Right now, I could be in a better mood than I’m in right now, but first, I’ll update other stuff.

I got lucky the other day and did two OK drawings and one really good one. They were of the sexy cards in the back of this book.

Yesterday I got Sarah’s 14-page letter. It would’ve equaled the 6 typed pages I sent her, but she wrote big and only on one side of the pages. It was great, though, and she’s much more intelligent than I thought. I expected a carbon copy of Karson (they hate each other, by the way). Her letter was all serious and her envelope was decorated very nicely.

I sent her a 6-page letter today and I also sent a copy to Andy.

I created 3 new files on the computer. Instead of doing all my letters in the ltrs file, I created Karsar for Karson and Sarah, Kimbob for Kim and Bob and Partam for my parents and Tammy.

We got Windows 95 today, an upgraded version of Windows. We’re not sure if we’re gonna like it yet, but at least it has a 30-day trial thing.

I can’t believe it, but Tammy finally sent us 7 pictures. The girls are really growing up and Lisa’s already getting a chest. I cried cuz I miss them so much and Tom understood. I really really hope to see them this spring since we’ll never have a kid. Bill is totally bald, but otherwise he looks healthier than I thought. I thought he’d be very thin after all he’s gone through, but he’s not. Tammy was the hardest to see cuz her two shots were further away. She still looked the same except for her hair color. It’s a goldish color and still as short as it always was.

I slept till 6 PM today, so I don’t know how the hell I’m gonna get to the 5 PM appointment Monday. I feel punished and like this appointment wasn’t meant to be, but for Tom’s sake and peace of mind, I’ll just follow the damn thing through.

Later...

I just had a good cry and that made me feel a little better.

Later, I can go exercise my stomach and the hips God gave me for the child I’ll never carry. Although it’s getting easier, I’m still depressed, frustrated and angry about not being able to have a child.

Tom insists he wants one and isn’t playing games and that I can express my feelings about it, but to stop calling him a liar. Well, I can stop calling him a liar cuz he already knows how I feel, but I can’t stop feeling what I’m feeling.

I wish I could always thoroughly blame myself. I know I can’t have a child even if he would cum, but sometimes I just feel it’d be easier if a doctor told me that for sure. That way I could be 100% sure instead of 99.9% sure and it’d make it easier in certain ways. I’d still feel depressed and angry at God, but not so teased and upset at Tom. There’d be no blame to feel towards him.

I blame him. I blame myself. I blame God.

What did I do wrong? Why is it that God and Tom are doing this to me? Would it really kill me? Would I really be that bad of a mother? Would it really ruin our marriage and end our lives? Or is it cuz we’d be too good at it and that’s not what God wants? Especially with all the Kim’s getting pregnant in this world. Last night Andy told me that Kim was dying to get pregnant. Anything to get attention longer. At first I asked myself why God would let her get pregnant if it was what she wanted. Then I remembered that she still qualifies. She’s still too young, too fucked up, broke, and on drugs.

What do I have to do to qualify? Become the biggest asshole this world’s ever known? What do I do wrong to become pregnant? What does Tom need to do in order to put his actions where his mouth is?

God will let most people who are too young, fucked up, doped out, or that don’t want kids to have them, but not me and my stable, drug-free, middle-class income husband. No. We’re just not bad enough. If I pranked some poor old man with a weak heart who I scared and killed, would that get me pregnant? I had most of the “qualifications” the few times I fucked with Ron and Bruce, so why didn’t I ever get pregnant then? I’m glad I didn’t, but I’d still like to know why.

This leads me to believe that the pregnancy and or childbirth would kill me and God doesn’t want me to die that way. Or maybe I’d be worse than my mother was, beat it to death, end up in jail all my life and God doesn’t want that for me either any more than I do, though I can’t imagine this.

There’s got to be a reason why God put me with a guy who doesn’t cum, which I know is rare. Does God want to tease me through Tom? As far as me believing Tom when he says he can’t cum and that it’s out of his control - no way. Cuz then he wouldn’t be able to get hard like he always does.

