Earlier, we went to Wal-Mart and got a couple of new pairs of sweatpants and a couple of new bras, since I’m just not skinny anymore.

I also got the little critters more toys. I got 4 more curved tubes, a maze, and a high-rise. I decided that the maze did interest me, after all. It’s really cool and I’ll rotate it between Gizzy and Teddy Bear. What the high-rise is two little round tubes that are connected that they can sleep in. Instead of keeping them connected, though, I’ve got them set up so that each one can use them. Gizzy’s got the red one on his house and Teddy Bear’s got the blue one on his house.

I also called Mary and told her all about the new stuff and she and Dave just got a high-rise, too.

There was another computer question from my parents a few days ago and hopefully, Tom will have the time to answer it soon enough. It was about how to get the 50 free hours she’s supposed to get, then she wanted to know if something would be billed on her phone bill or charge card.

Hopefully, he can also put the chicken wire across the top of the hutch (in case these cats do venture indoors here). Mama Cat now meows for me sometimes late at night when she wants more food. White Feet almost ate right out of my hand the other day, but Blackie’s still a shy one.

And I hope he can soon put on the new toilet seat, too. This is the second soft one that’s ripped, so now we’re back to hard toilet seats. That’s OK, cuz at this point; I have enough cushioning on my ass. As my dad said when he was here - I’ve got a soft ass.

He began draining the pool which is now just about empty. We still don’t know if we’re gonna paint it a solid blue, or if I’m gonna do any kind of drawings or patterns on it. It’s gonna depend on what kinds of paints and colors we can get.

I’ve been checking out some web pages on Charlie’s Angels and have been downloading some old pictures I used to love into my wallpaper file. It’s really cool to just be able to browse through all this stuff and I wish they had had this when I was 10 and really into them. Back then, you could only get pictures by way of magazines and you certainly couldn’t tape any episodes at that time.

The asshole’s been fairly quiet lately. Their color was never the issue. It was their music and dog that were the issue, and I know there’s good and bad in all colors and that most people suck.

Anyway, I’m not sure if he’s moving next door, but I guess it isn’t likely.

I hope I can talk to Lisa alone sometime soon. I’m really worried for her and I feel so sorry for what she and her sisters have to go through. In some ways, Tammy may be a better mom than our mom was, but not in very many ways at all. She’s either too much like her and if she’s not, she’s still a negative, moody, serious bitch. Very insensitive and hard to talk to, for the most part. She just doesn’t understand people too well, which is a shame what with all she’s been through. I don’t think Tammy’s fully to blame for who she is. We are who our parents shape and make us and what our experiences are as we grow up, but we still have to take responsibility for our own actions and make our own personal changes that we know are either right for us or that’ll improve us as the people we are.

I called there several days ago, and Lisa answered. Right away, I could tell something was wrong. She sounded miserable and she muttered in a shaky voice that she was, too. Bill was there, so we couldn’t talk. All I could do was ask her yes or no questions, but I couldn’t even do that for very long, cuz then Tammy came home. It had to do with them going through her room and finding something she wrote. That’s all I could get out of her with my questions and I didn’t want to ask questions that could be too suggestible and plant any wrong ideas.

Tom and I discussed it later, and we think the things she could’ve possibly been caught writing about could’ve had to do with negative statements against Tammy, sex, or maybe something she shouldn’t have said or done that involved someone outside of the household.

I hope Lisa will be OK and that we’ll be able to talk soon. I just worry so much over her mental state. I can only imagine what that must be like. I certainly know what Tammy can do to one’s mental state.

Tom’s not only saying he’ll definitely cum regularly when we get the bed but asked me why he’d work so hard and go through all the hassles of getting this bed if all he wanted was to use it to play with my head. Well, cuz he knows there are still some benefits to this bed that don’t include the actual sex acts. Like the closeness and added normalcy, for example, and the convenience it’d bring. I miss being able to walk right up to a bed and have a night table by it, too.

Anyway, he reminded me that I said I wanted to prove to him who’s right about the sterility, so this is a clean-cut yes or no way to find out. So, he’s saying that he’s gonna cum so much that we have to know who’s right about my being sterile? Good, God! How dumb does he think I am? I know better. Nothing will change. Then he’ll make up excuses and casually lie his way out of why things didn’t change by implying that it was my fault and that he was too busy. I can see the part about being too busy. That’s where God comes in. He’ll make sure Tom has his work cut out for him and his time sucked up really good to really tire him out. People’s cars will break and things will break around here way more often than usual. And always when it’s prime time too, as if there could really ever be a pregnancy that God just needed to prevent!

He says he’s always wanted a bed we could both share. Well, I knew that, but if it was this important to him, why didn’t he stress it more often and stronger? His answer was that he didn’t want to sound demanding and controlling. And if he felt the answer to a kid was this bed, why did he insist over and over again that I’d be pregnant at certain times in the past?

And how can God do this to a woman? And why me?

Later...

Another thing I forgot to mention that Andy told me in our chat we had the other day, was about when he and Michelle went to a lesbian bar. He said he couldn’t believe how many feminine women there are now. I can. Of course there are. I’m off the scene. Not that tons of fems would do me any good ever since I’m a fem myself. They like them really big or really butchy if they’re feminine.

The Humane Society sent me my 1998 calendar. It’s really nice. Lots of cats, dogs, rabbits, and other animals.

My breathing has improved tremendously, and I need my inhaler much less. It’s nice to wake up without having to wheeze my ass off and cough like hell. And to be able to sing without always clearing my throat. My nose still gets stuffy, but not as much. If only I knew I could lose weight, but I just don’t know if I can do that anymore. Or if it’ll ever get any easier for me. It’s hard at times. I can go hours without thinking of smoking, then I’m suddenly hit with such powerful urges to smoke. The Nicorette does help, but I can’t take that forever. I must wean my way onto regular gum. Today hasn’t been too bad with intense cravings and I hope that’s a good sign, but I sure do miss them. The ciggies, I mean.

Now I’ll indulge in a far-out fantasy, but hey, that’s what journals are for. The fantasy is that God picked this to be the time to allow me to quit smoking, cuz he never hated me. He never intended to deny me a child all my life. He was just waiting for the perfect time. And since he knows it’s hard enough caring for a child, he wouldn’t want it to be any harder for me by me gasping for breath all the time. So, the reason why he now helped me to help myself is so that he can now give me the child I’ve wanted for so long.

Yeah, I know. I’m great at dreaming.

I don’t see the car next door that I was surprised to see parked in front of the carport and not deep within it early yesterday evening. Does that mean he’s not there? Or does it mean he moved the car deep into the carport? My guess - it’s gone deep in the carport.