Yesterday was a hectic, frustrating, confusing, yet fun day. First, I called Tammy this morning to tell her that I finally got through the worst of the lower braces. A few days after you get them on, your mouth is pretty inflamed like mine was yesterday, but now I’m home free and my mouth is callused and toughened up to them just about. My bite is still off, though, even when it’s not sore, so I have to eat nothing but soft foods. I eat mostly soup and even woke up a pound lighter today at 112. I’ll be stuck tomorrow. My shit system always turns itself off when I hit 112 so my body can hang onto whatever I eat and not shit it out till it gets back up to the 115 it’s comfortable at. Once I gain those few pounds back in a day or two, I’ll shit.

I also told Tammy about our pet store adventures yesterday, which I’ll get into in a minute.

First, poor Becky has to have surgery this morning on her knees and ankles for her rheumatoid arthritis. That’s really sad. I told Tammy to call once they got settled in to let me know how things went. Meanwhile, I’m sending the kid a get-well card.

God’s really cursed this family well. One generation after another. What kinds of problems would my kid have had if I had had one? Plenty, I’m sure.

If I had any sense whatsoever, I’d forget all about this fertility testing. Why put myself through all this shit just to get answers I may not get? I know I’m sterile, I know a kid isn’t meant to be whether or not I want one, so why do I torture myself like this? I guess if I gave up now I’d feel like a quitter, but that’s not to say for sure that I won’t back out at some point by either force or my own will. With my luck, I’ll just be told they can’t find anything wrong so I can be even more frustrated and confused, but then again, that’s part of getting the information I want. This way, if I go through with this, I won’t have to always wonder if they’d have told me they couldn’t find anything wrong. I’ll know for sure. That’s Tom’s guess. Tom said he couldn’t be sure on this one, but if he had to guess he’d guess they wouldn’t be able to find anything wrong cuz it’d be one of those subtle things beyond their abilities to find that I’ll outgrow in time. No fucking way. My first guess is that they’ll find what’s wrong, but it’ll be one of those rare things that they still can’t fix.

His saying this kind of reinforces my suspicions as to what he’ll do. He, having full control over his cumming, will continue to make sure he rarely cums with me, but that he lets them have a sample for testing, then he’ll hope/believe that they won’t be able to find anything wrong with me, so he can come home, go back to rarely cumming, and end up getting what he wants which is no kid. Meanwhile, if I had been fixable I’d have probably gone and let them fix me, then left it in God’s hands, even though the thought of having a kid and giving up my life and freedom, doesn’t really appeal to me.

I asked Tom why he’d cum in me regularly as he claims he does when he knows I don’t want a kid. He said he does because I didn’t tell him he couldn’t. True. I told him to be himself and do what he wants. Just don’t lie about it.

Anyway, I think I know how this is gonna play itself out. Whether or not I get fixed, he’ll cum very rarely with me and at a safe time, give them a sample of his cum which I didn’t think he’d do at first till I realized how convenient for him it’d be to do so, then he’ll just keep on rarely cumming with me so he can get his way. All this would be just fine too, if he’d just come out and say so. I’m on his side now. I don’t want a kid either, and God will see fit to it that I don’t conceive. I don’t know how to convince him a child will never be in the picture, so he doesn’t have to make such huge sacrifices and live with this fear, be it deep in his subconscious or not. Technically, God doesn’t have to sterilize a woman in order to keep her from conceiving. He can just make sure nothing starts growing in there, but still, fate is fate and I’m fated to never have a child. I’m psychic enough to know this. It’s also common sense too, telling me that he wouldn’t give me something I couldn’t handle.

I say I’d probably let them fix me if I were fixable, but that may not necessarily be so depending on the cost. I wouldn’t lower myself and degrade and humiliate myself by buying into normalcy, so to speak. I’m not gonna make myself suffer over a God who didn’t care enough to let me be born whole and normal. Like I said, there are some things that a woman shouldn’t have to do. Things that are God’s job, not hers.

I think I broke a record last Monday by being able to get to three appointments that were each one week apart. I don’t think I would’ve been able to do that in the past.

For the last two mornings, I’ve gotten anonymous calls at around 9:30. I have a feeling it’s Andy, just being a pest in the midst of his baked boredom. He doesn’t even leave messages. What? Does he just want me to hear the phone ringing and get up to check the box? He’s like that. He does little things like that to get attention. It’s along the same idea as the bangers and their “hear me” and “notice me” kick. I just wish he’d get a life and get a job! He only works a few hours a week. If he tried hard enough, he could get a job very easily in this city, but the fact that he still hasn’t called and told me of his new job that he’ll have for a week, tells me something right there. Even he’s admitted to being lazy and scared. God, he’s sad! How can he be so terrified of starting new jobs when he’s had to do it 100 times? He should be an expert by now.

Later…

God! I can’t even eat soup with noodles in it or the noodles that are in my favorite chicken TV dinners. They get hung up on the braces and get stuck midway down my throat. I’m gonna have to live on chicken broth!

It’s to be cool today and tomorrow, into the 70s for the weekend for perfect partying weather, and cooling down on Monday. Now that’s typical Arizona for you and that means that although the roof will be done this week, I’m gonna be forcefully invited to that mistake’s party if I don’t throw headphones on. Tom said they probably wouldn’t do something as extravagant as that inflatable elephant two birthdays in a row, but still, that doesn’t take away from all the screaming kids that’ll be playing outside, and who knows? They may even use this as an excuse to bang in and out, figuring her birthday’s only once a year, and that if they do it just once every now and then, I won’t complain to the city. But once is never enough for them. Once they really get on a roll, they get totally carried away. It’s like they get addicted to harassing me and they’ve just got to test and push and provoke and aaaarrrrgggghhhh! Some people just like to pick fights and problems, but my vibe isn’t too bad as of yet. Birthday party or not, they gotta do something in return for the roofing noise. I know them. I notice that every 3 months or so, they make some sort of scene for old time’s sake.

