true to myself. To make sure I analyze my feelings about it which I’ve done. I want one, but have a lot of fears and doubts. I asked him if he does this and he said yes. He also says that even if he has fears and doubts about whatever, he still believes in striving for things he wants cuz everything in life has risks, fears, and doubts. He said one of the risks he took by marrying me was that I could’ve taken his family away from him and cut him off from them which I’d never do. I told him how in the beginning I was afraid he was gonna try cutting me off from those I know. I’m glad we worked through that, though, and can compromise. I know he’d never try doing that and we both agreed and admitted we all can have our jealous moments.

If he were to screw with another woman every now and then, I’d be jealous if he got off with her and not me. If he got off with her and me, that’d be fine.

The bottom line is that he knows I love him and that he’s #1 and vice versa. I only wish he’d stop playing with my head and stop bullshitting me!

God - please let him be able to come out and tell me we can’t have a kid! I just want him to get it out so we can move on. Not that we won’t be moving on with our lives anyway. We have to. We have too many other things to live for. Things we wanna do. Things we gotta do.