Another day in Estrella Jail, and damn do I miss home! I’m sick and tired of being confined like this, never having any peace and quiet. No space, no privacy, and now I can’t even cut my fucking nails! I’m so sick of having to talk and answer questions during meals when all I want to do is sit and eat in peace. I’m tired of being asked questions while trying to escape with my radio.

The nights are a little better. Rosa and I tease Tina in her sleep. Last night I rubbed red lipstick into the crotch of Tina’s spare clean panties, making them look like period stains.

I see Becky from time to time, but now I’m not so sure if she’ll make a good celly because she seems to be a bit of a beggar. The first time she wanted me to pass a kite for her, then she wanted a book. I like her, but I wonder if she’d constantly bug me for my commissary if we celled together.

After what I’ve been through, I don’t trust anybody. I still fear I’m going to get stuck with a monster PO that’ll try to make my life hell, not that it already hasn’t been made to be that way. What’s scary is knowing that all she has to do is tell the pigs I violated my probation, even if I didn’t, and they’ll believe her, pick me up and throw me back in here, and of course, I may have to violate if she makes impossible demands of me. I know she’s going to try telling me to do shit she knows I can’t possibly do. I wouldn’t just violate and stick around, though, if I were truly forced to do so. I’d violate and run.

Now, what could Tom possibly know that I don’t? He wouldn’t discuss it, saying not all conversations are private. It’s a lot more private in the visiting area than on the phone, so it must be illegal. Unless, of course, he just said this to cheer me up because I was pretty tearful (I just can’t deal with this madhouse!). He better not be fucking lying to me! Anyway, I told him to briefly put it in a letter in the fingerspelling font, as long as it’s a solid, sure thing that can really help me, and not just some hunch, belief or feeling.

He said he didn’t have money for stamps, so the other letters won’t go out till tomorrow. He wanted me to have what money he did have for commissary, which was very thoughtful of him. I just hope he doesn’t delay these letters too much longer, as useless as I know they’ll be.

Mom’s doing OK and now Mary doesn’t know what the hell’s going on. A second biopsy said she didn’t have cancer, and I guess they just can’t get a big enough sample to test.

He said Mary heard about Rosa’s case on the news, but all he knows is that they said there were signs of child abuse. What about Rosa’s husband? Just how innocent is he? They say they’re not sure about him.

Although I can’t see Rosa beating a kid any more than I can see Tom beating one, there is one thing that bugs me. Rosa doesn’t seem very remorseful. She has cried a few times, but most of the time she’s all smiles and laughs. Is she in denial, or what? I asked her if she was sad and she said yes, but it would make her sick if she was always down and crying. I guess everyone has their own way of dealing with things.

The Maury Povich Show was here filming today. I saw them on my way to my visit.

My teeth are slowly but surely shifting, and by the time I get out of here, they’ll be noticeably crooked. See? I really do get punished for trying to change things about my body and life. Straighten my teeth, and God makes sure I can’t retain them so they can be crooked again. Move out of the city and God sees to it that I’m forced right back into it.

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It’s about 10:00 now, and tonight it’s the direct opposite of how it was last night. It’s dead quiet. No screaming, no banging. This is the ideal time for reading and writing. I use the radio more when it’s noisy and when I get really bored. It’s also good for escaping Tina’s chatter.

As much as I dread ending up back in a 4-man cell (and I know I will), I want to hurry up and get over there so I can cut my nails. I should be there before New Year’s. I just wish Rosa could be with me no matter who else I’m forced to cell with! But that’s just not possible, even if she remains in Ad-Seg.

I’ve been slacking off on my descriptions. So, Palma, who’s working tonight, would probably be described as plain or mean-looking by some people. She doesn’t have a great body and she needs a nose job, but she’s still good-looking as far as I’m concerned. She’s about 5’ 4”, slightly plump, with black curly hair and dark eyes. She almost looks like she could be part black because her hair’s kind of kinky.