To get the asshole out of the way first - I heard him come and go with the music at a so-so volume and we’re wondering if he isn’t spending less time there. I hope so! And I hope he doesn’t come back full-time in the spring again, either.

Late last night my period began, little by little. I still haven’t had a full flow yet, but it’s normal for me to spot the day before having a full flow. I always get some type of full flow, though.

I wish that God could’ve allowed me to get pregnant last month, and just let us enjoy this new bed we’re gonna get without any other worries, like problems with sex/sterility. I wish God could’ve allowed me to get pregnant 3 years ago, but if God was ever just waiting for the perfect time, I really don’t see why this wouldn’t be it. I mean, we’ve worked so hard to get to where we are now and get this bed, and the not smoking’s been so hard, and I’ve wanted a kid long enough, so if we aren’t deserving of a kid at this point, and if now isn’t the right time, then God really does hate me. You don’t have to deserve a child in order to have one, as many non-deserving people have them all the time, but since God’s standards are so high for me, if this isn’t it, then I was right all along - it’ll never happen. As far as I can see, though, how much more right, ready, and deserving of a child can we be at this time? I think that if anyone deserves to enjoy this bed and the closeness and normalcy it’ll bring, have a normal, full-time sex life, and have a child, it’s us. I think we’ve been tested enough by God and that we’ve paid our dues dearly and have waited enough for wonderful things like this to happen. However, even though it’s been a miraculous month as of tomorrow since it will be one month since I quit smoking, I haven’t forgotten how God works with me. The bigger the dream, the more I can count on it as always being just that - a dream. There’s a big difference between moving to the desert and quitting smoking, compared to my having a child and God knows it.

There are times I can end up wrong about the things I say that can’t happen, then there are the times I could never end up wrong, no matter how much I wish to hell I could.

Even if I know better, the change I see in Tom lately, since we began making serious plans for the bed and especially since I quit smoking, is his confidence. He was always overly confident. Way too confident. But this is different. I’ve never heard him sound surer of himself when he says that the sex will turn out full-time and normal and that I’ll get pregnant, and you know he’s said that a billion times. There’s something different about it this time, though. Does he know something I don’t? I wonder if like God, he’s been waiting for the perfect time to let go, but just hasn’t said so. If that’s been the case and if he’s been waiting till what he felt was the perfect time to cum like hell, then fine, as long as he does it in the long run, and the long run being real soon, too. In a way, I wish I could know for sure that that has been the case all along, cuz then it’d ease my fears that he’s been full of fears about a kid. Or a miscarriage.

As excited as I am about this bed, which we hope to hell we can order tomorrow and that the Visa card comes in the mail, I’m also quite nervous about it. What if things aren’t the same? What if they’re worse? I knew that as used to as I am with his games, how am I gonna deal with his lying this time around, under these new circumstances? Well, if things can’t get better then I at least hope that they don’t get worse. Better to have things be the same than get worse. He said the bed and the not smoking were what would help his so-called problem. So far, the fact that I haven’t smoked for a month has only produced a slight increase in the sex but the sex has still been the same - one-sided. I usually get off and he gets hard. Hell, I don’t think he’s cum since July or August (I quit charting that and my periods), but how can I believe yet another one of his oh-so-sure cures?

The cat and kittens are warming up to me even more, but not much more. One of the kittens almost took a piece of food out of my hand, but not quite. We’re gonna put chicken wire on the top of the hutch, although I still don’t think they’ll ever be brave enough or even want to live inside some of the time.