Got an email from Marla and Evie in regard to my testing and questioning how I could handle a kid if that had been meant to be. They’re jumping the gun, though, and making false assumptions by getting it into their minds that we’re gonna have a kid. We’re not, and I told them so. I’m just trying to get info.

Marla told me she’d print out my message for Linda when she sees her this weekend. They live 20 minutes apart. She and Linda also told me something I didn’t know. She said contractions don’t feel like period cramps. That’s nice to know. I hate cramps! They’re just about the worst. They also told me that after the labor pains peak, you don’t feel pain. All you feel is like you have to take a shit, then the baby comes out. Really? But what about the pain of it going through the cervix and vagina? They all say it’s worth it and quickly forgotten. Evie said she was too late in getting to the hospital to take any meds, but she survived. How can an hour and a half be too late? Evie also said she’d hang onto some old maternity things for me, which I told her not to do. I told her a child isn’t meant to be. Period. But I was now OK with that and I know that this only means that God has other plans for me. Not just that I couldn’t handle a child (she said God would help me through the pain of that and not let me hurt for too long). I can’t let myself get hooked back into this child thing. I don’t want to rekindle old dreams that can never be brought to reality. If they fixed me tomorrow and if God suddenly didn’t care if I had a kid or not, my husband still does. He would never allow me to conceive. He would never cum again and if he did, he’d make sure to do it at a safe time.

What if they said I needed in vitro? I mean, what would he do? Feel so trapped and so cornered, say he’ll go along with it, but then refuse to let them have his cum so I could never have this done? Not that I would, cuz I couldn’t handle it.

Well, no matter what the doctor tells me when I hear from her, my destiny is my freedom and my husband. Building that dream house, buying things, my critters, etc.

Later…

Tom brought home some more of that stuff to seal around the AC and cooler. He said yes, the rain did wash the other sealer away as he suspected. I’ll still never believe that this leaking can be stopped without seeing it first. Seeing is believing for me.

He said we’re gonna have to keep the dumpster through the weekend (we were gonna have it out of here by the weekend) and that maybe he’ll call them Saturday.

He also bought a new toilet kit. Last time, we bought a new handle, but this time he bought a new sealer. The part that seals up the hole for when the water fills, and that flaps up to let the water out.

In case I didn’t mention this, I’ve given Tom all the change I’ve been saving up so he can buy the headphones he wants for Christmas. There’s a little extra, cuz the headphones only cost about $30. These are wireless too, but they’re the kind you need to be in the same room with whatever you’re using them in. This way, we can hook the ones where you don’t need to be to my stereo, so I can use these headphones to listen to music if I want to while he’s got the TV headphones on. He’s gonna use the change at the grocery store and take other money for the headphones. There’s a machine there that counts change and gives you bills for it. He’ll let me know just how much money was there since we didn’t count it all.

Andy left a message Tuesday that I didn’t even know Tom saved for me. Sometimes I forget to check for saved messages. Anyway, Andy was asking me to be more specific about the testing and asked if I can have kids or not. That was sweet of him to care enough to ask. I know these things gross him out too, so I had been being careful with what I said. I told him that under no circumstances whatsoever would God allow me a child, and that although my uterus doesn’t look great, I don’t know enough at this point. All I’m trying to do now is seek out info.

I reminded Evie about this too, who’s jumping the gun by saying she’s still got some maternity clothes around that she’ll hang onto for me. Then Tom reminded me that I could fit into Evie’s regular clothes if I were nine months pregnant, she’s so big.

Tom also feels that my fallopian tubes still could’ve been blocked and that the dye flushed any blockage out. He said they can’t always tell if your tubes are blocked. My tubes weren’t blocked. I just know they weren’t.

After I told Tom that I was confused and unsure of what to do next, he made a so-called deal with me. I told him that I still feel just as controlled by him as I do by God and that if I got fixed and decided I wanted to conceive, and if God suddenly didn’t care whether or not I conceived, he’d never let me. He’d play God with my life. So, I was thinking of canceling this fertility thing, since as he agreed, we need the sex to be normal for this. Even if he wasn’t full of it, and even if he had cum all along, he hasn’t cum since the appointment and roof. There are just too many things he needs to fix and if God hadn’t sealed my fate as far as a kid goes, he has, so what the hell? Most women who are sterile can go get fixed and have a normal enough sex life with which to conceive. But I’m a unique case within a unique case. Totally controlled by both Tom and God. What they say goes. Tom’s the one with the sperm, he knows it, and God isn’t about to step in and make Tom squirt his cum into me regularly. Then he told me to just give us the weekend to have sex now that my tubes could be unblocked and now that I’m mid-cycle, see what it’s like, then make a decision. I’ve been through these so-called deals with him before, and the wait-and-see crap. But I have seen. First of all, he’s just gonna lie and say he came when he didn’t, and if he did, one weekend of him cumming isn’t gonna cut it. He needs to cum more than three times a year for him to say he’s cumming regularly and be telling the truth. He also needs to come more than that in order to leave it up to God to decide if I should conceive and not be manipulating and trying to control things.

