This is the second month in a row I’ve had mid-cycle spotting, but it’s better than the pain in my side I sometimes get. And when I say mid-cycle, I mean close enough to it, if not right on the nose. I heard you can bleed when you ovulate, but this is a bit much for that, so who knows why my periods have gotten so erratic and why I have spotting at weird times? My guess is that it has to do with a hormone imbalance which probably accounts for why I could never conceive, on top of my husband’s dry, limp dick.

I’ve completely ditched him sexually. I’m so fed up. If he wanted to drive me away sexually, he finally succeeded, for I cannot take one more year of the same old fucking bullshit. It’s boring, it’s old, it’s predictable, and I’m sick of being controlled and lied to. He’s totally killed all my interest in sex. The only way to eliminate 95% of our fights is to drop the sex and forget about invitro. Even if I wanted a kid as bad as I used to – he wouldn’t allow it. He’d interfere with my conceiving, and if he didn’t, God would make sure I miscarried. I’m done for sex and any talk of invitro.

He made a grid to make adobe bricks like the Indians did. He wants to make a garden with a wall that’ll keep animals out, so he’s making bricks out of mud. I’m amazed at how hard they dry up to be.

Later...

Tom called from work and I bitched him out for not straightening up his office so I can dust it easier. He’s so stuck on having things his way and trashing that fucking office of his. Again he said he forgot, was sorry, and made some lame excuse about having things on his mind. Yeah, it’s the same bullshit week after week, as usual, so who cares?

He also told me that because the machine ate up the ATM card, he would have to go to a branch to see if the stock money came in, but he didn’t want to take the time to do that, so he was going to go borrow the money from ma till he could get our money. But that will take even longer. It’ll take even longer to drive to his mother for money than to drive to a bank and wait in line. I’ll ask him more about it later.

It turns out I was very wrong about my suspecting that the teacher I had in 5th grade was dead. I called her son’s place after looking up the number on the net and she’s not only very much alive, but she’s still teaching in Longmeadow! I didn’t talk to her son, though. I spoke to some old lady and told her I was in Arizona and was once a student of hers and wanted to surprise her with a letter. Oh, yes, I do intend to send a letter too, letting her know that she, along with the other teachers, should be ashamed of themselves for looking the other way. These people had to know I was being abused. No child acts out like I did without a reason, and they did nothing to help me. I threw in a fib too, saying I dated her son, who’s the same age as I am, in the late 80s. That oughta surprise and confuse her and her son. I can picture her son being like – What? I never dated any such person!

Anyway, I’m surprised she’s still teaching. I would’ve thought she’d either be dead or retired, but she’s only 62. I guess that a person in their late 30s seems much older to a 10-year-old.

Later...

They were right when they said that doing the inner thigh exercises wouldn’t make them smaller. All it did was make them firmer. All any of these exercises do is firm things up. They do not change size/appearance. In order to do that, you have to lose weight, and that’s just not something I can do, so I have to settle for feeling firmer and that’s it.

Later...

Tom’s home now. It seems I misunderstood him. He said that instead of going to the bank he decided to go see his mother at the center she’s at during the week, not that he was going to see her to save time. He said his ma was psyched to see him and that she’s being well cared for at the center. That’s a relief to hear.

It seems one of the jokes that I wrote in my last letter to her was a bad idea. She’s too out of it, I guess, to have realized I was joking, and I even said so too, but I guess I should’ve known better. It seems I’m always saying something wrong, although Tom says it’s no big deal. In my last paragraph, I jokingly said that we were outside when I spotted a snake and snuck up behind Tom with it and wrapped it around his neck. Then I signed off by saying – P.S. Just kidding about the snake. Anyway, from what Tom told me, she was asking him – Did she really pick up a snake?

My vibes about the teacher being dead may have been way off, but my July vibe on the trailer looks like it’s going to be right. Evelyn called saying she has an appointment Monday to check out an apartment and that if she likes it, she can move in on the 15th. Meanwhile, she wanted to know how Tom wants to do the title. I guess all she needs to do is sign it over to us so it’s in our name, then we’ll probably have to get it notarized. I’m just as happy for her as I am for us. She’s in Mexican hell where she is in this dumpy old trailer park. When she described the car stereos, the Mexican bands, the drugs, I was thinking – are you sure you don’t live on our old street?