Another weekend of waking up free of freeloaders. And this is the time of year when the Mexicans hang outside till dawn. Hope the H’s are sound sleepers, but either way, they’re their problem now, not ours. The weekends go by fast when you’re not counting them down.

It seems Dan may have finally left, but I’m not sure. He definitely doesn’t like the heat and he confined most of his engine-gunning and music to the winter. The music part of it makes sense, cuz that’s when you can comfortably open your windows to let the sound out, and you figure others are going to have their windows open too, to receive the sound.

Today Tom’s out clearing brush for where the trailer’s going to go, but he probably won’t be able to go online to find someone to haul it till tomorrow, cuz the stupid phone company cut wires in this area and our phone’s dead. It’s a good thing we have the cell phone.

This is the fourth day in a row I’ve woken up with congestion, but there is a good side to it – I’m not as tight come the end of my day.

I made a deal with Tom, although I know he’ll break his promise to me like he usually does, and that he’s doing nothing but making lame excuses. He says he’s going to dust and vacuum his office weekly so he can leave things out, which really means so he can trash it by having it full of clutter. He said he’ll keep the door shut, too. He claims that’s the only way he can find things and keep track of his stuff, but he couldn’t find things in Phoenix where he trashed things either. I know you won’t stick to dusting and vacuuming your office, I told him, and as soon as my allergies get worse, I’m gonna go in there and box up all your clutter and take care of things myself. Then you can really bitch about not finding things. I’m just sick of this guy not keeping his word! He promised me that once we moved and he had a room to himself that keeping his shit neat, organized and uncluttered would be no problem.

I also woke up at 119½ pounds! But it totally, totally fucking figures that I can’t shit. Whenever I drop to a weight my body is not used to weighing, I stop shitting till my body adjusts to its new weight.

Later...

It’s looking more like Dan has left, but if he does decide to stay here year-round, he’s OK in the summer. As long as it’s hot he’s not a source of noise. It’s been very quiet around here. No bangers or music of any kind. All we’ve heard are the sounds we make. It’s been the way it should be. Especially for being in a rural area.

I’m so confused still. Torn between having sex and just letting myself be Tom’s submissive and letting him control the sex, and saying no, not till you do it my way at least some of the time.

Like I said, the issue’s no longer a case of me having to have a child. The issue is – how can he be so damn contradicting and how can he lie like he has? What man that says he wants a kid and that’s like he is (unless he wants to be like he is) doesn’t do anything to get help and see if he has a shot at a kid naturally, even if the odds are a million to one? What? Would he prefer the invitro over the natural way if he had the choice? How can he have sat back and watched this issue eat at me year after year and not do anything to help/change things? I’m still glad we never had a kid up till now, but I know that if I were him back in the mid-90s and I said I wanted a kid and I saw how my wife was torn up over not being able to have one, I’d want to do everything I could to help change things.

Unless I didn’t want a kid.

And unless I didn’t want my wife to have a kid, either.

Earlier he gave me a series of lame, senseless excuses like he’s done ever since I’ve known him. He said something about how he’s doing all he can and how his understanding of how I feel that and about my family and the people in Phoenix, and us moving here is connected to changing how he is, etc., but that’s all fucking bullshit. What the fuck does my family and old neighbors have to do with his not cumming and being so controlling in bed? Except for any mail I’ve sent these people or plan on sending, these people are a thing of my past.

He’ll never change. Never. Because he doesn’t want to.