Not much to update on. I’ve been in a lazy mood today, not wanting to do much of anything. I’ve been rowing away a lot of my boredom.

Tom hasn’t hit me for sex and I’m certainly not about to bring it up. I’m not in the mood to deal with that.

Because I was stuck yesterday, it set me back to 121 pounds. This is the fifth day in a row I’ve miraculously had only 1000 calories, not counting coffee, although yesterday I had an extra potato so I could shit today. I’ll end up having a little less than 1000 in food today, so hopefully I’ll be back just under 120 tomorrow.

My period finally ended after a whole week, if that’s what it was. I spotted for about 6 days, then I had a light flow, and now I’ve completely dried up. I’d love to have something go wrong that’d cause me to need a hysterectomy. I don’t need my uterus and am more than willing to give up periods altogether. It’s just that I wish that if that’s where I’m heading, it would just happen and not be a long drawn-out ordeal. I don’t need the long build-up.

Tom and I both saw Carol in Office Killer. It was so nice to see it again. It’ll also be nice to check out the other movie she’s in tomorrow.

Later...

Just when I thought Tom wasn’t going to bring up sex, he did. Well, it is Sunday, and it is late in his day. The surprising part of it, though, is his wanting to get together at 4:00 before we do a computer project we’re gonna do, rather than at 7:00 or so after we’re done. As usual, though, he’s got to take a shower first. I know good and well what he’s doing in the shower too, besides washing himself and shampooing his hair, but what can you do? If this is the way he wants it - so be it. I’m not exactly looking forward to getting together, cuz I know it’s gonna hurt like hell and I know exactly what’s going to happen.

Later...

After warming him up, we screwed. And it wasn’t painful like I thought it would be. He said I did an excellent job of warming him up (I did try harder to use more variety). There was blood on the sheets when we were through, but it must be leftover from my period cuz like I said, there was no pain. So, how do I feel about the fact that I let us get together? Mixed emotions. I wish I had the strength to say no to him for the rest of my life and ignore his feelings, but he doesn’t feel the guilt I feel. I tell myself he won’t miss a thing, but I still feel guilty. He may not want to do anything to please me in bed, but I can’t help but want to please him.

Later...

Here I am ragging again. What the fuck is going on? God, please please please let me need a hysterectomy! I’m sick of periods, erratic or not, you don’t want me having kids, I don’t want them, so why not? I’m the perfect candidate. But that makes me not a perfect candidate in his eyes. If I wanted a kid and if there was hope for me to conceive and if my husband came, then I’d be more qualified for the hysterectomy. I’m still surprised, though, knowing I was never meant to have kids, that he hasn’t had me have to have one. I’m sure he didn’t so he could tease me with it like he allowed it to be the case in the mid-90s. It couldn’t have been an issue between Tom and me, eating me up for years if he had had me have one, although I always knew deep down that fate is fate with or without a uterus.

In case I forgot to mention this before, I decided not to send Andy’s parents a letter in “his handwriting.” I don’t want to fuck him over in any way, I just don’t want him to be in my life. He’ll always be in my heart and my memory, but I don’t want him on my phone or in other places too close for comfort.