His attitude and comments drop too many hints that he’s against a kid. Earlier he said I was angry with him cuz he “hasn’t” made me pregnant, not cuz he “can’t” make me pregnant.

I believe it’s a jealousy issue and that he doesn’t have the faith he says he has as far as me being a good mother. Of course he’s gonna say I’d be a good mom and that he wants one. He’s got to. Gotta cover up the truth. One day he’s gonna break and tell me the truth. He can’t play this fucking game with me forever.

I feel lied to, I feel cheated, I feel punished. I feel angry at God, I feel angry at Tom, I feel angry at myself. I feel embarrassed and like a foolish little sucker. Just as I did when Scott MacNab pulled his fucking shit with me.

Tom says he prefers me not to take birth control. Fine. I don’t like the idea of having to pop pills all over again, but one of these days I’m gonna do for myself and get that hysterectomy.

Knowing the situation is the way it is and the way it’s gonna stay is one thing, but what do I do? Praying has been useless, I can’t make myself qualify, so now what? I know God’s not testing me or wanting me to wait until I get older. I know part of it is compensation.

I’m accepting never having a child a little bit, but I still have a ways to go. What can I do to finally bury it? How can I bury it forever?

I already know for sure that the new neighbors and their dogs will be a nightmare, so why can’t that be compensation in itself for a child? I know, I know. Pleading, begging and wishing are just totally useless. God will never allow me a child and neither will my husband.

Later...

I just played with Piggy who always makes me happy.

Andy and Karson left me messages, but I just don’t feel like doing the phone tonight.

I have things to do. I’ve got 33 more CDs to inventory, along with about 6 other things I want to get done. Or at least work on them.

Later...

I inventoried some more CDs and began re-editing Sally.

I left Andy a message letting him know I just wasn’t in the mood to talk on the phone cuz I wanted to catch up on stuff I do.

My mood could be worse right now, but it still could be better right now, too.

I wonder something else about Tom. Is the reason why he’s so good to me in lots of other ways to make up for his bullshit about the kid? I believe he’d still be good to me in many ways and buy me things, but would he as much if it weren’t for the kid issue?

Is there any possible way that someone in my family could’ve talked him into making sure I never get pregnant? Would my family risk bribing him for fear of him telling me about it? Yeah, I think they would.

Back when I was living on Oswego St. and Crystal was living with me, a similar situation happened. I know I wrote about this in my second journal or so, too. There was no issue of bribery, but when I pranked Nervous’s mother, his sister asked for my parent’s number which the bundle of nerves gave her. She (Nerv’s sister Judy) called my parents who lied left and right to Judy. They said I grew up in mental institutions, they were paying Crystal to watch me, etc. Well, Judy told this to Nervous who told it to me. I know this is exactly the kind of stuff my parents would say which I believe they later admitted. I think they knew it could very well get back to me and no, I don’t think they’re afraid to talk bullshit that I could find out about. I’m sure all they knew I could do about it was to call them up and bitch them out.

If I had to make a list of all the reasons why Tom and God could have that they’re against me having a child, this is what it’d be:

Tom’s reasons for not wanting me to have a child.

1. Jealousy
2. The financial burden
3. Doesn’t want to deal with it
4. The time it would take up
5. Fear of me being a bad mom
6. My fears, worries and doubts about it
7. Me bitching about how fat I’d be and the pain and discomforts of it
8. My sleep schedule
9. Lack of sleep
10. My smoking
11. My other hobbies, goals, wanting to see my family
12. Arguing over issues concerning the child

God’s reasons for not wanting me to have a child.

1. The financial burden
2. The time it would take up
3. It killing me
4. Other plans for me in life
5. Us fighting over it and our marriage being ruined
6. Cuz I want one
7. Cuz I’m not a druggie or alkie
8. Cuz I’m smart
9. Cuz I don’t have “the look”
10. Cuz I might not be a bad enough mother
11. Cuz I’m not an airhead or an asshole or into major crimes
12. Cuz I’m not too young