Yesterday’s visit to Mel’s was no joyride. It hurt like hell when she went to tighten the bands and she even had to get the doctor’s help on one particular tooth.

She said I needed to brush better, which is hard with the braces on, and gave me a special little toothbrush designed to pick in between the braces.

She also still had my card and my card only! Didn’t she get other cards? It was sitting in the same spot by a picture of her dog. It was a white dog of some kind that’s kind of large.

Anyway, I’m a little sore now, but before I see her the next time around, I’m gonna take a ton of ibuprofen. At least I don’t have to see her again till February 1st.

Woke up at 109 pounds.

Tom brought home some leftover treats from work and about 5 more Christmas cards he got from coworkers. He also bought me a couple of puzzles at the grocery store. One’s a scene of the Virgin Islands with palm trees, and the other’s a dog and cat.

I realized something not too good and I hope this will never be the case, but if we put the house up for sale in March - what if it takes 8 months to a year to sell? God, I hope not!

I felt some pre-cramps a little while ago. See? I knew having clogged tubes was too “normal,” on top of all the reasons a kid is not meant to be. Because that is the problem for most women, and because the dye usually fixes that, I knew that wasn’t my case. If it’s common, it’s not me. I knew my problem went much deeper and I knew my uterus had something to do with it. Not my tubes. Tom says he got off cuz he had nothing to fear, but I wonder - could the test have only reassured him that there’s nothing to fear?

Well, the point is the same as it’s always been - whether I like it or not, I’m sterile for life. I was born this way. I’ll die this way.

Later...

I talked to Tammy at 8 AM her time. The girls are coming back today. Meanwhile, she’s been having a blast with Mark, and the T-shirts arrived there, too. She’s still having problems with Lisa. Lisa’s being rebellious, she says, and is lying and basically being lazy when it comes to chores. She also said Sarah said something about being afraid of Bill’s temper while in Florida but didn’t get into it. She said she doesn’t think he got physical with the girls, but he’s his usual angry self who’s hurting all three of the girls emotionally. It can hurt a kid when you tell them they’ll amount to no good, or something like that, just as much as if you’d hit that kid. Yes, verbal and emotional abuse can be just as damaging as physical abuse. So Tammy says she’s gonna look into getting his rights severed, and I hope to hell I’m wrong, but I say she’ll never succeed. The courts are too biology-obsessed. I asked her how she felt about beating the shit out of Bill or killing him and having it look like an accident and she said it wouldn’t do her any good and that two wrongs don’t make a right. Yeah, I know what she’s saying, but still, sometimes you’ve got to resort to violent measures in order to get someone off your ass and scared into doing right.

Speaking of doing right, it hurts and angers me to hear what she has to go through and I don’t need it any more than they do, so once again, should I walk away when we move?

Got a backache now. Another PMS symptom. I’m looking forward to getting my period, but I don’t actually sit and pray for it, cuz you don’t need to pray for what’s already a done deal. If something’s meant to be, it’s gonna be, and you don’t need to pray for it.