Oh, I can’t stand these constant, powerful urges to smoke that I get! Does it ever get any easier? Is it really a case of either bad lungs or having cravings for the rest of my life? I really don’t feel much different now as far as the cravings go than I did when I first quit. My dad said that it only took him about a month to stop thinking about it all the time and Tom says it’ll get better for me, too, but I don’t think so. I know everyone’s different, but I really think I’m gonna be one of those who wants one even after it’s been a year. And even longer, too.

Ma asked for a list of all the flags we’ve got that aren’t worn, so I typed her an inventory of them, which she says she’ll file away. She also shipped out another box to us and asked if Tom reads books, cuz she’s got a good book that deals with computers for him. Also, another T-shirt for him, but she says that this one’s special. I hope so, cuz we both have a million tees.

I told them we sent away for a batch of animal pictures I shot and that I wanted to know if they wanted me to hold off the mice since there’s gonna be pictures of Gizzy the mouse and since a lot of people don’t care to look at them. They said to send whatever I like, though.

This is an inconclusive report on the sick fuck next door, cuz I’m not sure if it was him that just banged in over there or not, but it fits his MO. After the final beat of music, I didn’t hear a door at all. Not even one shut softly, but I wouldn’t be surprised if it was him cuz he’s a night person and cuz the serious door slamming basically only went on during the dog’s existence. I tell you - it’s either dog and doors or music. Unfortunately, he’s still parking deep in the carport and with the way things are now set up around here, I can’t see if there’s a car there for sure now. It’s too much of a hassle and it’s not worth it. Also, Tom’s been checking, and if there’s a car there at 4:30 when he gets in this morning, then it’s obvious he stayed the night and that that was really him. Just in case, though, I am gonna be banging outside in a little while (give the freeloaders time to fall asleep if that was he who really came in almost a half-hour ago), and although God may ensure I’m wasting my time and allow them to sleep through it, I’m still gonna hope they hear it, cuz I’m not gonna be hearing them without them hearing me anymore. I’ll also take my chances with whatever God may do to me for it, too.

I can tell you one thing for sure… There’s no way in hell they’ll give me a reaction and let me know it’s waking them up if it is waking them up. It really would take something like me shooting a dog of theirs before they had anything to do with me. And it’d only be through the courts.

I really thank God for answering a couple of prayers of mine and in a sense, he really did answer them, too. Just one of them many years later than I first requested, and another in a partial kind of way. Well, I prayed for years for him to help me help myself quit smoking and I also prayed to have them move next door. The last time I did this was around our little screaming match. Well, he didn’t have them move, but he sure took care of the dog. So, I told him that if he did have anything to do with the dog’s removal - thanks.

I still wish God would grant me my first best and biggest dreams, besides the secondary ones, but some wishes granted are better than no wishes granted cuz that’s usually how it is for me. I either don’t get what I want at all, or I get it after a million years, or I only get a part of it.

Spunky’s really getting to be just about a full-grown pig. It’s almost time for his first nail trim.

Later...

I got my full flow, I’m not stuck, yet I’m now 113 pounds!! I’m starting to feel really desperate here about losing weight, but it’s just sooooo fucking hard. I’ve made such a pig of myself over the last few years. So now that my body is used to having more than just a few bites a day, I can’t starve for a few hours, let alone for a few days. My metabolism is getting slower and slower, and I’m not in my early to mid-20s anymore, either.

Once again I tried to puke after eating but just couldn’t bring myself to do anything so gross. They say that this can be addicting, but after quitting smoking for a month, I think that I could break any addiction I could ever have. If I starved, though, I wouldn’t have to worry about trying to do any disgusting puking, but that’s so much easier said than done for someone who’s hungry all the time and who can’t stand the hunger pains. Still, I think that if I can deal with cigarette cravings, I can deal with being hungry all the time. That’s something that I can adapt to and that’s something that will go away in time. Cigarette cravings won’t. I just have to tell myself that given the fact that I’m sick of being a frump, sick of most of my clothes not fitting, then knowing that I’ll never be pregnant and that I’ll keep gaining weight if I keep not smoking, it’s time to do something about it. I have to just stop eating and deal with being hungry. That is something that will go away, unlike the cigarette cravings.

Tom said that it’s not so much that the bed itself is gonna change us, but that the bed, which is an environmental change/lifestyle change, will lead to our sex lives changing. Uh-huh. Right. Well, like I said, I’m not getting pregnant and I’m not gonna drop the 13-16 pounds I need to drop by wishing I could drop it, so I gotta starve, puke, or do something!