Yesterday was a shitty day. All was going just fine for a while there. I had even gone over 12 hours without eating, was down two pounds to 112, and quite proud of myself.

Then Tom told me something that caused me to have mixed emotions. That David got a vasectomy cuz he and Evie got what they wanted - a boy and a girl. I’m very happy that they got what they wanted, but what about me? Don’t I count too? Doesn’t my dream matter at all to God? At least David and Evie are one of the few great people that I wish had more kids than society’s assholes do, and perhaps it’s not very humbling for me, but it’s not fair! Please God, don’t forget me too.

Something was out to get me real good yesterday. I don’t know if God was punishing me, or just trying to remind me that a baby isn’t something I could handle physically and mentally or both.

It began at bedtime. I threw my book onto the bed, planning to read a bit before crashing, then went to reach for the fan. Sure enough, though, the speed control on it broke and it wouldn’t go close to high speed.

Is God ever gonna stop breaking our stuff?! I just wish he’d leave our stuff alone!

So Tom brought in two wimpy fans and then we tried what we thought would be a hot idea to create white noise. We set the radio where there wasn’t a station, to create a mix of static and wind sounds like the fan.

Meanwhile, even though it wasn’t till 2 PM that I fell asleep to that, I noticed at 10:30 that the fucking construction vans are next door again! What the fuck are they doing over there? And does this explain why the dog still isn’t there? Am I still in for that dog returning? Anyway, even though the static on the radio wasn’t quite as consistent as I’d have liked, I fell asleep. But just for two whole hours. The fucking thing started crackling and popping and the rush of static/wind was coming in waves. Then I tried tuning in a real station on the radio only to wake right up on every commercial. How the hell did I once sleep to this thing?! Then I tried playing a CD, but then the speakers on my old box, which have never had a problem before, started crackling and faltering, too!

Like I said, it was way, way too obvious that something up there was trying to get me. Again, was it punishing me, or trying to teach me a lesson about having to keep getting up? Or could it have been cuz of my trying to lose weight that something up there hasn’t wanted me to lose? I don’t know, but it was more than frustrating and angering. It was scary.

Tom, who had left after the discovery of the fucked-up fan, came home after the last thing that woke me up which was the fucking people working next door. He brought me a real treat that I’ll use till God breaks it, and he’s already warned me that he will break it too, cuz its speakers fucking crackled on me as well for a few seconds as I was adjusting the volume. Anyway, it’s a noise machine with 6 sounds. The two I don’t like are the chorus of crickets and the heartbeat. They say fussy babies like the heartbeat, though, cuz they can hear the mother’s heartbeat in the womb so it soothes them, but I’ll never have to worry about a fussy baby. There’s also a rain sound and a mountain stream sound and these are nice, but my two favorites are the ocean waves and the white noise, which is a recording of a waterfall. I finally slept to this last one with no interruptions from 5 PM - 10 PM.

We hope to get one of these to use in the back room too, cuz they’re not just great for sleeping and drowning out noise like barking, but they’re very relaxing. I also love the fact that I can put it anywhere I want and not have to worry about it being dangerous like a fan can be (if my middle-ass-length hair got caught in it). And I don’t have to deal with the draft of the fan in the winter.

Tom also got computer parts for us, but mainly for him. We’re gonna be having more of our own computers so that we don’t have to worry about hard drive space or if one’s using the computer when the other wants to.

He’s also gonna set things up to make it easy for me to make more screensavers out of videos.

I can also watch TV in the corner of the screen while I type, but I don’t know if that’ll be something I’ll be that interested in doing. That’d be sort of distracting.

Anyway, even though I finally won God over on the sleep issue, even if I’m still a bit tired, it was off to more bad news when I got up. It seems something’s also delaying our Visa card. Something doesn’t want us to get that bed. But why?! Is it trying to prevent added normalcy? Or is it trying to protect me from more trouble/heartaches/frustrations?

We discussed sending the city the letter about next door and have decided that we’ll wait till they start up again. I don’t know why the music ended so soon, not that I can complain, but I know them and know that it’s only a matter of time before it’s a problem yet again. So Tom will get the address to which to send the letter, but as soon as we hear them, off it goes. Not that it’ll do me any good. And not that God won’t make me pay for it, too.