Today’s the day! Or is it? Well, I didn’t have any bad dreams last night, but I don’t like that it’s already after 3pm in the east and nobody’s heard a thing yet. I’m sick of these people taking a leisurely pace at our expense! I swear that if that money isn’t wired today and those keys aren’t in our hands today we’ll be filing lawsuits like crazy, and I mean like crazy!

If I believed in prayer I’d be down on my knees now, but I know that whatever’s meant to be will be. Just knowing there’s a God up there, or whatever you want to call it, that doesn’t want us to have a home in the first place, is a bit unnerving. I try to tell myself it wouldn’t be this mean to us, but I know better. My childhood alone taught me all about God’s hate or at least His general lack of concern for my well-being.

Meanwhile, I’m so damn nervous and excited! I hope this is it – I really do – but people taught me as much as God has and that’s that you can’t always believe a damn thing they say till you see them put their actions where their mouths are.

The Jes pest’s antsy buzzing around on the ATV is making me a bit nervous too, even though he said he was in no hurry when he came down at 10:00 wanting an update. It’s amazing I don’t have the runs!

Later…

The 5th is coming to an end and we’re still living like bums in someone else’s trashy old trailer. Yeah, I fucking want to kill this loan company about as much as I hate the hell out of God! Every time He lets life and the people in it shit on me to such extreme degrees I think it’s not possible to hate the bastard even more than I already do for allowing us to possibly be out 1 house and possibly over 11K, too. It’s the fucking extremes that keep happening to us.

Everyone keeps telling us they’re “keeping on top of things” and even Tom insists we’ll either get the house or our money back, that these things happen, and that they’re not scammers. They’ve actually been in business for decades and have great ratings. Oh, I don’t doubt they’re competent enough with other people, but as soon as the bastard above sees that it’s Tom and Jodi daring to reach for their dream home, He must, must, must make sure they fuck with us. This is NOT normal. So many people keep telling me these hassles, delays and headaches are “normal” when buying a house, but Andy had no problem getting into his condo and I honestly can’t think of anyone who’s ever gone through this. Trust me, this only happens to us.

I should’ve known better than to bother trying. After losing two places in two states I knew damn well we weren’t meant to ever own again, but I thought we could defy fate and get our way in the end. Wrong. When have I ever been “allowed” to have a dream come true? While I eventually lost interest in my old dreams, they still never had a fighting chance of becoming a reality while they were what I wanted. So why did I think this did? Because it’s a material thing? Well, all that better materialize, if the house doesn’t, is our money back! Oh, but God not only loves to have me fucked over, folks, He also loves to protect my perps. And Tom’s too, as long as he’s married to me. Even though we have signed documents in hand, I’m sure God will find a way for them to win and keep our money if we really don’t get the house next week. And why should I think we will? First it was last week, then today, now it’s Monday or Tuesday, and as far as I’m concerned it’s all bullshit without ever having those keys in our hand.

I’m thankful that Jesse has been such a good sport about this and very understanding. As annoying as he can be, I gotta give him that much credit. The question is whether or not he’s got someone lined up to take this place. If he does then we’ll have to find another rental, cuz if we don’t get the house (and I have no reason to believe we will) I sure as hell won’t ever try to own anything again. I’m not going to struggle for something that simply isn’t meant to be. If we can be “punished” like this just for trying to get into a house, I truly hate to think of what it would have been like for us had we actually gotten it. I’m getting to where I don’t want the fucking house. I don’t want to do business with such incompetent people, God-influenced or not.

The question is where do we go if my worst fears come true? We both agree that if we have to remain in the mainstream, we’ll stick with rural areas. We’ll probably either have to stay here or get another similar dump because renting anything bigger or nicer would be around $1500 a month and I don’t want to spend that much. This state, which we never should’ve moved to, is outrageously expensive. If we can get our money back, another option is to just leave Cali altogether but we don’t want him throwing away such a good job. He makes money most people can only dream of and I’m amazed God even let us have that much in life.

I’m just totally pissed off and a little depressed right now. I could kick myself for trying to see if the grass is greener on the other side. Obviously, it’s not and obviously, this is where we’re meant to be. Hell, we couldn’t even lose the place when our lovely government gave up on us. Maybe I should’ve just been more appreciative of what we do have than what we could have. Yeah, the Internet sucks shit. It’s slow and unreliable. But it’s the Internet nonetheless. Some people don’t even have that much in life. And yeah, Jesse’s a pest at times. But he’s still a sufficient enough landlord, we know the guy, and he knows us. And yeah, the place is small and old. But it’s better than being homeless. So here we’ll stay and after work on Monday, after what will no doubt be another round of false promises (this time it was about being short-staffed cuz of the holiday), Tom will file suit and hope to hell we can get the money back. It was too late in the day on a Friday for any kind of claims to be made today.

It’s gonna be a long, depressing weekend trying to wrap my head around the fact that this was all one big joke on us, but I will bring myself to unpack next week, clean the place up, and life will go on. It really will! Even if that means we’ve been put out big time and have to now deal with calling the propane people out and ugh! I don’t even want to think about it right now. I just want to take the weekend off from thinking about hopeless dreams, God’s hate for us that I can’t even begin to fathom, and the whole damn thing. There is still a lot of good to renting and it won’t kill us to keep on doing it. Even the poor rats were put out by my daring to dream cuz I put them in a smaller cage. But they were only supposed to be cramped in there for a day or two. Tomorrow I’ll set back up the bigger cage for them.

Some people are allowed to get their dream home and my sister’s one of them. She showed me pics of her place. It’s very rustic but stylish looking. That big old dog of hers looks a bit scary, though!