After doing some more thinking, and believe me, I’ve got plenty of time for that, there are a couple of things that disturb me about Paul. Part of it is my fault. For example, he asked me what psych meds I’ve taken in the past and I stupidly named a few that I could remember. I never should’ve done so cuz what do the meds I took years ago have to do with what’s going on right now in the present? And also, I don’t like his silence during the minute or two I took to express my shame at knowing they’ll never pay for their part in this. It was almost as if he was too silent. As in – was he recording our conversation for the DA with the hopes of achieving jail time? Remember what he said – if the jury doesn’t like what’s in the journals, they won’t like me. well, he’s made it clear enough to me that he doesn’t like what’s in the journals, and therefore he doesn’t like me. They may want to save money on trial and jury expenses, but not when it comes to jail. The state wouldn’t mind spending the money to jail me. It may very well think it’s worth the cost with Paul working against me to convince them of this. No, Paul’s not on my side, but the question is, is he against me? And how much?

Later...

Today’s one of those days I have zero energy. I started to take a nap but quickly pulled myself up out of it as soon as I felt myself drifting off to that blissful dreamland I wish I could stay in for the next few years, knowing it’d foul up my schedule. The problem is that I know that come early evening, I’ll perk right up and have a hard time going to sleep earlier so I can get up at a reasonable time. 8 hours of sleep just doesn’t usually cut it for me. I need 9 or 10. Today I got up at 9:30, and I wish I could go to bed tonight at 11:00 so I could get up at 8:00 and feel rested enough, but that’s just not how it works with me. I’ll be up till midnight – 1:00. The closer I get to the 7th, the more I’m gonna have to back my schedule up. I also might have to do that for a therapist, and it’s all just so damn stressful, and of course, I’ve still got the threat of jail hanging over me, and aaaaarrrrrrgggghhhh! I feel so overwhelmed and bummed out right now! I wish I could just drop this shit and move on! I just want to get on with my life! And I don’t care how much of a boring, no-life life I’ve got! I’d rather be bored with not a damn thing happening than be swamped with this shit!

Anyway, the good thing is that Tom senses it when I’m out of it and lacking energy, so he’ll use that to both our advantages. I’m almost positive he’ll make an excuse to cancel this Sunday’s sex if I don’t beat him to it. If it appears he’s not going to make an excuse, then I will, cuz this is a classic day for him to be too soft to go in there, but not know how to say he’s just not in the mood up front and spare us from going through the motions. This is the ideal situation that turns boring, but functional sex, into a complete mess, making it seem like we’re both a couple of naïve virgins who don’t know what the fuck they’re doing.

Later...

Tom moved a tree from right by the road (not on our property) and planted it in front of the wash in front of the master bath. At first I was like - Great. You steal from the county so I can get in more trouble? But then he told me I didn’t do anything and we pay taxes to the county. Yeah, but isn’t that supposed to be illegal like removing cactuses, I asked. He said no, it’s not illegal to move other plants other than cactuses from public property.

OK, then. Meanwhile, I’m still not sure if the renter’s music last night came from the usual renters, or if someone new moved in and was simply introducing themselves to the area. We saw someone riding a motorcycle on their property as if they were trying it out to either buy or sell, and there’s a vehicle there right now that I can’t make out. I can’t tell if it’s new or if it’s the one that’s been there.

Later...

Oh, fuck! Just when I thought I’d get to get out of sex altogether, he announces he’s taking a shower. Well, he doesn’t usually take showers at night unless he’s planning on “getting together.” His taking a shower now means he doesn’t want to stink getting close to me, and he’s undoubtedly doing himself so he can have an easier time restraining himself in bed. I find it awfully hard to believe he could even get hard enough to screw in the first place. It’s the very end of his day, not to mention all the stress and shit going on. This time, if he starts to go in there when he’s not hard enough, I’ll stop him and tell him he’s just not hard enough. Can’t a guy tell these things? I would think so, so that’d make my suspicions right; he’s trying to bum me out and frustrate me with a botched fuck attempt.

Later...

It was just a tease, fortunately. He no doubt came into bed naked after his shower to make me think we were gonna do it, when in fact all he wanted to do was read for a while before hitting the sack. We read together in bed a few times a week.

I’d love to take advantage of the night air, which is getting cooler, and open the windows to let some fresh air in, but there are too many damn bugs. There’s a bunch of little black bugs that can fit right through the screen. Guess I’ll just have to wait for winter. Come mid-October or so, it’ll be pleasant enough in the middle of the day for open windows.

I’m still worried about Paul. I hope I’m just being paranoid, but I feel like he’s conspiring against me with the DA, and damn myself for opening my mouth about past drugs I’ve taken! When am I going to learn that any info given out can and most certainly will be used against me?!

Gotta see if I can make an appointment with a therapist tomorrow, and as for Paul, he’ll either call me before the 7th or he won’t. Tom thinks he’ll call before the 7th. For what? What more can we say to each other? I already left a message saying I’ll plea bargain. I don’t have a choice. I’ve been backed into a corner, completely bribed. The ultimatum is going to prison for sure, or maybe, just maybe I can dodge jail, even though 3 years of therapists, probation officers, and waiting on the lazy won’t be much fun, either.