Another day of probation stress, black bitch and pig worries and fears, and missing my Teddy Bear. At least I’m free most of the time and don’t have to worry about getting a psycho celly! I wonder – could Teddy Bear miss me as much as I miss her? I doubt it, or else she’d have broken down and called by now. Tom said that losing a job is scary to a lot of people. Not that scary, I’d think.

Tom said he thought he heard hammering at Dan’s place Sunday when he was out working on the sheds. He couldn’t be sure it was coming from there, though. Neither of us has seen anyone over there. There have been no lights on at night. My vibe has faded a bit as far as her getting the place. I knew it was too good to be true anyway, but at least we’re in the same state. That couldn’t have been her hammering, cuz she wouldn’t hammer anything before moving in. I think she’d move in first and then fix up whatever needed fixing up. Most people usually do their moving on the 1st, so it’ll be interesting to see if there’s any activity over there on the 1st, but I doubt there will be. She probably decided the place was either too far out, too dumpy, or maybe they were asking too much for the place. If the price was right, though, and it wasn’t such a long drive to the jail, I’d think the place would be perfect for her. She really goes with the place. She just seems so much more of a country girl than a city girl. I can totally picture her on a horse out here, whereas Palma would look so out of place.

Tom asked if it’d be OK if we could “try” to have sex this week, saying he wanted to mention it so I wasn’t caught off guard. I’m at such a tug-of-war with myself over that! Naturally, I want to please him and do what he wants, but I’m just so sick of sex with him after all these years. Do you know how bad that sounds? He said. I understand that, and I’m sorry, but what was I to do? Lie to him? It isn’t him. I love him more and more each year. It’s just that I no longer find sex new and exciting. Especially after doing it with the same person for so many years. At least his not cumming will no longer be an issue. I don’t want him to cum. Why make a mess when you’re just as content not to cum and you’re not trying to get make a baby? So now that that’s out of the way and no longer a problem, my new problem, since I’m sexually cursed, is dealing with the fact that I’m so bored by it. I feel not one ounce of desire for Tom sexually. There’s no spark whatsoever. All I feel for him is emotional. It makes me wonder – what problems would Teddy Bear and I have if we got into it sexually? How long would it take before one of us or both of us was sick of the sex?

Got a letter from Paula, saying she’s glad I’m out of jail, she got Section 8, someone called DSS cuz of problems Justin was having in school, she’s waiting to see a guy who’s in jail, and things like that. I was right too, about her being between phones now. She owes a couple of hundred bucks. But if she’s only paying a few hundred a month in rent, she should be able to pay it off soon. She gets a ton of money each month.

This bottle thing has me wanting to do things to the bitch that I don’t dare put in writing. Ugh! Someone make the mother-fuckers disappear, please! I never would’ve believed it in a million years if someone told me just how much hell those freeloaders were going to inflict upon me and my life. Some of the labels fall right off, but for the most part, it’s a fucking bitch.