Later…

I am so goddamn sick of living like an 18-year-old! I have to go out to the back patio just to be able to use my fucking garbage disposal. I had to turn on the back room power, then after I used the disposal, I went to turn it back off and accidentally turned off the power to the computer and the bedrooms. So I had to reset the alarm clock and the stereo, but like I said, at our ages, I’m sick of living like lazy teenagers or college kids live. We don’t deserve this, but life really isn’t fair. Fucking Dureen was living high off the hog long before she was our age and we don’t even want to live “high off the hog.” We just want a decent house whose doors, faucets, plugs, etc. work well enough. One with a solid roof over our heads for when it rains. One with normal, nice, modern, double-paned windows. With doors that close all the way. With newer, bigger rooms, although, the back room and master bedroom are pretty big. I want a bathroom with elbow room and with at least just the tiniest bit of counter space. Anyway, some would call me selfish I suppose, but I don’t think that that’s too much to ask for in today’s world. Then again, that depends on who we are, doesn’t it? It’s OK for Doe to ask for and to receive just about anything she could want, but some of us, like I did in the past, can’t even ask for a baby. Even that’s too far-fetched and out of the question! You know that’s really not meant to be with a husband like mine and with a God that’s so controlling. What I mean by when I say “like a husband like mine” is in reference to how he only cums twice a year when I’m ragging.

Maybe we’re living like this cuz we’re simply gonna be compensated and live better later on. Once again, why do Tom and I have to pay for everything? Again, life isn’t fair cuz there are so many people who get all kinds of wonderful things for nothing. They don’t work for them, they don’t care about them, and they usually don’t deserve them, either.

Remembering his mom’s old house helps at times like these. Her place is even smaller, older, and more fucked up than ours. After visiting her place, I felt like I was returning to a modern mansion when we returned home! It was only about 700 square feet, but ours is about 1,200. We drove by it yesterday and they lied. The people who bought it aren’t fixing it up. They’re selling it as it is. They didn’t even tear down that old rotted, tilted barn-like garage. They took all the inside and outside blinds down. You can see it’s empty in there. Some huge Mexican family will get it and their screaming kids will join in with the screaming kids next to and behind the house. Their dog will be outside to yip away 24/7 too.

We were out twice yesterday. The first time, we went to pick up that prep kit first, which is an enema. The woman there told me I wasn’t scheduled for both tests on the same day, according to the computer. I almost called it quits right then and there, but later, Tom called back and told me I was scheduled for both tests that day. Well, I’m going for these tests on Monday, as nervous as I am, and if there are any problems, then that’s it. It’s over.

Is God testing me? Why is he doing this to me? How can God do this to a woman?

Vicki said she’s talked to people who have had these tests and she says that some say it’s no big deal, and others say it’s pretty uncomfortable. The woman there said it’d be a little uncomfortable cuz it dilates the cervix a bit. Tom thinks that because I had excruciating periods as a teenager, most women would find it bad, but I won’t find it too bad. I think it’s gonna hurt like hell. I may be a toughie when it comes to teeth, but not with pussies! I’m very sensitive down there. Maybe not like I was before I knew Tom, but I’m still plenty sensitive enough. In fact, one of God’s many reasons for sterilizing me is that he knows I could never handle having a kid.

Like I said, if I had any smarts at all, I’d just call it all off. There’s no reason for me to go through all this shit just for info when I know what the future holds as far as a kid goes, whether I continue to not want a kid, or decide in 5 years I want one again.

I have mixed emotions about not wanting a kid. If I wanted one like I used to, I’d feel more motivated to go through with this shit. However, when the end result was no baby, I don’t think that’d do my emotions any good.

After getting the prep kit, we went to pick up some more roofing shingles, then to two pet stores.

I was surprised and disappointed to find that only one place had Fancy mice and they were all males.

On my way into one of these stores, I saw two little kids heading into the store and thought to myself how they’d go right where I was going. Sure enough, they did, and they were obnoxious in the way that all kids are.

Then we came home and I had some soup, while he unloaded the shingles and made a call to a tool shop.

We went out again and had a little trouble finding the shop, then had to wait for what seemed like 20 minutes for the guy to bring Tom his part for his nail gun. It’s a part that advances the next nail to speed the job up even more.

Our final stop was another pet store. Again, no Fancy mice, but all three places had tons of rats. However, there was this $160 awesome investment that’ll house a whole lifetime of rats! It’s mainly for ferrets, but Ratsy should love this thing! It’s got huge tubes and lots of different levels to climb. Within a week, we’ll be getting this and maybe one or two more rats, too!

So, even though all I ended up getting was mice/rat food, Tom was laughing at how we went from getting a few $3 mice to a $160 cage, although I do still intend to get some more mice.

We enjoyed our time out together and Tom was in a good mood, laughing and mocking me swearing, and you know how clean his mouth is compared to mine! He was even laughing with me at this woman in a car near us who had short, funny-looking hair (Tom almost never laughs at someone for how they look). It was light up top and dark on the bottom. It reminded me of vanilla ice cream on top and a scoop of chocolate ice cream.