I wonder, though, about another possibility. Maybe he will admit he didn’t cum this weekend. Or maybe he’ll boldly look me in the eye and lie and say he did. Is he contemplating or planning on admitting he didn’t cum with the hopes of me canceling the fertility testing cuz of it? Could be. Maybe I should insist he came and let him go along with it. If he went along with it in the past, why not now? Then we won’t have to discuss it. A part of me wishes I never bothered letting him know I knew all along he wasn’t cumming. I knew he’d either make an excuse for lying or just plain old deny it. That’s the awful thing about this otherwise wonderful man who’s one in millions. If you confront him with something you don’t think, but you know, he lied to you about, he’ll cry don’t pick on me! Or he’ll just boldly insist he is telling the truth when you know damn well he’s not. He’s really bold. Some people are like that, though. They think that if they’re caught in a lie, don’t make excuses for it, just deny it. Denial is easy, isn’t it?

I’m still OK with never having a child. I have enough other things to live for and I want to stay with my husband forever no matter what, but it’s the lies, the false promises, and the saying one thing and doing another that I’m fed up with. He reminded me today how much I prefer actions to talk, so let’s do our deal and all that. But he won’t put his actions where his mouth is. He’ll say one thing and do another, or he’ll lie about it and insist he did what he said he’d do when he really didn’t.

Later…

Right on schedule. Bill’s gone to get the bitch. Will the cock visit for an hour and a half tonight?

I read Tom my piece of bullshit on how I went to pick up the bitch with Bill and she flipped over it while I laughed. Then they drove to the police station and she ended up getting arrested for being hysterical. I denied riding with them and said they were following me, and out of fear, I came to the PD. He got a kick out of it.

It’s nice not having the toilet hang up and it’s nice being able to just quickly touch the button and have it flush. Before, I had to hold it in for several seconds. I’m gonna enjoy this toilet while it works, cuz I know it’s just a matter of time before it goes on the fritz again.

Later…

Oh, God! The cock’s here. In the driveway again like yesterday. He never parks in the driveway on weekdays. That tells me something that I don’t like and that worries me. I can’t believe I didn’t hear any door slamming. I wouldn’t know it was here if I didn’t look, but that’s the way it should be.

This is day three and still no dump. Damn, that shit they gave me really cleaned me out! Amazingly, though, I woke up at 110 pounds and not the 112-113 I expected to wake up at. What’s gonna happen, though? Is my body gonna wait till it is back up to 112-113 pounds before it shits?

It helps to write about some things that bother me, but this one’s a little tougher. Our fucking lying whore of a president bombed Iraq. And it’s so childish too, cuz he’s doing it for the wrong reasons. He claims it’s because they refused to cooperate with weapons inspections, and they did have some weapons that could’ve harmed people nearby, and they are a fucked up country, but it’s all over his not wanting to be impeached and brought to trial for lying about having oral sex with that 21-year-old. He figures this will stall impeachment. So, innocent children have to die because he had to get his dick sucked by some young thing and he can’t own up to it and deal with it? That’s great. That’s just really great. Why is sex always so destructive?! I wish I could say that in this slut’s case, what goes around will come around and he’ll be assassinated, but I know he won’t. Nope. He’ll live a long, healthy, free life full of all kinds of money, sex, fun and power.

Once again, this cock is hanging around a little too long to be playing daddy. More like banging its bitch and making plans to come back. I didn’t see or hear anything being unloaded, but like I said, if it’s gonna be stupid enough to come back and get its bitch evicted, let it.

Later…

The cock just left. So it was here an hour and 15 minutes tonight instead of an hour and a half, huh? About 15 minutes before it left, I heard two car doors, but because it was dark, I couldn’t tell if it took something out of its car or if it put something in its car. He used to do this all the time he lived here, though - come out and play car door six times a day. It can’t even be here an hour and not play doors!

Anyway, I think it’s testing me and the city and getting a feel for things to see if it’s really safe enough to return. By parking in the driveway, he can see if the city questions it before moving in and really getting everybody into trouble, and also see if I complain about it. Once he feels the coast is clear, in it’ll come. Although, it is parking in the driveway after business hours. We’ll just have to wait and see.

Uh-oh. I just peeked out and saw the bitch’s front light on. She doesn’t usually keep that light on unless she’s either expecting company or currently has company over. Well bitch, your company just left. A little slow at cutting the light? Or are you expecting another round?

Later…

I think I know why I heard two door slams, then one more when it left. The bitch is early to bed, early to rise during the week, but not this early. There are no lights on inside the house. Just the porch, so I think the first two slams were her and Mistake getting in the car. Then for whatever reason, Mr. Cock didn’t come out for 15 minutes later, then they all split. So, Bitch and Mistake should be pulling in with Mr. Fuck sometime before 9 PM, then it’s off to la-la land!