Things are looking shittier and shittier by the minute and my chances of doing jail time just went up, too. Tom and Paul tell me jail doesn’t look too probable, but that’s what they told me about other things, but once again, I beat the odds. When the odds are in a negative way, I can beat them and I usually do. The more unlikely they are, I’ll beat ‘em. The DA consolidated the cases so that if I went to trial and lost, I’d automatically have to go to prison for 3 years which would end up being about 1½ years. I’ve been backed into a corner and forced to plead guilty if I want to stand a chance of beating jail. As soon as Paul, who again I’ll say works for the state, went to the DA and said I wouldn’t plead guilty, the DA was then like, well if that’s the way she’s gonna be about it, I’ll give her no choice if she wants to escape prison. It’s a power thing, and they live to give ultimatums so they can open and shut cases and save the courts a lot of time and money by avoiding trials, but jail time is going to cost even more money.

They have way more evidence than I realized. Yes, they can prove I mailed those things. See, writing something down that’s either directly or indirectly threatening is a misdemeanor. Mail it and it’s a felony. Paul told me they’ve got me on tape saying, “Did you get the letters” (meaning the journals)? which I completely forgot about and I doubt he’s bluffing me. How utterly stupid of me to even think I could do what I did and not get caught and have to go to court. How utterly stupid of me for thinking for a millisecond that that black pig wasn’t lying to me, just like other pigs have lied to me and just like pigs are known for. They’re all nothing but lying little bullies high on power-play. How could I have been so fucking stupid!!! Did I really think God himself would suddenly let me get away with this? Please!

So now I have to plead guilty, watch them get off scot-free from any of their wrongdoings and their part in this and hope to hell I don’t have to go to jail for 6 months to a year. Even if I didn’t have to go to jail, I’m still 100% sure to be swamped with 3 years of probation, counseling and community service. I’m just so sick of other people telling me what I have to do and I’m so sick of being controlled! I know I’m going to be bribed into taking drugs as a way to cope with my anger. I’m not going to have any more rights or any more say in what goes into my body and how I deal with my problems than I did as a kid. I know they’ll make it a condition of the probation that I take whatever drugs they want to give me to numb my emotions so I can’t feel and express them in the way that a person should be allowed to. Then after I’ve dealt with all the side effects and am finally allowed to have a say when it comes to my body and am allowed off the drugs, I can freak out at having to learn to cope with feeling things I wasn’t able to feel on the drugs. Then again, no staff members are reigning over this house to check my mouth to make sure I’ve swallowed the drugs, but wouldn’t they do regular blood tests to make sure I’m taking the shit? I would think so. So, once again, Jodi will have no choice when it comes to her life and body, but others can do what they want.

Speaking of drugs, I had a sneezing fit start a couple of nights ago, took the Allegra, and it did stop the attack, but was it a coincidence? It’s too soon to tell. If it stops a couple more attacks, then yes, I can say the stuff does help.

Anyway, Paul called today and he called Tom at work and talked to him, too. He said that if I pled guilty and had successful probation, it’d be reduced to a misdemeanor no more serious than a traffic ticket. Well, probation and counseling are certainly better than jail or prison, but I’d really like to just drop it for once and for all and just move on and just get on with life. But that’s the big question. Now that I’ve owned up to my part in this, admitted what I did wrong, and know I won’t contact these people again in any way, when can I? When can I get on with my life and finally, after 4 years, put these people in the past for good where they belong? Huh? When? The end of this, if it ever ends, will be years to come. Meanwhile, I plan on beating the odds yet again and end up having to go to jail. Therefore, I’m going to try to make as many preparations as I can. I’m going to cut my hair off, for one, so that’s one less thing I have to deal with in jail. It may not be really long anymore, but it’s still way too thick. I’m also going to write a lot more, cuz I won’t be able to in jail. I know I’ll get one of those unusual and or real hard-ass judges who’ll throw the book at me. Any jail time I do, though, will be deducted from my probation and any other crap they throw at me.

I’m going back and forth between thinking: If they had just shut up and left us alone, I wouldn’t be in this situation today, and I wouldn’t have ended up mailing the mail and making the calls, as wrong as I admit and know it was, and thinking: If I had only been more tolerable to their noise, I wouldn’t be in this mess…but I am. Always with them, always with me. They have been a part of my life, they are a part of my life, and they always will be a part of my life because I will always have the memories. Since blaming them only pisses me off, which doesn’t help me at all, I guess it’s easier to resort to self-blame and say that I was just as wrong for the legal things I did as well as the illegal things; asking them to turn their music down, sending the city letters. It was wrong in God’s eyes, and if God thinks it’s wrong, it doesn’t matter if it’s illegal or not – it’s wrong. Period. He wanted me to listen to them, I tried to fight it, reacted about it, and even if the courts didn’t punish me, God will, not that I don’t feel I’ve been punished enough over this with just the stress alone that it’s caused. I went against him. I rebelled against the hand he dealt me. Yes, perhaps I wasn’t the victim after all, but the victimizer.

If there is a group of people I truly am done with and that is in the past, it’s Tammy, her parents, her brother, her kids and her ex. But am I? Or am I going to get hit with a subpoena in 6 months to a year? Or even in 5 or 10 years? Maybe the damn thing will come tomorrow!

Life isn’t about equal rights and fairness. Life isn’t about being able to get away with wronging those who got away with wronging you. Life is about taking other people’s shit and accepting life’s unfairness.